Giant Dove (vision during prayer)

I was praising in prayer and was almost speechless. All I could utter was, "We love You, Father!" I felt the spirits of my brothers and sisters worshipping with me. I saw a cross appear in a forest clearing. It faded into place, where it wasnt before... bright and bold and beautiful in the darkness. It was multi-colored and its lights danced everywhere; throughout the trees and sky, and swept all throughout the clearing. Everyone there was in awe and speechless. It swayed with the trees and breeze, then spread into multiple little, light crosses. The crosses danced and swirled a bit, then formed a circle in the sky. The circle was parallel to the ground, and each cross was pointed outward, pointing in all directions. It was a battle stance. The crosses then gathered higher in the sky and became a giant dove, which covered the whole left-hand side of the sky above the trees. Everything went completely still as the dove hovered... bright white against the night. 

Vision: Saved by the Cross

I had another vision! Finally!!  I, just in the past couple weeks-ish, got REborn again, and I am so excited that the blockage has lifted!!! Here it is:

I was walking alone, at peace, and praying to God in the desert. Suddenly, I felt danger present, in my spirit. God allowed me to see that unseen warriors were closing in on me, from all sides. They had swords pointed at me, and were incircling me. I felt very afraid and tried to run, but there was nowhere to go or hide. As my foot shifted, my back bumped into a giant wooden cross. I was relieved! I wanted to use it as an escape, but I quickly realized I couldn't. It was much too large for me to climb, and the enemy was all around me, everywhere. I felt as if my time was up, and I was going to die. I began to pray for God to save me. Before I understood what was happening, I was being pulled backwards into the cross, somehow, into the wood. And then I was inside of it, at the bottom. It was safe and quiet and peaceful in an instant. I could no longer see or sense the danger, and it could no longer get to me. I knew I had been saved by Jesus, Himself!

Nothing Will Ever Quiet My Song

There will never come a day when I won't praise You.
There will never come a day when I won't sing.
And if the words get stuck inside, then I'll open my soul wide,
And songs of praise, my heart to Yours, I'll bring.

You've been there through my deepest, darkest the valleys.
You've been there when I've scaled the mountain peaks.
You were never far away.  You've been with me every day.
I'm held by You whether I feel strong or weak.

I am thankful for the promises You've given.
I'm thankful for the fire You walked me through.
Dear God, I choose You, too; though You chose me first, it's true.
Nothing will ever quiet my song for You.

When will I learn.

I believe in hope.
I hope in people.
I fall in love.
When will I learn.

I never stop trying,
And fighting for
The greatest good.
When will I learn.

I tried to will it,
But I tried too hard.
Maybe I killed it.
When will I learn.

My heart is broken,
But it still feels
Every single damn thing.
When will I learn.

It's safer to deeply give
Than to believe I can
Trust enough to receive.
When will I learn.

It's not really a question.
It's a self reflecting burn.
A pointless yearn.
When will I learn.

Death Bed / Garden Song

For each of you who sent love and prayer and good wishes after my heart attack..... I LOVE YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!

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"Death Bed Garden Song"
♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡

Too often, I awoke crying,
I'd mourn after each aching morn.
I'd suffered too many heartaches.
I'd endured such endless scorn.

Love was my gift, wholly given,
Reciprocated unequally.
Unseen its' match, until Heaven.
Content I tried real hard to be.

Mankind is much better at taking.
We love to be loved, and then hide
All of that treasure buried deep.
No desire to give from inside.

A day came when angrily I questioned,
"Why did You leave me HERE?!"
I'd allowed hopelessness to take root.
My love was being choked out by fear.

Before it was time, my heart gave out.
It cracked beneath all the worlds' weight.
"I will never know love like I've given."
Loss and sorrow, they'd weakened my faith.

So, alone and unloved, I sank downward
Into a dank, dark, shallow space.
"Can I please come Home now, dear Jesus,
For You are my one resting place?"

But, morning glories reached down in rescue.
Fireflies beamed, "No, not today."
Nature and God worked together
To dig up my premature grave.

Hummingbirds hummed a sweet lullaby.
Tulips and butterflies joined in.
All toiling in love, beauty, duty;
In want of my life not to end.

