Courageous

I have had the fog removed from my eyes. It was not a gradual fade; it completely vanished instantaneously. I have been living lately underneath a dark cloud of depression. I have felt defeated, and have entertained thoughts of giving up. I saw no hope, and no way out. I feared that I was being overcome completely by sorrow & failure. But the fog has lifted, and I can now see things more clearly.

I've been going through some very hard times. My life has not been easy, and it's recently come to a screeching halt. I've been praying to God for answers and guidance, and have been doing a lot of soul searching. As I was folding laundry this morning, I popped in the movie "Courageous", which my sons urged me to rent (they saw it this past weekend while at a church camp out with my dad). This movie was like a light switch. It completely illuminated my mind and heart, and I began to realize & own some very important things...
1) There is nothing I can do to change the mistakes and/or unwise choices I have made in my past.
2) Giving into a defeatist attitude & wallowing in feelings of failure will in no way help me to make better choices for my future, and the future of my children.
3) There is no better time than the present to make a change, and to begin living with honor and courage, and to make a commitment to being the best mother and human being I can be... even if that means making some tough decisions.
4) I can't do anything about the choices other people have made that have negatively affected my kid's lives & my own. My children have not had courageous fathers. But from now on, they will be able to say they have a courageous mother. I will commit to them and to God (and to myself) that I will continue to remain single until the Lord brings into our lives a courageous man - a man of honor - a man who possesses the values and integrity I want my children to be exposed to. And God will need to reveal all of that to me.
5) God WILL provide blessing and favor upon my children and myself. Our home will be blessed because I choose and will continue to choose to place Him first. I will courageously let go of false securities and crutches I have held onto for too long just to get by. It's time to understand the true meaning of Faith, and live it, walking blindly into the unknown following only Jesus.

After the movie, I drove to the gas station around the corner to put gas in my empty gas tank so that I will be able to pick up my kids from school today. I had only $5 left, and that bought me just over one gallon of gas. I have no money, no job, am receiving no child support; and this weekend, my kids and I are left with no option but to move up North to live in the apartment my parents own beneath their house. I've struggled for years to provide financially for my three amazing kids, but am finally being forced to humble myself and admit that we're just not making it. I am exhausted in every single way, and I am weak. I've had to admit that I really need the help of my family right now, which has been SO hard to do as an independent woman, and one with a little too much pride. I need God to show me what's next - where to go from here.

In this time of new beginnings, I know I am blessed. I have a supportive family, and three incredible human beings I have the honor to call my children. Right now is the perfect opportunity to hit "reset" on my life. It is the perfect time to embrace hope, commit to faith and accept God's peace, which truly does surpass my own human understanding. I will be courageous and seek wisdom. I will be a strong, nurturing and loving Mother, and raise my children in a godly home. That is the greatest opportunity I could ever hope for. God, give me the strength to do it well.

If you haven't seen the movie Courageous, I implore you (whether you are a parent, married, single, young, old)... watch it.

A Heart of Love

My daughter has such a heart for people. In the midst of moving, the last few weeks of school, homework, peer issues, and trying to make sense of life, she has such a sweet and genuine heart of love. She's facing some tough choices and adversities at this point in her life. But instead of putting all her focus on herself, which would be typical at her age (twelve), she's incredibly in tune to others.

She called me into her room to open up to me a bit tonight before bed. She's concerned about a friend she knows. Her room is in disarray (not normal for her) because we're in the middle of a move. But as she sits on her bed in tears amongst the chaos, she tells me about how God has laid this friend on her heart. She listened to a couple of Christian songs by Skillet, and felt the need to reach out to someone who is hurting. It moved me to tears right along with her. She was even so bold in the Spirit, just before she called me in to talk about it, that she called her friend and bore her heart on the matter. We talked about it, then prayed together about it. I can't help but be thankful to God for giving her a heart after His own. She loves, and gives & feels so deeply for others. I can very much relate to this. It's can be a burden sometimes, but is ultimately such a blessing. Giving your time, energy, love, support and most importantly prayer to others makes life so full of purpose. I'm proud of my daughter. I'm thankful that at her young age, she "gets it".

