A Mountain of Unforgiveness

I'm really struggling with forgiveness, lately. Those that are close to me know the finer details, but suffice it to say, great wrongs have been done to me. As years of wrongs and injustices have been added to the pile, I am now finding myself standing before a giant mountain of bitterness, blame, anger and grudge-holding. I hate this stupid mountain! I want it gone, as it seems to be impeding my personal growth. Add to it, the layers of ice and snow that are piled on top of it, increasing it's mass: bouts of self-loathing, denial, feelings of defenselessness, the subconscious need to make excuses for myself, self-pity, etc. It's a really ugly monstrosity. So, I have been struggling with how to tackle this mountain, and somehow level it completely.

Closure. There's another tricky issue. What is closure? What does it look like? Why do I have a need for it? Why do I need to have a happy, at-peace, fresh-start kind of acceptance after something painful has happened to me? I think, for me, it's a desire to somehow be able to move forward, without having the weighty burden of bewilderment and loss stuck upon my shoulders. I have recently become aware (thanks to my very wise Therapist) that the only way one can truly experience closure, is to forgive. And not just kinda... but to deeply, genuinely forgive. Ummm.... maybe I don't need closure so badly after all, because that seems like a rather challenging feat, at this point, to put it quite mildly.

But... I know deep down inside of me that I am wrong in allowing myself to be stuck up here on this mountain. I want it gone. I know in my heart God wants that for me too. I am praying that He will bring me to a place where I can truly forgive a few people in my life and past. It must be done.

I opened up to my dad (we're very good friends) about my issue of unforgiveness recently, and he emailed me a link to the following article he'd stumbled upon on the issue. It was perfectly timed. But, to be honest, I hated reading it! It hit home too hard. Forgiveness sometimes feels a bit too difficult. Especially in certain circumstances. I will share it with you, because there are some really good points in it. I'll attach the link at that bottom of this page.

The paragraph in this article that stood out to me the most was:
A) "You see, forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you and God. It is wonderful when the person is truly sorry, asks for forgiveness, and your relationship is restored and even stronger for the experience. But when this isn’t the case, God’s truth doesn’t change. Through forgiveness, He can provide peace and healing in your life even if the other person isn’t sorry or restoration is not possible. I have heard that when we choose not to forgive someone, it is as if we have handcuffed that person to us and we are dragging him or her around with us everywhere we go. Choosing to forgive is choosing to undo the handcuff on your wrist and not carry that person around with you anymore. This choice does not require anything from the other person. It is something you alone can do with the help of God."

...Kinda simple and hard, all at once! But a very fitting analogy. And the most insightful part for me was in coming to realize that forgiveness really has nothing to do with the person who has wronged me. I'm still trying to reprogram my thinking in that area. It's a hard concept to wrap my brain around, however, I am tenacious; especially when it comes to my desire for spiritual and emotional growth.

I will continue to work on this. I am chosing to put some effort and time into healing and fixing this broken part of me. It's going to take some cognitive thinking skills, a lot of prayer and possibly a down-right miracle. But I've seen Him work miracles in my life before. I know once I am completely there, that great big ugly mountain of unforgiveness will simply implode. I cannot wait!

~m~

....Here's that article on Forgiveness that I told you I'd post the link for:
http://www.holinesstoday.org/nphweb/html/ncn/article.jsp?id=10010896

...An afterthought... God has forgiven me so very many times. Times when I didn't even feel worthy of His forgiveness. His forgiveness is unconditional and without end. In my attempt to be more and more like Him, I know what I must do. Seventy times seven.