"Healing Hope"

Sometimes I think I’ll never learn

Makes me think I might enjoy the burn

This time I am trying to be real

Maybe this time I’ll finally heal

Dark eyes warm smile and frigid heart

Made me think that I just might impart

Some small piece of solace to your soul

Trying in my way to make us both whole

But mending you was not my call

The sweat and tears didn’t heal me at all

So giving in seemed the thing to do

It wasn’t that I gave up on you.

Codependent habits always drag me down

All the love I gave could not turn you around

Portraits of a girl I wanted desperately to be

Faded long before you left me.

Tonight I feel patience creeping in

Covering over all of my past sin

Making me feel as if the day will dawn

forging through darkness til I see the sun

Wonder where you are in this crazy world

Probably drowning sorrows with a girl

None of it matters because I am through

Searching for ways to get through to you.

Nights are the hardest time to be alone

Feeling a stranger in my own home

But I refuse to succumb to self-pity

And I am taking steps to alterate me.

I hope tonight wherever you are

You know peace is never very far

Reach up and know that if you’ll let go

Serenity will wash over you.

"Already Whole"

I can feel you reaching down

Into my tired state.

You see what’s in my darkened mind.

You see me test my fate.

You never do let go of me.

You never let me down.

And each time that I pull away,

And fall back to the ground,

You pull me back and pull me up,

Consistent and so strong.

You teach me that Your love won’t change.

It’s been there all along.

And nothing I can do can take

Your gift away from me.

You are so unconditional.

Your grace, it sets me free

From all my insecurities,

And all my pain and pride.

Dear God, You are enough for me.

I’m sorry that I hide.

Please take this heart and make it whole

And show me all I need

Is everything that I already

Have inside of me.

A Story

She was in love with him with everything in her being, and could never imagine her life without him. For her, he was the one. He, on the other hand, didn’t know what he wanted. One day during one of their brief “in between” periods (they broke up a few times, but would get back together), he told her he had been thinking a lot lately about a girl he used to know in highschool, named Lisa…. A girl he had often wondered about. He mentioned that he wondered if maybe she was the one who got away. Of course this hurt for his “friend” to hear, but she blew it off as she did all of his previous mentions of and encounters with other women, thinking “if he and I are meant to be, someday he will wake up and realize it, and love me wholly and only”. Well it seemed that one day did come! Shortly thereafter, they got back together and she could not have been happier. He seemed happy too…. But always seemed to be holding something back. She never knew why, but decided to love him with all she had anyway, hoping that one day she could love the love right out of him, and it would be beautiful. She tried everything she could think of to make him feel happy and loved…. Cooked for him, cleaned his house, bought little gifts, loved and cared for his children, gave him lots of affection, left love notes around his house, brought coffee and food to him regularly when he was at work, made love to him any time she could and put her all into giving him pleasure and making him feel loved. One day while she was cleaning his house, she found a piece of paper lying on the floor. It had a name written on it…. Lisa…. And an address. To her horror, she realized this paper was in a spot she had cleaned recently before, so she knew it was new…. And it was HER…. The one he had mentioned from highschool. She was in shock….. how could he be thinking about another woman, when he has everything he could ask for in right in front of him??? This made her feel like she was not good enough somehow, so all she could think of to do was try harder…. Love him more, if that were even possible…. Make him see that he did not ever need to seek out another, that his dreams had already come true. She picked up the paper and set it upside down on his dresser, and did not mention to him that it had been found. The paper stayed in that spot for quite sometime, and as time went by, everything seemed to be fine, so she decided to put the incident behind her. Then one day, he slipped in casual conversation, and when she questioned him about what he meant, he admitted he had been emailing his long lost “friend”, but that it meant nothing. He was just thankful for the rekindled friendship. This confused her, as the only man she had any desire to spend her time with was him. But again, she pushed it aside, thinking it meant nothing. Soon, she stopped getting any emails at all from her boyfriend, with the exception of the infrequent forwarded email of a joke, in which she saw he had also forwarded the same email to many others…. One of which was “Lisa”. Their relationship began to deteriorate shortly thereafter, and it was clear he was not in love anymore. He actually even admitted at one point to never having been in love with her at all, but that he did love her in a way…. He had just always hoped it would grow. All of this took toll on her heart, and her self confidence began to wane. After what had begun to become a frequent routine of arguing and fighting (same old story every time…. She wanted him to be in love with her, and he wanted her to simply accept the fact that he was not), one night she had had enough. She asked him to make a commitment to loving her and giving this relationship his best shot. He told her he did not have that in him, so she would just have to deal with the relationship it was. She said she needed more from a relationship, or it would have to end. He chose for it to end, much to her shock and dismay. She was brokenhearted, beyond words. She could not eat or sleep, and missed him so badly. He told her he wanted to remain her friend, but that he just did not feel that way for her any more. She continued to lose weight and suffer sickness and sleeplessness, but she decided to move ahead with her life, for that was all she could do. Then one day only a few short weeks after the breakup, she fell apart and realized she could not love anyone again, if it were not him. She wanted him, missed him, needed him. She called him….. but found that he was on his way to visit “Lisa”. He stayed with Lisa for 4 days, without calling…. Without answering his phone during the night…. It killed her heart, and she felt as if she would die. One day on the 3^rd day of his stay with Lisa, she begged him to come home and work things out. He said no. He would not budge. His decision was to stay as long as possible at Lisa’s, so he stayed until the day he had to come home to pick up his kids, calling in sick to work every day he was there (which he had never done for her when they were together…. Not for the year she had known him). It finally hit her… she would never be his priority. So she let go…. Sick, sad and heartbroken, but determined to pick up the pieces and move on, hoping that one day she would love again… to the degree that she loved him.