Life's purpose is love. Seeds planted do grow. Thank you, Lord, for what you are doing in my daughter's life, and in others lives she touches.

Autumn Came in May

When Autumn shed its leaves again,
I thought the ache would finally end,
And memories would fade into mulch.
Then winter came with biting cold,
I'd hoped these thoughts would melt like snow,
But icy winds reminded me of your touch.

Then springtime came around & I
Saw my hopes like flowers rise...
I couldn't see the garden for the dirt.
And as the birds chirped freedoms song,
I fell back into the arms of one
Who wouldn't let me get past the hurt.

Familiar heartache plays
A song I've sung for days...
This year Autumn comes in May.

I am determined mindfully
To set my loathsome sorrow free,
And ready myself for sweet release.
Maybe this year by summertime,
I'll willingly let the sun shine,
And forget all that caused my heart to freeze.

These clouds will blow away.
Hope will outshine the rain,
But this year Autumn comes in May.

In May, the magic tulips bloom,
And butterflies soar past the gloom.
I have no time for muted shades of gray.
It's color that my darkness seeks,
And love to rise, not fall like leaves.
I'm longing for a bright, sunny day.
Yes, this year Autumn came in May,
...But this year isn't over.

Anchors... and a song

I’m restructuring so many things in my life lately. Or, working at it, rather. I’ve always yearned to be the best person I could possibly be in all areas. I’ve always failed miserably at perfection. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be perfect, and am becoming much more realistic in my expectations of myself as the years pass. That is not to say that I have become lackadaisical in my pursuit of wholeness, it just means I have learned the art of acceptance. Of myself. Not of what I’ve done, nor where I’ve been, but acceptance of ME. Who I am at my core. The journey towards comprehension of God’s complete and unconditional love of me is still an ongoing one, but my path is getting a little smoother, thankfully. I will always strive to be better, but I think I’m done kicking myself so hard when I fall down. When I do that, it makes the getting up that much more difficult. The word “accept" means: to believe the goodness or realness of something. Am I perfect? Uh.... no. But I am learning to accept myself for who I am WHILE continuing to strive to become better. Does that sound like a crazy paradox?

In my current life restructuring phase, I am finding myself a little sad. There are things that I have allowed to be a part of my life that are really holding me down. Certain people, certain emotions, specific character traits, habits and excuses.... a whole gamut of things that I need to find a way to let go of. This feels like loss to me, and it makes me a little sad and afraid. But what I need to remember is that if I let go of those distracting, defeating “things” that are occupying my heart and head and life space; I will have a lot more room for all the positive, reinforcing things to enter in and become a part of my life. It’s not a loss, it’s a gain... That is the mantra that I need to repeat to myself.

In my somber state this morning, I was praying a little, wallowing in worry about how I am going to be able to do all of this restructuring, and feeling a little bit like crawling back into bed and going to sleep so I don’t have to deal with it. But ignoring certain things in my life that have really brought me down emotionally is exactly what I should not be continuing to do. Because ignoring is exactly the reason my life is not where I want it to be. I need to be strong, face the truth, and cut the ropes to the many anchors which are stalling my voyage to joy. Joy is, after all, my ultimate destination. So back to my somber state... I was sitting alone in my quiet house, wondering where to start. Once again, I felt God telling me to go to my keyboard and start to sing and play. The song that came to me is one I wrote many years ago, when I was going through a tough time in life. As I began to play and sing it, it all came rushing back to me, and the words were so much what I needed. It was almost like God was speaking directly into my heart through the lyrics I had written so long ago. He is so mysterious and amazing. I am so thankful that He reaches out to me right where I am in the unexpected ways that He does.

