A Christmas Song

“Merry Christmas”
MG ~ 12/20/2011

Here it is that time of year again.
I have been in love with Christmas since God knows when.
And for me it’s not the presents, tree or lights
That captivate me. There is only one Gift on my mind.

So, I just have to say...

Merry Christmas, Father up above!
Merry Christmas! I offer You my love.
This celebration is only all for You!
Merry Christmas, God, from me to You.

Years ago a baby boy was born.
Your only Son, the only One, was sent to mend the torn.
And that Christmas gift, the greatest of them all,
Is the reason for this season. Thank You, Father, God.

And I just have to say...

Merry Christmas, Father up above!
Merry Christmas! I offer You my love.
This celebration is only all for You!
Merry Christmas, God, from me to You.

Just a couple of poems

"Love's Metaphor II"

Just like the Redwoods, so sturdy, so strong;
Like soft, northern breezes that hummed our love song;
Like blankets of waves that caressed the seashore,
Unceasingly flowing, returning for more...
So saw I our love: secure, solid and deep.
But it waxed evanescent, and not ours to keep.
Great billows and torrents and weathering bluffs,
Eroded the surface of what never was.
Although dissipated - dispersed by the gale,
I reflect quite fondly on our fairy tale.
I wonder, do you dream of love's metaphor?
Do you climb those Redwoods along rippling shore?
If you think of me, tenderly reminisce
The depths of that ocean... the taste of that kiss,
And we can pretend it was endless and true.
When reverie seizes, I dance there with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Lovers”

Lovers...
They walk about
hand in hand
so brutally.
Have they no sympathy
for the spectator?
How rude of them
to kiss.
They cuddle and coo
maliciously.
How could they?!
They do.
Oh, they do.
But I
am not
a captive audience!
I have better things to do,
anyway.
So...
I turn away.
I depart.
I run impossibly far
from the obscene scene,
and opt not
to look
upon love.

A Mountain of Unforgiveness

I'm really struggling with forgiveness, lately. Those that are close to me know the finer details, but suffice it to say, great wrongs have been done to me. As years of wrongs and injustices have been added to the pile, I am now finding myself standing before a giant mountain of bitterness, blame, anger and grudge-holding. I hate this stupid mountain! I want it gone, as it seems to be impeding my personal growth. Add to it, the layers of ice and snow that are piled on top of it, increasing it's mass: bouts of self-loathing, denial, feelings of defenselessness, the subconscious need to make excuses for myself, self-pity, etc. It's a really ugly monstrosity. So, I have been struggling with how to tackle this mountain, and somehow level it completely.

Closure. There's another tricky issue. What is closure? What does it look like? Why do I have a need for it? Why do I need to have a happy, at-peace, fresh-start kind of acceptance after something painful has happened to me? I think, for me, it's a desire to somehow be able to move forward, without having the weighty burden of bewilderment and loss stuck upon my shoulders. I have recently become aware (thanks to my very wise Therapist) that the only way one can truly experience closure, is to forgive. And not just kinda... but to deeply, genuinely forgive. Ummm.... maybe I don't need closure so badly after all, because that seems like a rather challenging feat, at this point, to put it quite mildly.

But... I know deep down inside of me that I am wrong in allowing myself to be stuck up here on this mountain. I want it gone. I know in my heart God wants that for me too. I am praying that He will bring me to a place where I can truly forgive a few people in my life and past. It must be done.

I opened up to my dad (we're very good friends) about my issue of unforgiveness recently, and he emailed me a link to the following article he'd stumbled upon on the issue. It was perfectly timed. But, to be honest, I hated reading it! It hit home too hard. Forgiveness sometimes feels a bit too difficult. Especially in certain circumstances. I will share it with you, because there are some really good points in it. I'll attach the link at that bottom of this page.

The paragraph in this article that stood out to me the most was:
A) "You see, forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you and God. It is wonderful when the person is truly sorry, asks for forgiveness, and your relationship is restored and even stronger for the experience. But when this isn’t the case, God’s truth doesn’t change. Through forgiveness, He can provide peace and healing in your life even if the other person isn’t sorry or restoration is not possible. I have heard that when we choose not to forgive someone, it is as if we have handcuffed that person to us and we are dragging him or her around with us everywhere we go. Choosing to forgive is choosing to undo the handcuff on your wrist and not carry that person around with you anymore. This choice does not require anything from the other person. It is something you alone can do with the help of God."

...Kinda simple and hard, all at once! But a very fitting analogy. And the most insightful part for me was in coming to realize that forgiveness really has nothing to do with the person who has wronged me. I'm still trying to reprogram my thinking in that area. It's a hard concept to wrap my brain around, however, I am tenacious; especially when it comes to my desire for spiritual and emotional growth.

