Faith through Times of Trial

For me, things are crazy right now. So many unknowns. So many changes. So many possible negative outcomes. Why do I let myself dwell on the what-ifs? Have I somehow over the years become a pessimist, who automatically finds her thoughts drifting to the worst-case scenario in the face of adversity? I remember when I was the perpetual optimist, to the point of being blinded and naive, at times. I kinda miss that person. I don't like these feelings I am feeling. How can I know I serve a sovereign and loving God, and then realize I am subconsciously rebelling against Him, due to thoughts of "How could He have allowed this and that to happen to me, if He truly loved me?" I'm so much smarter than that. I'm not sure why I let feelings of doubt and defeat creep in.

I know I'm not a "Super Christian", but I do love and have faith in Christ. I'm nowhere near perfect or holy, but I know He loves me anyway. My own thoughts of self-worth and need for perfection are issues I have placed upon myself, or have had placed upon me over the years, which I am battling against. I constantly beat myself up in my never-ending battle to "Be holy as I am holy", as He says in His Word. It seems I'm not even close, no matter how hard I try. It's then I am tempted to just give up the fight. But... The important thing I need to remember in my relationship with Him is that He does not say, "Come to me all who have got their sh** together and never let the stresses of life get to them". No.... He said, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laiden, and I will give you rest." Can't remember the reference. Been too long since I've deeply poured myself into the Word. Been too long since I've been able to go to church, also. That's another personal "issue" I need to get beyond.

*Sigh* ...Tough times right now for sure, but I am going to, once again; choose to be thankful for all the blessings I have been given... my children, my family, my friends, etc. I will choose to do only what I can do to improve my situation, and in Faith, leave the rest... the future... in His almighty hands. The alternative is a dark one, for me. My only peace is in knowing God is better at being God than I am, then in letting Him lead.

...Had a really encouraging talk with a close family member this morning. Sometimes you need a kind little kick in the butt to remind you of what you already know, but are somehow unable to see in the fog of uncertainty and fear. He has equipt me with the gift of choice. I can chose to wallow in self-pity and get stressed and consumed by the vast gulf of unknowns and what-ifs before me... OR... I can chose to take the steps which are within my control, disallowing myself to become anxious about those things that are outside of my control.

In sitting down to do my devotions just after this talk, the daily devotional I was reading, once again had the perfect word at the perfect time. I had to share it. Who knows... maybe someone else out there has the same struggles as I do, and needs the same re-reminder, enlightenment, or encouragement.

Please pray for me and my children. We deeply believe in the power of prayer, and have witnessed miracles happen. ...And if you send me a message with your prayer request, I promise to pray to for you to. For the record, I'm not just one of those people who says, "I'll pray for you", cuz' it sounds thoughtful and nice to say. If I say I will pray for someone, I really will. Anyway, I digress. Here's the things I wanted to share:

Devotional for Every Day of the Year “Jesus Calling” ~ Sarah Young

October 21

To live in My presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies. When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference. Try to become aware of each resentment, however petty it may seem. Don’t push those unpleasant feelings down; instead, let them come to the surface where you can deal with them. Ask My Spirit to increase your awareness of resentful feelings. Bring them boldly into the Light of My Presence, so I can free you from them.

The ultimate solution to rebellious tendencies is submission to My authority over you. Intellectually you rejoice in My sovereignty, without which the world would be a terrifying place. But when My sovereign will encroaches on your little domain of control, you often react with telltale resentment.

The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Remember that all good things--your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time--are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!

Psalm 139:23-24...
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts, See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I Peter 5:6...
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”