I had a friend ask me the other day when we were on a walk on the beautiful Sacramento River Trail near the Sundial Bridge, “Do you feel like you are ready to fall in love with ‘the one’?” We were talking about relationships, and being single. I did not even hesitate with my answer. I replied, “No!!!” And this got me thinking, why would I feel unready for something that I truly yearn for and am designed for... love? It is because I want to be the very best that I can be for the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want him to meet me in this restructuring phase. I want him to see the finished result, so I can be really, really, really good at loving him. With no anchors getting in the way.

Here is the song that helped me this morning. I may have posted this on my blog years ago, but I felt it was post-worthy again, for the following reason..... If you are feeling down today, or if you have some anchors you need to drop, or some restructuring that you need to do, my hope is that these lyrics will uplift you. I wish I could sing and play it for you, because you never get the full emotion behind the song with just the lyrics. Regardless, here it is:

"I Will Not Let You Down"

Vs 1:
When you feel afraid,
When your dreams start to fade,
When your worries are on a roll.
When you feel alone,
When you can’t find your way home,
Just remember, I’m in control.

Chorus:
I will not let you down.
I will not let you down .
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

Verse 2:
When times are a bit tough,
When your road is way too rough,
When heartache’s all you can feel;
Those are the times I’m there.
Those are the times I care the most.
I’ll protect you; I’ll be your shield!

Chorus:
I will not let you down.
I will not let you down.
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

Bridge:
People will say
You can make it on your own,
But you know I’m the Way,
And my arms will carry you home!

Chorus:
I will not let you down.
I will not let you down .
...Nothing can take away My love.
...I’m watching you from above.
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

I’m so glad we have a God who carries us through the rough spots.

A Healthier Me...

I have decided that a lifestyle change is in order for me. The motivation hit me just after my youngest son patted my tummy, then told me I had a belly because I was going to have another baby. What??!!! Do I seriously look pregnant? I know he was saying it to be silly and funny, but it did kinda resonate. Getting fit is something I have been wanting to do for a while now. Nate will be glad to know, later in life, that my final motivation for completely restructuring my physical lifestyle came from him.

I rarely exercise, though I do take my kids on walks and bike rides about once a week. I eat horribly, with no thought of calories, fat or health consciousness whatsoever. It’s hard to diet when you really, really, really enjoy food! But I have decided that the feeling of sluggishness and exhaustion that always seems to stay with me probably have a lot to do with both the lack of exercise and lack of good diet. It’s time for a change!

I laid out a diet and exercise plan this morning, and I am really excited to be starting this new endeavor. I’m no expert in this field, but I do have a few friends who know quite a bit about it, so I ran this by them, and they said it looks pretty good. It’s a good starting place, anyway. I don’t want to go too extreme with it, initially, for fear of setting myself up for failure, which is what I have always seemed to do in the past. Crash diets and starving myself just do not work. Taking out all carbs or all fat or all wheat, etc... those types of diets never work for me either, not in the long run. What I need is a well-balanced, healthful way to eat, and also incorporate into my daily routine some moderate exercise to begin burning fat. I’m hoping this will also lower my blood pressure, and give me a better metabolism. I’m not going to take any diet pills or drink any shakes or buy any pre-packaged diet foods. I’m going to do this the all-natural way. In the end, my goal is just a healthier, more energetic and confident me. I’ll never be super-model perfect, but I can at least be healthy and happy with who I am.

I was told by a good friend who knows a lot about healthy living, that in order to succeed at a lifestyle change, you have to love it. You have to want it, otherwise you won’t be committed to it. So the exercises I plan to do will be ones that I actually enjoy, and the meals that I eat, while healthy, will be made to taste savory and delicious. He also told me that I should not think of this in terms of quitting something, as that creates a feeling of loss; but rather think of it in terms of gaining something positive in my life, i.e.: health, better body image, strength, energy, etc. I need to come to a place where I would rather have those good additions to my life, than have the bad habits that draw me down.

So for starters, drinking wine as often as I do definitely is not good for a person. It’s high in sugars, and alcohol has been proven to be very detrimental to a person’s body. I don’t plan to cut it out completely, but certainly take it down to a much lower level of frequency. I do love my wine, but I love the feeling of being healthy, more.

