"Treasure Hunts"

Searching bled me, false hopes led me

On treasure hunts that proved futile

I looked inside, I looked outside

Searching for my long lost smile

Drowning sorrows in a bottle

Shopping til I could not walk

Desperately searching for love to ease the pain

Covering the loss with empty talk

White Knights, streetlights, laughing with friends

Ways to stuff the ache down deep

Late nights, bedsides, seeking, aimless

Breaking vows I swore to keep

Drowning sorrows with a lover

Wondering why life cycles so

Nothing empty ever filled me up

All these nothings have left me low.

Tonight pride died I just realized

What I want is much, much more

I am bended, bowed and broken

Ready to accept what is in store

Drops of anything but Your love

Cannot numb a hollow heart

And I will not close my eyes, Lord,

I’m afraid to miss the start

…of sunrise

Faded Reveries

I cannot keep it together

I cannot keep the blues away

All of my life is in pieces

I loathe the mess that I have made

Spingtime used to be so happy

Sunshine used to make me sing

Looking through windows broken

Reminds of me of how I break everything.

I cannot blame a soul, me only

Has caused the chaos in my world

Nothing ever does complete me

God, how I miss my boy and girl.

Knights on white horses are distant

Fairytales of childlike fantasies

All I have left here are fragments

Pieces of faded reveries.

Come now, I’m begging you to take it

Every last shard, I lay it down

And all my pride I’ll toss away now

I know You can turn this around

Doubt always creeps in like rain storm

I never notice I’m cold til too late

I cannot fix it on my own, Lord,

Please won’t you take this storm away

Bring to me sunny, happy days, God

All that I have left is this prayer

I am so uncertain of tomorrow

Faith whispers, “You will be together there.”

"Confessions of a Friend"

I don’t tell you everything;

I tell you just enough

To stimulate your sleeping rage,

And get you all fed up.

I never mean to do this,

But it’s hard to reach out.

I guess it’s just much easier

To blame, vent and lash out.

I should not have spoken

While I was feeling hurt.

I should have let the tears fall.

It would have taken work.

But apathy and numbness

Seem to be all I seek,

And all the hope I festered

Seems to now have left me.

I know I was too open

Many moons ago,

And these days I’m too broken

To let my feelings show.

So please, know as you go forth

And live the life you do

You may have left me long ago,

But I am leaving too.

I am not speaking hate words.

There is no anger here.

I’m simply in agreement

With what you said last year.

The way you never felt me,

Or let me in or cared…

The way you chose easy roads

Because you were so scared…

It all makes sense to me now.

I finally agree.

We are very different.

You’re not The One for me.

But still, my dear, I love you;

It has evolved and changed.

I took the ache out on you,

But now it’s gone away.

I do not need a thing that

I don’t already have.

You do what makes you happy,

And for that I am glad.

I pray your life is so blessed

That you can’t help but pray.

I hope we can remain friends,

If not right now, someday.

Epiphany of a Martyr

I never understood how you could

Bid farewell to all that is good,

And look life in the face and turn.

With effort and grave determination,

You’ll abandon any situation

That bears the risk your heart will burn.

It seems so masochistic to me

To chose solitude over peace;

Losing love you were clearly meant to win,

But hear my epiphany… I know

All along you’ve been scared to expose

Your heart, so it can never break again.

~

You made a vow you can’t keep now,

And it kills your soul.

I relate in many ways.

I, too, am unwhole.

~

I remember a few years back

Trying to make up for what he lacked.

In the end, I wound up farther behind.

It either is love or it is not.

You can try and give it all you’ve got,

But true love is truly rare to find.

You felt it once long before me.

So long ago, it resembles a dream,

And now no longer is she dreamt of.

I felt sure that due to what I’d learned,

I could finally be the one to turn

Your heart and your head back to love.

~

Walls in place serve their purpose.

You feel safe that way.

Uninvited martyrs

Cannot unlock your gate.

~

So we move forth with courage, my friend.

No one knows beyond doubt where it ends;

The road has a will of it’s own, it seems.

Endeavoring not to draw within me;

At any cost, I must love freely.

But, I fear you hear my silent screams.

I still don’t comprehend it all,

How we can neither stand, nor fall.

But I am thankful for every lesson.

And with resolve I will bear a smile,

Reminiscent thoughts all the while,

And know there’s no need to keep guessing.

~

Did I lose me to apathy?

Do I even care?

All I know is I can’t go,

For you are everywhere.

Predestined Pavement

Traveling down different roads.

Where they’ll end, we do not know.

Travelers veer from the coarse,

Getting lost, reel from remorse.

Passers by don’t understand.

Even I can’t see His hand.

Forging on, driven by time,

Feigning strong, wish to rewind.

Faith, it grows, I’ve nothing else.

These dark paths, I know them well.

In the end, day always dawns.

Only then, I’ll find my way home.

Destiny, it must be a myth.

Vivid dreams did not end like this.

But lingering to what’s behind

Hinders from what I might find.

Push ahead out on your own.

Don’t look back, don’t stop, just go.

If these roads mean to unite,

No need to know. No need to fight.

Paved long before journeys begun;

Don't look ahead. Keep moving on.

"No Climbing This"

Okay, I’ll say it…

I have nothing to lose.

I’ll finally face it…

I’m still in love with you.

Today the sky was

Very far from blue,

But all the rain does not

Wash my heart of you.

I remember

Sunny, summer days.

I gazed upon you,

And watched you look away.

I never listened

To what you had to say.

I only hear what

I want to anyway.

You were more than

Anything I’d dreamed.

With all your walls you

Still broke right into me.

And I can’t face the

Fact that there’s no hope.

I think I’d climb up,

If you’d just throw a rope.

Now day is dawning,

And I can see your face.

You lack desire;

It left without a trace.

And so, from down here,

I look up at your cliffs,

And realize that

There is no climbing this.

Don’t you worry…

You’ll never be alone.

And in my heart you

Will always have a home.

I hope that someday

You’ll wake up to a smile,

But just remember

I’ve loved you all the while.

It’s not deleted

Cuz’ I don’t feel it back.

I will not force it,

Nor make up for what you lack.

I’ll just remember

Everything I’ve learned.

You gave me so much,

But for much more I yearned.

Please remember me…

Do not take this as a plea…

When you find the time to feel…

Please just know my love was real.

"In God's Hands"

Time heals all wounds

Or so it's been told

It’s not been too long

Since our love grew cold

And I realized

That you could not give

And it dawned on me

That I want to live

And love without walls

So freely and true

In short, so must different

Than it was with you

All of my dreams

Will come true in time

While you are stuck in

Your lonely resign

You may go have fun

But it’s all empty

And all of the while

You’re stuck missing me

And you will deny

But deep down you know

That you’ll never find

A love that’s more whole

And so while I’m healing

And praying for yours,

I sadly know you are

Embracing your scars

And using excuses

To act like a fool

And run far away from

The life meant for you

I hate to be so harsh

And put it like this

But sadly I know that

This was not your wish

It’s just what your fear

Made you finally decide

And so while I’m healing

You’re aching inside.

I’m too tired of it all

To reflect or try,

And so I have let go.

In God’s hands you lie.