Job 1:21...
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

~~~~
...and adding to that devotional, my personal favorite:
I Peter 5:7
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.”
(New Living Version)

....and another one He recently showed me (again), which I needed:
Luke 12:22-26...
“....Jesus said, “So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life -- whether you have enough food to eat or clothes to wear. For life consists of far more than food and clothing (or homes or cars or jobs or paychecks or possessions). Look at the ravens. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not! And if worry can't do little things like that, what's the use of worrying over bigger things?”
(New Living Version)

Death....

My heart breaks for my Grandmother. And for the whole Grossman family. My Uncle Sam died in a car accident last week. This is the 2nd son my Grandmother has lost in less than 2 years. Both were untimely deaths (from an earthly perspective).

I miss both my Uncle Mark, and my Uncle Sam. I did not get enough time with them. I did not give enough hugs, nor say enough “I love you’s”. They lived in Minnesota, and I live in California. I only saw them each a handful of times over the years, and was a very young girl all but one of those visits. When I did visit my family in Minnesota, I must have been busy playing with cousins and doing outdoorsy, Grossman things. In hindsight, I did not take enough time to sit down with either of my uncles, who are now gone from this world forever. I very much wish I could turn back the clock, so that I could just hang out with them... and say all of those things I never had the opportunity to say... hear all of those things I never had the opportunity to hear. I wish I knew them better. I wish I was able to experience more family time with them. But those wishes are futile. Death has taken them, and opportunity has escaped me.

In my sadness over their death, I cannot even begin to imagine how it would feel to lose your own child. How my Grandmother must be aching! What a vast void she must feel. Her heart must be overwhelmed with the very worst kind of sorrow.

This causes my mind to turn to thoughts of “what-if".... What if I were to lose one or all of my beloved babies? My children are my whole world. They are my joy. Their spiritual, emotional and physical health and well-being are of utmost importance to me. God gave me the role of being their mother, and I am beyond blessed to have that opportunity. I have such an indescribable love in my heart for my children. ...The thought of losing one of them is enough to make me feel sick with despair. I cannot even fathom the thought. If I were to lose one of them, I am quite certain my heart would literally stop beating forever. My children are my most significant “purpose”. All of these thoughts grant me an earnest sense of empathy for Grandma Max. How my heart aches for her.... oh, the loss and devastation she must feel.

I lack maturity in my comprehension of death. I realize we are mortal, and I know that each of us will die at some point. But my sensitive heart cannot bear the concept of loss. I love. I love with extreme depth and intensity. Not being able to love someone I am very close to at heart ,due to their life being taken away; well, that is a challenge I have not yet been able to properly intellectually process.

Sometimes I wish I were more like other people. So many people I know have the ability to disallow themselves to become too close to another person, so as to thwart potential heartache or loss down the road. Some of those people I know have become so adept at throwing up those internal walls, that they are now actually incapable of comprehending or feeling real love. Nothing short of a miracle can soften a heart that is as hardened as that. Yes, those people feel less pain. Yes, I’d love to feel less pain too.... but at the expense of not feeling and experiencing love?? You know what, on second thought, I don’t want to be like those people. Knowing true joy, deep love and profound inner peace far outweighs the benefit those people have of getting to feel numb in the face of loss.

I am going to continue on my journey in this life, to be love, and to be a light in this dark and self-serving world. I am not going to stifle my heart. I am not going to deny my tears. I will remain the passionate and emotional being that I have been created to be. I will pray that God will somehow show me how to process feelings of grief in the wake of heartache and loss. I will try my best to come to grips with death. It will surely be a daunting task. God, give me wisdom.

I am praying for my Grandmother today, that God will give her wisdom as well. And emotional healing, understanding and a brimming peace that will swallow up her grief.

Rainbow Song

How imperfect the world is.
Such afflictions. Such woes.
I know this life pains You.
It is not what You chose.
For free-will and choices
Seem a curse, though a gift.
Yes, hardships are imminent,
But my spirit does lift
At the thought of how Your death
Has altered my life.
Because You shed Your blood
(Sweet, selfless sacrifice),
I now can know true Joy,
In spite of this trial.
How can I let these tears
Supercede why I smile?
Please show me, assure me,
Remind 'til it lasts,
The knowledge that You will
Bring beauty from ash.
I will rest in awareness;
There’s a song in this pain.
You have promised a rainbow.
I will hope through the rain.

Aftermath

When the mega-storm hit,
I ran into Your arms.
I was in shock.
I had nowhere else to go.
You were the only place I felt safe.
I nestled into Your comforting embrace.