Additionally, I am going to need to quit smoking. That’s going to be very challenging, as I have smoked for 16 years. The only time I have ever been able to successfully quit is when I became pregnant all three times. I quit cold-turkey those times, because the health of the life within me was more important than my craving. Unfortunately, nothing has ever proven to be motivation enough for me to quit, since those times. And because I am not planning on getting pregnant any time soon (contrary to my son’s jesting conclusion as to the reason for my squishy tummy), I am going to have to find the will-power to quit for different reasons. I’d say my health is a pretty good place to start.

I wrote up a what I call “Monica’s Lifestyle Change Plan” this morning, that includes diet and exercise planning. I also plan to take some pictures and weigh myself, so I can better be able to track my progress. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to self-sabotage, so I am hoping and praying that this time, I have the determination and self-control it’s going to take to become a healthier me. I’m posting all this on my blog, as a way to publicly hold myself accountable. Wish me luck!

As always, I will continue to work on growing and improving my emotional and spiritual health, but I am so excited to now be putting equal amounts of effort into my physical health as well. I’m not sure why I have been neglecting that side of me for so long - I probably need to analyze that - but I am excited and ready for change!

Out-Wait the Gale

During the "cold-seasons" in life, poetry is my release. I'm hoping to share some happier poems once the sun shines in my world again. And it will.


“Out-wait the Gale”
3/16/12

Windy times.
No end in sight.
The gales do blow
All day. All night.

I cannot rest.
I can’t recall
A time without
These winds at all.

I wish this storm
Would pass me by,
I wish for spring,
And warm sunshine,

And though I know
For everything
There is a time,
And seasons bring

Both serene warmth
And bitter cold;
It’s just these gusts
Are growing old.

I wish that I
Could hibernate
Until the storm
At last does break,

And beams of light
Pierce through the clouds,
And teardrops dry,
And sun rains down.

But in this season
I will grow,
Like flower buds
Beneath deep snow.

I will not fret
Nor hide, nor wail.
I’ll bide my time:
Out-wait the gale.

Sing, Pray, Smile.

Busy, busy morning. Woke up late. Accidentally shut off my alarm when I meant to hit snooze. I had a half hour to get the kids ready for school, feed them a healthy breakfast, and make 3 lunches to go. As I'm preparing breakfast in the kitchen, I burst into a song I have not heard in many years. It's a hymn I used to hear in church as a child. I rarely sing in the morning, 'cuz I'm not a morning person, and I'm typically too groggy to think, much less hold a tune. But this song just would not leave my heart and lips this morning. Who on earth wakes up out of a deep sleep having their first thought be a random song, much less a song from the 1800's??? Yeah, that'd be me.... Anyway, I kept singing, "Are you weak and heavy laden? Are there worries everywhere? Please, don't ever be discouraged. Take it to the Lord in prayer." Such an old school song, but such comforting lyrics. I changed up the meter and dynamics to give it a more modern feel. My kids liked it. What an awesome feeling to be working in the kitchen, singing an uplifting song while my kids are quietly eating their breakfast and listening. Kinda set a really positive tone for the day.

When I got home from dropping them at school, I knew I needed to begin getting ready for my job interview today, but before doing that, I couldn't help but spend a little time in prayer, then go to my keyboard and start chording and singing the song. I googled and printed up the lyrics so I could sing the right ones... apparently I didn't remember them very well, but I was on the right track. Such a happy, easy song, and in the key of C. It doesn't get much easier than that! I now have a smile on my face and a peace in my soul, knowing I have taken everything on my heart - good, bad and ugly - to the Lord in prayer. Today is going to be a good one. I feel it. I hope yours is a good Friday too. If you remember this song from way, way, way back in the day, hum or sing it a little. It'll make your heart smile.


"What a Friend We Have in Jesus"

Text: Joseph M. Scriven, 1820-1886
Music: Charles C. Converse, 1832-1918


1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.