I will continue to work on this. I am chosing to put some effort and time into healing and fixing this broken part of me. It's going to take some cognitive thinking skills, a lot of prayer and possibly a down-right miracle. But I've seen Him work miracles in my life before. I know once I am completely there, that great big ugly mountain of unforgiveness will simply implode. I cannot wait!

~m~

....Here's that article on Forgiveness that I told you I'd post the link for:
http://www.holinesstoday.org/nphweb/html/ncn/article.jsp?id=10010896

...An afterthought... God has forgiven me so very many times. Times when I didn't even feel worthy of His forgiveness. His forgiveness is unconditional and without end. In my attempt to be more and more like Him, I know what I must do. Seventy times seven.

Lemons & Peace

I wrote a blogpost yesterday which was rather melancholy. It is so easy to get wrapped up in self-pity when life throws barrels full of lemons at you (see, there I go again). But, this morning's read brought clarity. I read it just a bit ago, after dropping the kids off at school. I definitely want to share it with you, but would like to tell you how my morning went up to that point...

I went to bed stewing in stress over all the major challenges, trials and painful circumstances I have before me at this point in my life. I was exhausted in every way. I awoke at 4:30am, wide awake and feeling a deep sense of peace. This was very out of the ordinary for me. So I laid in bed praying for a bit, with a thankful spirit.

I heard Caleb calling me about 15 minutes later. He'd had a nightmare. I went in his room and cuddled next to him in his bed and prayed with him for rest and peace. After an hour, he fell back to sleep. Our dog, Rain, took my spot on his bed and slept next to him. Caleb looked peaceful. I crawled back into my own bed at 5:15, hoping to catch at least a wink of sleep before having to start my day. Nope. Wasn't gonna happen. I laid there much too awake. For those that know me well, you know I'm not much of a morning person, so again, this was out of the ordinary.

Then Bre's alarm goes off at 5:30. She's way tired, so she decides to come crawl in next to me. Also, her alarm scared the crap out of her: it was set to Air 1, and the 5 seconds of the song that was playing when the alarm went off (just before she shot straight out of bed and shut it off) was, "...and they unfold like flowers before You...". I told Bre that was a pretty line to wake up to, but she said all she heard was, "SCAREY, SCREAMING MONSTER...for you". Got a good chuckle outta that one, sorry Bre. Anyway, so I snuggled with her for a while. We got up shortly after 6:00.

All 4 of us were in great moods this morning. All 3 kids got ready early and helped me pack their lunches. I made a big, yummy breakfast. We ate, hugged, played with the dog, let the dog have our leftovers, giggled and just had a fun, family morning. No grumpies nor groggies, just peace. I dropped the kids off at school 15 minutes early, which nearly never happens, and on the way there, we discussed how this feels like a really blessed day. It was good. We all needed that.

Then... I come home and read today's read from "Jesus Calling". This is what it said:

"Let Me infuse My Peace into your innermost being. As you sit quietly in the Light of My Presence, you can sense Peace growing within you. This is not something that you accomplish through self-discipline and willpower; it is opening yourself to receive My blessing. ....In this age of independence, people find it hard to acknowledge their neediness. However, I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for Me; placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer and closer to Myself. You have discovered flowers of Peace blossoming in the most desolate places. You have learned to thank Me for hard times and difficult journeys, trusting that through them I accomplish My best work. You have realized that needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately, which is the gift above all gifts.

Isaiah 58:11, "The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."

Isaiah 40:11, "He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."


...........so good! So pertinent. It did bring some clarity, in light of yesterday's pity-fest. I'm so thankful to have a God who I know and trust will take care of me and my children. I'm choosing to place all my faith in Him, despite not always being able to see that end of tunnel light. I'm going to watch while He makes barrels of lemonade out of all these lemons; enough for me to be able to share with many.

Thanks so much to those who are praying for us. Love to all.

~m~

Shelter

I just laid out the lyrics and piano part for this song. I have had an intensely stressful morning... unfortunately, one of many, as of late. Have you ever had so much anxiety and stress in your life, that you find it hard to even pray? Isn't that when we should be reaching out to God the most? I'll tell you, it really took a conscious effort for me to do so this morning. I did find the strength to ask God for some guidance in my present trials, and the only answer I got was "Rest". Kinda hard to do that, God! But "rest" and "shelter" and "wings" kept filling my mind, and I felt compelled to write a song, instead of wallowing in worry. It's a slow, soulful song. No chorus. No bridge. Just instrumentals in between verses. Key of F/Dm.

