"Treading Water"

I looked ahead at the horizon.

The beautiful colors smeared softly

Into the atmosphere

Like whispered secrets of

Things to come.

I wanted to be right there

Within that sunset.

Right there.

Not here.

I looked down at myself

As if I was floating from above;

Watching from a cloud.

I saw myself floundering,

Stationary and stuck.

Tossed by waves.

Unable to swim,

Or move.

I was flailing my arms and legs

But going absolutely

Nowhere.

All at once I realized

I was on the verge of sinking.

My muscles were so sore.

My body was so tired.

My mind almost numb

With hopelessness.

I asked and begged and cried.

I pleaded to the heavens,

“Why?!”

There was no reply

But a song.

It filled my mind like

Water in an ocean,

And I could not escape

It’s melody.

My thoughts were hijacked

By the lyrics and tune

And I found myself humming.

With the waves as my rhythm.

It was a lullaby

And a song of strength

Combined into one melodic epiphany…

It was time to be brave.

To dive deep.

To let go.

I inhaled the salty, sea air

And I dove beneath the waves.

At first I was quite afraid.

"Did I take a deep enough breath?"

With the fear came the feeling

That my lungs were being crushed by

The weight of the water

Above… beside…

All around me.

And it was so,

So dark down here.

I wanted to swim back up

To the surface.

I almost did,

But then I remembered why

I had dived down.

The surface held nothing for me

But stagnant water,

Immobile hopes,

And waves that threatened

To drown me in defeat.

I willed myself to stay under

Just a little longer,

Allowing my eyes to adjust

To the darkness.

I began to see;

To focus under water

On my goal.

There was a large,

Weighty chain

Wrapped around my ankle.

It stretched down into

The blackness below.

I realized I had been expending

Every ounce of my energy

To keep myself afloat

While something heavy

On the other end of that chain

Held me

Anchored.

With the song still swimming

Within my mind,

My thoughts sang,

“You are brave.  It is time.  Let it go.”

At once, I saw that the chain

Had no lock!

It was only loosely linked around me.

The weight on the other end of it

Is what had made it feel

So tethering;

So tight.

“Was this all that had been holding me here

All this time?!”

I kicked my leg hard.

I willed myself to be free.

The chain fell.

My muscles began to relax.

By body floated up…

Up… up…

I surfaced.

I gulped in air.

I screamed victoriously.

I laughed.

I cried.

I realized I could have been

Free

Long ago.

The only thing holding my anchor

To myself

Was me.

I had never held my breath,

Nor dove under the waves

Long or deep enough to see

That the weight could have

Been quickly released,

With no key required.

I had never tried

Hard enough.

Why?

Because I did not truly believe
Until this moment
That I could be

So gloriously free.
Maybe I had just never wanted it
More.

After floating on my back for a while,

Relishing relief
And the bliss of that moment,

And thanking God for

Liberty,

Levity,

Life;

I looked ahead,

Once again,

At the wonderful, gentle

Beckoning sunset.

Just beneath it

Where the water touched the sky

Was a lovely, lush, little island.
How had I not noticed it before?

I saw it and I knew at once

It was home.

My self-doubts

My fears

Had sunk along with my anchor.

So I began to swim

Into the sunset…

Ahead.

It felt so good to use my muscles

For more than

Treading water.

It felt wonderful

To finally be moving forward.

I propelled myself

Into the direction of

My own, personal island.

My Serenity.

And I realized before even climbing ashore,

(My mind and my heart agreed):

“It was always, already

Mine.”

~

MG ~ 2/21/14