"True Love's Kiss"

When you needed me

I was always there.

When I needed you

You did not care

When I got real low

I was on my own

I hope you remember

The love that I’ve shown

The next time around

So you won’t do the same

And cause some poor heart

To love in vain

I pray that one day

You will open that heart

And drop all your walls

And come out of your dark

But until then, I will

Pray, cry and miss

And bid you farewell

With one last true love’s kiss.

"Me & You"

You meant so much to me

I hope if I showed you one thing

I hope that it was how to love

With only everything you have

There were times I got it wrong

Yes, I wasn’t always strong

After all is said and done

I pray that you felt truly loved.

“Never” never was a word

I thought I’d say in words to you

But words can never be unsaid

And actions done we can’t undo

Please promise me, my dear,

That through the trials and through the tears

You’ll see light beyond the dark

And only love shines in your heart

I hope that one day what we’ve learned

Will somehow heal the bitter burn

And we will understand how to

Love because of me and you.

"Runner"

Running away.

You never stay.

Must be my fault;

I knew all along.

You can’t blame a girl

For hope in this world.

I sure held on

For far too long.

Wonder where you

Will run away to?

This time maybe

You’ll finally be free,

Or maybe while I

Lie here and cry

You will see too,

You’re running from you.

"Love & Be Loved"

I thought you were the one

Who’d take my doubt away.

You left me here alone,

Not once; repeatedly.

You knew this day would come.

A heart can only take so much.

A flower cannot grow

Without a tender touch.

I’m letting go tonight

Of all my hopes and dreams,

But somehow, still I know,

Someday I’ll be happy.

You’ll live your life alone,

Surrounded by a crowd.

I’ll live my life in peace,

And I am starting now.

And one day one will see

Everything that I am,

And love me completely,

And not pretend he can’t.

I’m happy in my pain,

For I see past the storm.

Beyond the rain’s a life

To which I won’t conform.

I will be only me.

I’ll love the way I do,

And it will be enough…

More than it was for you.

I hope you get your wish,

Whatever it may be.

Your resurrected walls

Have caused me now to flee.

I won’t be coming back.

I know that I deserve

The same thing we all do:

To be loved in return.

"Giving In"

Wanting you so bad

How I fought the fight

Desperate to cling to

What wasn’t right

In the end

All the fighting did

Was make me lose

Reflecting on

All the sacrifice

And I still lost you

When all is said and done, I see…

I almost lost me.

This is not giving up,

It’s giving in to love.

Love is not the way

You treated me

Love is not the way

I expressed my need

Sometimes love

Is letting go

When there’s no other

Way to show

Potential is nothing more than this…

“What if?”

When all is said and done, I see…

I almost lost me.

This is not giving up,

It’s giving in to love.

I can’t make a mountain move

By singing.

I can’t make someone hold on

By clinging.

I can only hope

That in letting go,

Both of us will learn.

That to one day feel the joy of

Knowing deep and lasting true love

We must feel the burn,

...then heal.

When all is said and done, I see…

I almost lost me.

This is not giving up,

It’s giving in… to love.

What I Remember.........

The way you laughed

The way you smelled

The blueness of your eyes

The way your touch

Could make me melt

And let down my disguise

The way I felt

As if a child

All lost in dreams of love

The way your smile

Was my one goal

It’s what dreams are made of

The way you slept

The way you sang

The way you talked with me

For hours on end

Of nothing but

Our fears and all our dreams

The way you cuddled

Close at night

The way you held my hand

The way you tucked

Your kids in bed

Made you a model man

The way you loved

To take in life

And cherish memories

The way you Feared

Our God above

Made you a saint to me

With all the things

That we’ve been through

The things that stand out most

Are all the reasons

It will always

Hurt that I let go.