Awakened at last, now, I saw it!
Sweet love like I'd not before known.
There, built all around me, a garden
Built by family, friends, love... all my own!

And each of them whispered things to me,
Songs of healing and life to my soul.
Such light radiated from this place.
We joined hands. "We're alive and we're home."

I will never again doubt my purpose.
I was placed here to give and receive love.
"Even down in shadows, unabandoned,
You have held me, strong Father, above.

You've assured me I'm meant to heal here, now,
In this garden that breathes out and in LIFE!"
I will keep giving out all that's been blessed me.
I will live Love and radiate Light.

-- Monica Grossman Wagner -
    Nov. 24, 2018

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Additionally, here are just a few of the things I contemplated, processed, acknowledged, learned, decided while I had plenty of time to think, stuck for days in a hospital bed, unable to move or lift my head.  Thanksgiving was the hardest, and the most affective.  You are not alone or hopeless, ever.......

  ☆ contemplating rejection is a long, downward spiral
  ☆ recognizing unrequited love (one-sided) is a very dark place to wake up
  ☆ realizing mankind's natural tendency to seek self above all else sucks
  ☆ questioning God's higher ways, and battling temptation to mistrust Him is real
  ☆ Realizing my heart was weaker than I thought, thus, subsequently, it broke was both humiliating and liberating, simultaneously.
  ☆ the tempting lie of death as an escape is relentless
  ☆ Angelic deliverance is stronger, and timelessly persistent
  ☆ Requited, Divine Love truly DOES exist and is indestructible
  ☆ Hope is constant and quietly there, waiting to be noticed and subscribed to
  ☆ Salvation is pursuant and inescapable
  ☆ Predestination is.  We each have Divine purpose.

Despair, prayer and.... hope.

I am presently being hit with multiple tidal waves of tribulation that no one but God is fully aware of.  I have reached, yet again in my life, what feels like my absolute breaking point.  I feel I cannot take one more wave, or I will surely drown.  I cried out to God on my knees in deep despair this morning, knowing He is not the cause of any of this, but that He is walking with me through it.  I asked Him for help out of what seems like a hopeless and desolate place, but then realized... the very fact that I am able to pray to Him is more valuable than anything I have lost or could ever gain!  Prayer in and of itself is my rescue, even before the answers come.  It is more valuable than escape, this hope, and more valuable than showers of blessings.  Even if everyone and everything I love is ripped away from me, I will still maintain my Faith in Jesus Christ, who is God, my personal Savior and my very reason for existence.  If all I have left is my Faith, that is enough.  But I also have hope.  And I have Love... eternal, Divine Love.  I have everything.

He gave me a song a few minutes ago, and I am posting it now, though it is not complete.  I am still working with some of the lyrics, and it doesn't yet have a title.  I have the piano and melody down, I think.  It is soothing.  I am going to put what little energy I have left at this point into fine-tuning it, for Him.  And for me.  And for you.

I hope if you are presently sinking in depression, fear or hardship, you will read these lyrics and feel less alone.  Because you are not ever alone.  And you are never unloved.

~ Monica


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 In the morning when I rise,
And You're the only sun I see...
In the darkest of the night,
And You're the only dream I dream...
In the quiet of my life,
And You're the only song I sing...
I have everything.
I have everything.

When I'm lost and tossed aside,
And no one hears my screams...
When my soul has grown too tired,
And I'm ripping at the seams...
When the rest have closed their eyes,
You never turn from me.
I have everything.
I have everything.

I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
And that's enough.

In the desert, cold and tired,
You faced the enemy.
In the garden where you cried,
No one stayed with Thee.
On a cross of hate and lies,
You gave blood and life so we...
We'd have everything.

You broke the curse, rewrote the shame,
Into a song of hope.  You came and saved... me.
You saved eternity.

You changed everything.
You are everything.


I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
And that's enough.

Unity in Christ Vision

I had this one about two weeks ago. It hit me powerfully and unexpectedly.