I was un-whole.
Irreparably injured.
Mortally wounded.
And you mourned with me.
You cried with me.
You held my heart.
Then there were days when I felt
Maybe I'd be okay.
Maybe I'd be stronger.
And healing began.
I sensed Your presence and Your love
In the initial aftermath,
But I'm having difficulty feeling those things
Now.
Why?
Have you gone?
Have I?
Sometimes when I'm wandering around
In bewilderment and doubt,
I think that I hear You whispering.
Soft words.
Love words.
Am I just too numb
To crawl back into Your arms?
I know I have shut out the world,
But is it possible that I am even
Shutting out the One who holds my scars,
And looks upon them as if
They are beautiful?
You are there, aren't You?
Arms outstretched,
Awaiting my return.
Patiently waiting for me to
Rest beneath Your sheltering wings.
I wish I could go back...
Back to the way things were
Before it hit.
The knowledge of how futile that wish is
Is causing me to feel like I'm sinking.
Helplessly.
Please, pull me out.
I still trust You.
Only You.
My strength is very weak.
I cannot hold on very tightly.
I'm weary.
This sorrow just won't seem to lift.
I really need You.
Hold on
To me.

"Fools Gold"

I constructed a mountain to keep out the thieves.
I lived there in solace, with height as my peace.
Faith was the rock upon which I built.
Strength was my comfort. I'd pureness and will.
And then in the light of a warm, placid day,
A wanderer saw and said, "I'll climb today."
Though try as he did, whisp'ring soft, "I love you's",
My mount, unpersuaded, just would not be used.
It was but a fortress that safe-housed my gold,
which would not be borrowed and would not be sold.
This wanderer told me, "I do understand...
I'll respect your barrier, and protect your land."
And in time this wanderer wore down my guard,
So I fell asleep, and I fell asleep hard,
So thankful for one who at last understood.
I let myself rest. And I dreamt it was good.
He whispered, "Your mountain is precious to me...
I give you my word, I'll stand guard as you sleep."
And then in the quiet of senseless slumber,
A thief in the night, the charming wanderer,
At once seized the moment. He'd finally a chance,
While I was defenseless, to trespass my land,
And explore all it's glory and treasures within.
He uncovered the cave & he wandered right in.
With no one to blockade his self-centered greed,
He sought out the treasure, and with burning need,
He stole what was not his, with not a thought.
He made hasty retreat, hoping he'd not get caught.
I awoke in a panic, although still dark and night,
Knowing something was missing and all was not right.
I got up and found him at my mountain's base.
He spoke not a word, and was solemn of face.
No look in my eyes, no goodbye, he just left.
I could not comprehend, although I tried my best.
At once in the daylight it all became clear.
I went to my cave and I found he'd been there.
And where there was once gold, a great cavern lay.
Where once was a treasure, blood pooled in it's place.
I was deeply in shock. I thought him different.
I assumed he'd protect me. How I did lament!
Temptations to give up weren't far from my mind.
Yet thoughts of surrender, I just could not find.
I'd venture away from my safe haven now.
I'd not be a victim. I'd climb down this mount.
I'd commission search parties to find stolen gold.
It was not his to have. It was not his to hold.
And in time he'll realize all that he's done.
It will be too late, for the gold is long gone.
He sends letters to me from far away lands:
"I still want your heart. I still want your hand."
But soft words can't undo the harshness of theft.
His mission, to conquer. Deep loss was his gift.
Respond not, I've chosen, for he is a fraud.
He can hide from himself, but he can't hide from God.
Seeking shelter in shadows, he lives on the run.
I pray soon he will be exposed by the sun.
Recovering property is not my goal.
It's justice I want, and to defend others' gold.
My treasure is gone and cannot be reclaimed,
But I do know his face and I do know his name.
And I will not rest until others are safe
From his alluring deception and believable face.
And though this has cost me almost everything,
I'll mourn not my losses. I've reason to sing,
For I know, thank God, my most valued treasure
Lay hidden. I gave not. Of that, I am sure.

'Til Answers Become Clear

God, You know the ache within my soul.
Come and heal my body.
Restore my heart to whole.
This burning pain feels like it’s here to last.
But you have promised
You can bring beauty out of ash.

I’ve asked and asked a million times, “God, Why?!”
But You are causing peace to grow,
And soon these tears will dry.
I know I cannot live my life in fear.
I will choose to rest in You,
‘Til answers become clear.

Father, I reach up with open arms,
Knowing You’re the only One
Who’d never do me harm.
Your gentle presence now is all around.
I sense your hand upon my heart.
What’s lost will soon be found.

I lay this heavy burden at Your feet.
I know that I am not alone,
Lord, You are holding me.
Please, bring me to renewed serenity.
Though understanding I have not,
I’ve Your surpassing Peace.

"Life is not Fluffy, White Clouds"

Life is not fluffy, white clouds.
At some point a fierce storm does threaten us all.
When I'm feeling weighed down by doubt;
I fix my gaze up, disallowing hopes fall.
I am not immune to the dark.
The worries and stresses and fears life can bring
Can burden my overwhelmed heart,
But those gusts and gales cannot loud enough sing
To drown out the song in my soul;
The one He has given when life resembles Hell.
I'll hold tightly to my Faith. His Love.
I'll cling to deep peace and I'll sing, "It is Well."