I have to do this......

"Letting Shackles Fall"
04/08/09

I am sick to death
Of whom I have let
Myself become. It’s not
Who I really am.
Here I am again!
How do I keep getting lost?
Oh, death has seemed
Such a sweet release
On countless lonely nights.
With too much to drink,
And much time to think,
I almost lost the fight.
But I felt You there,
And with quiet care,
Assisting Angels bent,
And they whispered things
That did finally bring
Peace to my soul again.
Now I have become
Much aware that One
Has been waging war for me.
Sadly, as He fights,
I just close my eyes,
And take another drink.
I have yearned for numb
That does never come.
I’m so tired of myself
For being so weak,
And falling asleep,
And waking up in Hell.
I am done now with
The way I have lived;
Not half of the life I should.
Did my purpose die?
Is it too late to try?
I’d erase me if I could.
Now with all my flaws,
And completely raw,
I am here on bended knee.
Take her far away,
The old me, replace
With the soul I’m meant to be.
Letting shackles fall,
Crushing every wall,
I am Yours entirely.
Fill me up with You
Make me clean and new,
And ignite a fire in me.
You won’t fight alone
To protect my soul
Anymore, my precious Lord.
I will fight hard too,
Father, me and You
Shall unite and win this war.



________________________________

I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore. Part of me hopes that it remains just mine, mostly because I am so naked here, emotionally. But a bigger part of me knows that I HAVE to be utterly, and often, painfully honest with myself, God AND others. I have always had a huge flaw (amongst many), and that is pride. I certainly would never want anyone to view me as pathetic, weak or fallen. So if anyone out there, who knows me or has previously known me, stumbles upon this post; please know that is incredibly hard to write, but it's something I am making myself do. If it changes your opinion of me, good. I am far from perfect, and STILL a work in progress. But the thing I have realized is that the progress would go a whole lot faster if I would stop getting in the way of it. Here goes......

I have a lot of stresses in my life. I, for the past few years, have started dealing with those stresses in a very unhealthy way. I've started to attempt to numb myself with alcohol. It's not an occasional girls night out, nor a going out on the weekends thing with me. I literally never go out and do anything like that. My days are spent working my butt off to support my 3 children, and most nights are spent at home (after they go to bed) consuming a few glasses of wine, or cocktails just to go a little numb, turn off my head and heart and attempt to get some sleep. This really isn't how I want to live.

I have begun to sink into pretty deep depression. One that, about a month ago, nearly caused me to end my life. I had not had thoughts that scary since I was 19, and I knew with all of me that what I was going through that night was a serious spiritual attack. I felt angels and demons fighting for me and against me, and I, even in my drunken state, cried out to God for the strength to not kill myself. He heard my prayers, and somewhere in the very early hours of morn, He soothed my spirit enough to go to sleep.

When I awoke, my head was pounding from the hangover, and also spinning from the realization of what I had almost done. I knew it was time for a change. But it's been a lot harder than I thought. It's so hard to understand how I can wake up in the morning with such resolve to become the daughter God wants me to be, and then go to bed each night defeated. The guilt just makes me drink even more! Ugh.... this has become a nightmare. I think the depression I have allowed myself to succumb to is much more spiritual in nature than I had ever imagined.

What I realized this morning as I sat down to finally write raw about all this (see poem above) is this.... I am actually tying God's hands. He cannot win this battle without me. God actually needs ME! It's not just that I need Him! If I don't fight with all that is in me to disallow Satan to have any kind of influence or grasp upon my life, I am basically assisting in God's defeat! Wow.... it's seriously time for me to get my head out of my butt.

I've always known He has a big purpose for me, and it involves ministry. How in the world can I minister in the state I've been in! No wonder life has felt so meaningless. I have allowed it to become that way. I am done. I am going to do whatever it takes to put on the armor, fight, and win. I know with God, anything is possible. It's going to be hard. I am going to encounter a lot of opposition from the enemy. But I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength.

So I've poured out all my alcohol. I've ripped my heart wide open and invited God to renew my mind and strength. And now, I am being honest with myself and anyone else who reads this about my flaws and my strong desire for change. I want to be the butterfly He intends for me to be.

~mg~