Aftermath

When the mega-storm hit,
I ran into Your arms.
I was in shock.
I had nowhere else to go.
You were the only place I felt safe.
I nestled into Your comforting embrace.
I was un-whole.
Irreparably injured.
Mortally wounded.
And you mourned with me.
You cried with me.
You held my heart.
Then there were days when I felt
Maybe I'd be okay.
Maybe I'd be stronger.
And healing began.
I sensed Your presence and Your love
In the initial aftermath,
But I'm having difficulty feeling those things
Now.
Why?
Have you gone?
Have I?
Sometimes when I'm wandering around
In bewilderment and doubt,
I think that I hear You whispering.
Soft words.
Love words.
Am I just too numb
To crawl back into Your arms?
I know I have shut out the world,
But is it possible that I am even
Shutting out the One who holds my scars,
And looks upon them as if
They are beautiful?
You are there, aren't You?
Arms outstretched,
Awaiting my return.
Patiently waiting for me to
Rest beneath Your sheltering wings.
I wish I could go back...
Back to the way things were
Before it hit.
The knowledge of how futile that wish is
Is causing me to feel like I'm sinking.
Helplessly.
Please, pull me out.
I still trust You.
Only You.
My strength is very weak.
I cannot hold on very tightly.
I'm weary.
This sorrow just won't seem to lift.
I really need You.
Hold on
To me.

"Fools Gold"

I constructed a mountain to keep out the thieves.
I lived there in solace, with height as my peace.
Faith was the rock upon which I built.
Strength was my comfort. I'd pureness and will.
And then in the light of a warm, placid day,
A wanderer saw and said, "I'll climb today."
Though try as he did, whisp'ring soft, "I love you's",
My mount, unpersuaded, just would not be used.
It was but a fortress that safe-housed my gold,
which would not be borrowed and would not be sold.
This wanderer told me, "I do understand...
I'll respect your barrier, and protect your land."
And in time this wanderer wore down my guard,
So I fell asleep, and I fell asleep hard,
So thankful for one who at last understood.
I let myself rest. And I dreamt it was good.
He whispered, "Your mountain is precious to me...
I give you my word, I'll stand guard as you sleep."
And then in the quiet of senseless slumber,
A thief in the night, the charming wanderer,
At once seized the moment. He'd finally a chance,
While I was defenseless, to trespass my land,
And explore all it's glory and treasures within.
He uncovered the cave & he wandered right in.
With no one to blockade his self-centered greed,
He sought out the treasure, and with burning need,
He stole what was not his, with not a thought.
He made hasty retreat, hoping he'd not get caught.
I awoke in a panic, although still dark and night,
Knowing something was missing and all was not right.
I got up and found him at my mountain's base.
He spoke not a word, and was solemn of face.
No look in my eyes, no goodbye, he just left.
I could not comprehend, although I tried my best.
At once in the daylight it all became clear.
I went to my cave and I found he'd been there.
And where there was once gold, a great cavern lay.
Where once was a treasure, blood pooled in it's place.
I was deeply in shock. I thought him different.
I assumed he'd protect me. How I did lament!
Temptations to give up weren't far from my mind.
Yet thoughts of surrender, I just could not find.
I'd venture away from my safe haven now.
I'd not be a victim. I'd climb down this mount.
I'd commission search parties to find stolen gold.
It was not his to have. It was not his to hold.
And in time he'll realize all that he's done.
It will be too late, for the gold is long gone.
He sends letters to me from far away lands:
"I still want your heart. I still want your hand."
But soft words can't undo the harshness of theft.
His mission, to conquer. Deep loss was his gift.
Respond not, I've chosen, for he is a fraud.
He can hide from himself, but he can't hide from God.
Seeking shelter in shadows, he lives on the run.
I pray soon he will be exposed by the sun.
Recovering property is not my goal.
It's justice I want, and to defend others' gold.
My treasure is gone and cannot be reclaimed,
But I do know his face and I do know his name.
And I will not rest until others are safe
From his alluring deception and believable face.
And though this has cost me almost everything,
I'll mourn not my losses. I've reason to sing,
For I know, thank God, my most valued treasure
Lay hidden. I gave not. Of that, I am sure.

'Til Answers Become Clear

God, You know the ache within my soul.
Come and heal my body.
Restore my heart to whole.
This burning pain feels like it’s here to last.
But you have promised
You can bring beauty out of ash.

I’ve asked and asked a million times, “God, Why?!”
But You are causing peace to grow,
And soon these tears will dry.
I know I cannot live my life in fear.
I will choose to rest in You,
‘Til answers become clear.

Father, I reach up with open arms,
Knowing You’re the only One
Who’d never do me harm.
Your gentle presence now is all around.
I sense your hand upon my heart.
What’s lost will soon be found.

I lay this heavy burden at Your feet.
I know that I am not alone,
Lord, You are holding me.
Please, bring me to renewed serenity.
Though understanding I have not,
I’ve Your surpassing Peace.