"Shelter"

I need shelter from this storm.
I need my faith to be restored.
I wish I trusted You more.
I wish I needed less, Dear Lord.

I fear I'll somehow miss the sound
Of mercy's call, as my fears drown it out.
All these needs and fears weigh me down.
Draw me into faith and out of doubt.

There is rest beneath the wings of hope.
Shelter me, so I am not alone.
I will wait until the clouds have gone.
Carry me from darkness to dawn.

~~~

God showed me a scripture verse just now. Psalm 57:1, "Be merciful to me, God, be merciful to me, for my soul takes refuge in you. Yes, in the shadow of your wings, I will take refuge, until disaster has passed." (World English Bible translation). I'd say it was my inspiration for writing this, except I came upon it after having written the song. I think God's trying to tell me something...

The Sea of Great Despair

"The Sea of Great Despair"
11-3-11



She is underneath the water,

She is running short on air;

She's engulfed in black abysm,

All encompassed by her fear.

Many monsters slither ‘round her,

Hidden by the dark and dense.

She is tangled up in panic,

Thrashing hard without defense.

This survivor who has never

Given up under duress

Is depleted. She is drowning.

She succumbs to helplessness.

Hope slips from her grasp into

The Sea of Great Despair.

She descends into oblivion.

Solitary. Sinking. Scared.



Then, through the darkest portent;

Through pursuing cold, wet gloom,

There’s a whispering: “Look upward

When you’re unsure what to do.”

This soft murmur from within her

Somehow quells her gurgling screams.

Her body stills. Her mind clears.

For a moment, she can think.

So, she forces her eyes open,

And compelled, pulls up her gaze.

She is met with such a vision,

Hope comes rushing back in waves.

For ahead, through murky waters,

Glorious rays of light reach down;

Like angelic arms of mercy,

Showing her that she'll not drown.



Though quite weak, she kicks and rises.

She ascends, steady and slow.

The travail will not be easy.

She has boundless leagues to go.

With determination mounting,

Eyes fixated on a dream,

She proceeds and strains for higher,

To emerge from this grim sea.

How that sparkling surface beckons,

Hailing glimmering relief.

Mindfully, she’ll not look downward.

Very soon she’ll get to breathe.

Stubbornly, she pushes onward.

She’ll not rest until she’s out.

Those cascading beams of promise

Pierce the dark and purge the doubt.

Emmanuel

The name word/name ‘Jesus’ means a lot to me. My faith is based upon it. It brings me comfort in times of need. In light of the trials that I am currently going through, I have found myself calling out to Jesus, lately, more than I have in months. When I have bad dreams, or am afraid, I always says the name of Jesus out loud. When I feel I am under spiritual attack, I say His name aloud. In fact, just the other night I had a nightmare that I could not seem to wake up from. I started saying “Jesus” in my sleep. I said it until I woke myself up, muttering it. His name always seems to ease my fear. Incidentally, Caleb happened to have crawled into my bed to sleep with me that night. My muttering must have woken him up too, because he reached out and touched my arm and said, “I love you, Mom.”

Emmanuel. I have heard that word all my life. I grew up with a Pastor Father, and went to Christian school from grade school through college; so of course, I know that word well. I have sung songs with that word in the lyrics. I have heard the word used in many sermons. I have read it many times in the Bible. I have learned that Emmanuel is the name Mary gave to Jesus upon His earthly birth. It never meant much more to me than that, though, it is an important word. A name. It is a cool name. I like that name.

This morning, in reading a very simple scripture verse, Matthew 1:23, I had an epiphany. I have read that verse so many times over the years. But this time, the deeper meaning behind that word/name jumped out at me... Emmanuel means “God with us”. How come I never “got it" before reading it again just a bit ago? This time, I got goose bumps all over when I read it. For the first time ever, I have realized: Jesus’ very name means “God with us”! His very name means He is God and He is always with me! .....His. Very. Name.

My present trials seems so small to me right now, because I know and love Emmanuel! And I am known and loved by Emmanuel! He is with me! He knows my life, heart, thoughts and dreams. He knows my fears, faults, failings and worries. HIS VERY NAME brings me comfort and peace on this day, for He is with me.

Digging into the Greek and original transcripts of the Bible, you will find there are countless words used to name, describe or characterize God/Jesus. But today, the one that is bringing me a deep sense of tranquility comes from such a simple, yet dramatically enlightening verse. God’s name defined; is love, comfort, rest and peace. ...He is with me. What more could I possibly want or need? That’s not even a question. If it is a question, it’s certainly a rhetorical one.

.........Emmanuel.