(Start)
I was surrounded with shades of black and gray.  I was praying and weeping.  I felt so alone, even though I knew this is not the Truth.  I told God, "Sometimes I feel like I am so alone in this world!  I am an alien and stranger, here!  No one gets me, but You.  Few use their free will and time wisely, including me.  This world is so broken and backwards.  The modern Church is so asleep, spiritually.  I feel I am alone in this battle and quest for righteousness that is lived out in spite of circumstance.  No one truly lives Love, God!  Is there anyone out there who understands Your heart?  I weep for you, God.  I weep for me.  I am alone, here, except for You."

I told God that even though I feel alone, I will fight with all my might to grow in Faith, obedience and mad love for Jesus.  I told Him I would continue to praise and worship Him, even if I was the only one on Earth doing so.  I wept.  I buried my face in my hands and thanked Him for even the trials, because I trust Him to use ALL things for my good.  I asked God for reprieve from heartache.  I begged Him.  I was on my knees, hunched over to the ground, face and tears covered with my hands, resolving myself to this spiritual solitude.

As I lay like this, curled in a ball, I suddenly saw a cross, eyes closed.  It was a shadow, at first.  It began to come into my mind's eye more clearly, and it was huge!!  Massive.  I felt God was reminding me of Jesus' ultimate act of Love for me.  I saw myself weeping at the foot of the cross.  I was reaching my arms and eyes up to the Heavens above before the giant cross which was now illuminated, somehow.  The sky was dark with endless, billowing, angry clouds.  Behind me was a vast, heavy blackness.  I wanted to climb it desperately.  I wanted to escape the heavy, black abyss behind me.  I wanted desperately to climb up the cross, but I couldn't.  I was too small.  Too weak.  So, I resolved myself to worship in solitude.

Suddenly, peace washed over me like a wave of extreme energy and calm, all at once!  I felt God speak to my heart in this moment.  He told me to look around me.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to keep worshipping before the giant cross.  Rays of light began to shoot out in beams from the cross.  This illuminated the darkness on the ground immediately in front of the cross, and not far away, I saw another figure reaching up to the sky and the cross, just like me.  I looked to the other side, and saw a figure of a person there, as well.  I was shocked that they were there.  I hadn't noticed them before.  And they hadn't noticed me. I looked beyond them, and saw a line of many people stretching in both directions, all with arms raised to God, like me.  All in tears, mourning their solitude. 

There was an opening in the dark clouds above the cross.  Not a huge opening, but there was the brightest, white light pouring down from the heavens, even more illuminating the cross, and all of us at it's base.  The figures were silouettes without detail, as was I.  We had human form, but that's all I could see about the people on both sides of me.  We became aware of each other.  We were all shocked that we were not alone. 

The cross instantly became magnetic.  It began pulling us in closer to each other.  We became a united mass of figures being pulled together close.  We began to be pulled upward, up the base of the cross.  We swirled up the bottom section of the cross.  When we reached the arms of the cross, we were so happy and united in the knowing that God loves us and was pulling us up towards heaven!  We turned from dark, faceless figures into actual lights, tons of them, swirling around the base, up the trunk, around the arms up the top.  So much light... Beautiful and sparkling.  Swirling.  A beautiful dance of souls, together in our unconditional love for God. 

There was still that endless black emptiness behind us, but we became only focused on the light which was beaming even brighter now through the clouds of the heavens.  This was our only focus. The unseen power kept lifting us higher... higher... swirling lights.  A beautiful melody was in the air, with multiple voices in harmony, singing a melody of praise.  We were rising away from the endless darkness.  We were now high above it.  We were glimmering.  God was pleased with us. There was such togetherness.  Such Peace!  Joy!  Unity!  Praise you, God!  Thank You!
(End)

I left my prayer time with big Holy Spirit goosebumps.  He was speaking to my spirit.  I heard (not audibly, but with my spiritual ears), "You are not alone!  You already know that I AM always with you, but the time has come for you to become aware that you have brothers and sisters who feel just as alone as you did.  This is a quiet, sneaky lie of the prince of darkness.  Resist it.  It cannot touch you.  It can only decieve you.  But, I am the Way, Truth and Life.  I've come to strengthen you."

We are NOT alone.  God is uniting us in our exaltation of Him, and lifting us from the darkness.  We are being pulled upwards, together!  Rejoice. Revival is near!!!