Dead Weight

This was originally going to be a song, but I had far too many lyrics on my heart, so it turned into a poem/rhymey gush fest.  I even deleted a few stanzas to keep it from being redundant and too wordy.  Anyway, it's about my decision to quit smoking cigarettes (again) and it also addresses some of the hardships and heartaches I have endured in my lifetime, especially over the past few years, and how I didn't deal with them in a healthy way.  I am opening up to God every single dark corner of my heart and life, and I am asking Him to come in and bring something beautiful out of some pretty painful things.  I know He can and will work this miracle in me, and I can already feel it has begun.

~m~

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"Dead Weight"


I was sinking... sinking slowly,
As the anchor bound me tight.
I was running out of time and air,
And falling farther from the light.
The travesty of my tragedy
Is the irony of my life:
The weight that pulled me downward
I clung to with all my might.

Now the time has come (I have been here)
For me realize again
That the things that brought me comfort
Are the things that caved me in;
And all things I ran to were
The things that stole my life.
I am done embracing villains.
I am ready now to fight.

I realized that Sadness was
Like family to me.
And it seemed my closest friends
Were Failure, Shame, Blame and Defeat.
I’ve laid my burdens down before,
Only to reclaim the load.
I’ve pushed my fears outside the door,
Then followed them out into the cold.

I’m tired of putting my heart to things
That do not love me back.
I’m tired of denial (lies will never
Make me forget all I lack),
And keeping secrets and painting my face
And pretending I am whole and fine,
And praying and hoping, yet running,evading,
Ignoring the glaring warning signs.

I haven’t fully faced the demons I
Have met along this road.
I have locked them in a closet,
Thus, giving them a home.
I didn’t realize that by
Ignoring all the agony,
And going on as if all was fine
I was adding to catastrophe.

I have to boldly face the ache,
With blood and sweat and tears.
I must look truth in it’s ugly eye,
Despite all dread and fear.
I have to first put in the work
Before healing can come.
I have to cut dead weight so I
Can finally rise above.

Jesus only knows my wounds
And what was ripped away.
Heaven only sees the tears
Invisible on my face.
But somewhere deep beneath these scars,
A brand new hope’s in bloom.
Beauty will rise up from ashes.
Glory will rise up from gloom.