I woke up at just after 3:00am this morning and could not for the life of me get myself back to sleep. There is so much on my mind. I wouldn't say that I am worried or afraid, because I have reached a place where I have simply given up on giving any power to those negative emotions. Admittedly, it is a work in progress, and a continual concerted effort. I've realized I cannot change what has happened, and I have little power over what will happen. I am focused on living in the now, accepting life as it is and things as they are, and allowing myself to feel a supernatural peace in the face of the unknown. God has me in the palm of His hand, and I know He will not let me fall. There is such a sense of tranquility in that sort of blind surrender. So, I wouldn't say that worry was really what kept my mind awake, even while my body wanted rest. I guess it was more of just trying to process things and wondering about what my tomorrows will hold... wondering... wondering... how I am going to make it... thinking about my kids... so many other things... feeling a little overwhelmed, but asking God to cover us all... feeling a lot alone in this world... wondering how and when this dense fog that is clouding my life will dissipate. Praying... praying... praying.
I tossed and turned and prayed and tried to shut my brain off and laid there and laid there and finally decided to get up to make myself some tea at about 4:30. I decided to do my devotions from "Jesus Calling", so I sat down on the couch with my green tea with lemon, and opened the book to December 10th's read. The very first sentence took the breath out of me: "Make Me [God] the focal point of your search for security." ...well, hello! Maybe if I'd have been doing that last night, I'd have gotten more sleep! So I read on, and here is what it said: "In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe. Not only is this an impossible goal, but it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth. When your private world feels unsteady and you grip My hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence on Me.... Instead of yearning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence. In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face. Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven." Wow.... so good! So just what I needed.
I love how when I open up to hearing from God, He speaks. There were a few things He spoke to my heart in those very early morning hours. Things I needed to hear, but didn't know it. I also felt He was reminding me to relax and rely on Him for strength in the now, and continue to consciously let go of my worries and cares. And after my read, I definitely felt He was reminding that if HE is the focal point of my search for security, then those bothersome thoughts will just fade. I will rest in the knowing that He; the great, mighty, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, compassionate, protective, strong and gentle God holds my future. No matter what lies ahead, the battle is already won because the battle belongs to the Lord. And I will rejoice in the problems in my life, and even thank God for them, for they are an opportunity to see His mighty hand at work, and an opportunity for me to grow in faith.
A song I heard in church a while ago when I was living in Redding came to my heart just after my devotional read/prayer/epiphany time. I just wanted to belt it out and sing it to God, but I couldn't because it was about 4:45am at that point, and my kids were still sleeping. I searched it up on YouTube, and found it. I've listened to it about 3 or 4 times now, and I feel much more at peace. I'm going to be tired today, but that's okay. I guess sometimes God needs to wake us up in order to communicate things to us that we need to "get". Things we probably wouldn't get when the busy-ness of our hustlely-bustlely lives gets in the way. Maybe that is why He often waits until the stillness of night to speak.
Here is the link to the song: "Hungry". Enjoy, and be blessed today. Make nothing but God your focal point.
~m~
http://youtu.be/Az9kMZyNNCM
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