"Life is not Fluffy, White Clouds"

Life is not fluffy, white clouds.
At some point a fierce storm does threaten us all.
When I'm feeling weighed down by doubt;
I fix my gaze up, disallowing hopes fall.
I am not immune to the dark.
The worries and stresses and fears life can bring
Can burden my overwhelmed heart,
But those gusts and gales cannot loud enough sing
To drown out the song in my soul;
The one He has given when life resembles Hell.
I'll hold tightly to my Faith. His Love.
I'll cling to deep peace and I'll sing, "It is Well."

My own, personal Revival

I went to church for the first time in months yesterday. I literally had to force myself to go, because the same thing that seems to happen every Sunday morning that I try to go happened... I get tired, or don't feel well, or see all the housework that needs to be done, or feel like relaxing, or get a phone call, or the kids won't cooperate (though they were out of town this weekend), or I can't find anything to wear.... Oh wait, now I'm gonna be late... I can't walk in late, they'll be no seats left available....

But yeah, thanks to God kickin me in the butt and getting me there, I actually made it. Boy, was I glad I did!!!! Went to Bethel. Late, of course, so I sat in the overflow room. I usually like in better in there anyway, as my chances of being accosted by a prophet, yelled at in tongues, or have hands laid on me by 16 charismatic strangers is much less. Anyway, I'm humbled and thankful for the experience, as something quite out of character for me happened.

One of the Pastors asked us all to lay hands on the person next to us if we feel they needed praying for healing and breakthrough in their life. I cringed for a moment, but was suddenly relieved that I was sitting at the end of a row, and no one was within a few seats of me. Whew! Can you tell that's a teensy bit out of my comfort zone? So, I then bow my head to pray, and I begin my prayer with, "I need you, God. Holy Spirit, come.". Suddenly, I feel hands touching me from somewhere behind me... One on my right shoulder/neck area and one on my left shoulder/arm. Something very unexpected happened... I began to shake a little, and then unexpectedly began to weep. I could hear people all around me praying for one another, mostly in tongues. But the prayers coming from behind me were different. I heard 2 mens voices. Theye were soft, gentle, concise. They were saying, "Father, heal her heart. Show her Your will for her life. Lead her to breakthrough. Grant her peace.". And then everything disappeared. I saw nothing, heard nothing, and felt no one touching me. It was quiet and light and warm in God's presence, and I felt Him hugging my soul........

I stayed in that place for what was probably a few minutes, but felt like longer. When I came back, I was still in the overflow room, standing with my head bowed and eyes closed; tears streaming. Prayer time ended. A sweet, lovely, young girl came up to me, gave me a hug & offered me a tissue. I turned around slightly to see who was behind me, but saw no one. I guess the praying men had left. I felt such an amazing sense of.... Just calm. Serene. Peace. Loved.

Thanks, God, for ripping me out of my comfort zone! Wow... And thanks to the two praying men.... Thanks so much.

Then Pastor Bill Johnson began to speak. The message was powerful and meaty. I've never heard that man preach a single sermon that left me unchanged. He's got God's power in His ability to communicate, let me tell you! One thing he said today hit home really hard. I mean, like, upside the head with a baseball bat kinda hard. It was this:

Revival comes when there is a sacrifice which has been laid upon an alter, and God sends His fire down from Heaven. Revival will not stop until that sacrifice has been removed. God never stops a revival, man does. Who removes the sacrifice? What IS the sacrifice??? ...it is you. It is me. Are we not to be a "living sacrifice"? Or was that not what you signed up for?"

Wow....

I feel humbled, blessed, happy and whole. My life is not my own. It's His. Time to become a living sacrifice before God, so He can truly begin to work in me and through me. I know once I'm there, truly there, my life won't always feel like it's missing something.

These thoughts woke me up an hour ago, so I felt I needed to share.

~monica~

"It's Okay To Let Go"

...First song I've written in almost a year! Feels so good to be able to write again. It's a simple tune, written in the key of F, and given to me by the Great Healer.

~~~~~~~~~~

Letting go may not be easy.
It hurts to think that it's for good.
Choices to make... How things get hazy
When we don't make the ones we should.

But Love
Is here with you.
It was.
Always will be.

And God, He wants you to know
It's okay to let go.

Earnest prayers, they surround you.
Rest assured you're not alone.
There is One who heals forsaken hearts.
His Love can make the broken, whole.

And Love
Is here with you.
It was.
Always will be.

Though time may not heal all wounds,
Your Father God will carry you.
Give HIM your heart.
He'll make it new.

"Rain"

Rain.
The sky is shedding therapy.
God knew.
He has spread wide the floodgates of the heavens.
He has demolished a dam in my soul.
Painful, awakening, cleansing, blissful
Rain.....
Fall and fall and fall on me
Until these feelings
Wash away,
And I am clean and free again,
To live with passion,
To love with wisdom;
And grow like a brand new, brightly colored tulip,
Eager to experience warmth and light.
I must greet this storm with openness.
Soon I will be new. Beautiful. Strong.
Liberated.
The sun will shine again.
But for today,
I will surrender to
Rain.