Last night, my heart broke with his welling tears.
My tears spilled too, but I wiped them away quickly.
I swallowed hard.
"I have to be strong for him!
He was happy a minute ago?
Where did it come from?"
I was just about to kiss him goodnight.
I wish I knew everything that went on
In the beautiful little boy's mind.
He suddenly looked so lost and lonely.
He looked at me with big,
Pleading 6-year-old eyes, and asked,
"When will I ever get to meet my dad?"
I felt like a car fell on my chest.
I cried with him for a moment,
Feeling his ache.
I wanted that for him too.
It's not fair!!!
In a split second,
I felt so many things at once!
Anger.... anger at his father
For not caring enough to be one.
Sadness... sadness that my precious son
Has never known what it is like to have a "dad".
Empathy... empathy because I, too, have felt
Rejected and deeply alone.
Love.... most prevelantly, love.
I adore this little boy,
And I will make SURE he knows it.
I may be able to relate to his breaking heart,
But I can't relate to never having a father.
God blessed me with the best father in the world.
But my precious, sweet, smart, special son...
So gifted... so unique...
So very, very, very special...
Has never even met his.
I've begged his father to just meet him.
I understand that he doesn't want to be his "dad"
(For reasons he somehow seems to justify to himself),
But couldn't he at least give my son the satisfaction
Of knowing he had a father?
Couldn't he at least meet him?
Hug him even one time?
Ugh... my heart is breaking.
I can't type.
I can't see past these tears.
Why, God?!!!
[Holy Father, he needs you so desperatley.
Please, help my son.
Please, reach into his soul and give him peace.
Please, help me to be enough.
Please, help him to feel loveed, healthy and whole.
And please, God, change his father's heart.
Soften him, and help him to understand how very much
His little boy needs his father.]
I looked him right in those big,
Precious, brown eyes and said,
"I don't know. I do hope he comes around one day.
But you know what? You are blessed!
Because you have 2 extra special grandpas!
And you have a mom that loves you with all her heart,
So, so, so, so much!"
Just then he sat up in bed, and grabbed for me,
Almost lunged.
He wrapped his arms around my neck.
I wrapped my arms around him too,
And rocked him.
"I love you, Mom..." he mumbled,
His face buried in my neck.
"I love you too, Nate. SO much.", I replied.
He breathed in deeply, then laid back down.
I checked his eyes for tears,
But they were gone.
"I think he's okay now..."
I thought, without conviction.
How could I be sure.
Would he ever really be okay?
Every little boy needs a father.
I hate that I am not enough to fill my baby's void.
I can't be. I wasn't designed that way.
This is not how life is supposed to be.
I only pray I can be strong enough
And mom enough
For Nate.
2 comments:
Hi, there Monica! My only son living son that I know of is Nathaniel and we have always called him Nate for short. He is such a blessing. How ironic that I long to be a dad to my children and have cried for them just as you have for Nate. Their mother and the courts have prevented me from having any contact with them and I have now been estranged from them for the most part for three years now. I was divorced against my will and I chose not to fight my battle in court, but on my knees. I wrote the Judge a letter spelling out what the Bible said about divorce and that we did not meet the Biblical requirements for divorce. That was my only response. Today I realize I am free according to 1st Corinthians 7:15. My children have been stolen from me against our will and I know one day soon the Lord will restore them to my arms. I pray and fast for their welfare and I know that one day their broken spirit will be healed. Thank you for writing this and sharing it. I will be praying for you and your children. Blessings! (Eph 1:3)
Thank you, Robert. We live in a fallen world, and the "free will" gift that mankind has been given can, unfortunately, cause so much chaos and pain. Things in today's world are not as God wants them. Family is so taken for granted. Love is not first and foremost in people's thoughts. We are a selfish society. Families are broken, and children are left parentless as a result. I, like you, am purposing not to live that way. My children WILL be loved. They will be brought up to fear God and have strong, family values. We can't do anything about what "other" people do (i.e.: our exes), but we can do something about ourselves. If you and I choose to be strong of character and stronger in faith, maybe it will catch on, and just maybe we can ignite the passion for family in "others". That is my prayer.
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