Life has thrown me a few curve balls again, as of late. Par for Monica's course it seems, and yet I KNOW God will take care of everything, just as He always does. Doesn't mean I don't struggle with fear and doubt sometimes, in the midst of the unknown, but ultimately, my faith brings me back to the knowledge and owning that God WILL NOT forsake me.
I have lots to say, so I'm going to have to summarize here, or this blog would be far too long and venty (if that's not a word, it should be).
As you all know, I received primary custody of Breauna and Caleb last September, unexpectedly. It's been a year of adjustments, but it's been a blessing. They visit their dad every other weekend now, and things seemed to have calmed down there a whole lot, which is an answer to many prayers. It has honestly been a challenge to take care of a family of 4 all on my own. Now suddenly, my job is not going so well (for reasons no one can do anything about), and as of this Friday, I will be jobless. I've been praying hard, and job-hunting, and have interviewed with a few places. I have a few more to go, though in this economy, no one seems to want to pay me what I know I'm worth, and what I am accustomed to making. But that's alright. We can definitely tighten the belt a bit. I just want to make sure my kids are well taken care of. Pray for me this week, if you think of it. I really need to find a stable position of employment, and soon, as I don't believe in living off of "the system". I want to work to support my children, just as I've always done.
Now, in addition to the financial stress, I've recently found out my ex-husband has without any warning quit his job with the Sheriff's Department, and accepted a position overseas... as in, OUT OF THE COUNTRY. Ugh!!!! This presents a whole new gamut of stresses, believe me! One of which is the fact that my kids will see their dad next to never. They've already gone through the feeling of being without a father (back when we were going through the CPS trial, and then again for a few months this past summer when he was just "too busy"), and it broke my heart. Now they will have to go through all that hurt again, and for an indefinite period of time. He hasn't even told them yet, though he's supposed to be leaving the country very soon. My heart breaks for them. I wish life was easier. I wish Bre and Caleb's father made wiser choices. I wish Nate's father made wiser choices. But I can't do anything about them. I somehow just have to be enough. It's very overwhelming, and scary at times, but I know by the grace of God, I CAN raise emotionally healthy children.
I am worried and stressed and tired and unsure of the future. But I am soooo thankful for a supportive family and loving boyfriend, without whom I fear I'd lose my marbles. I am also incredibly thankful for a God was has ALWAYS provided and taken care of us, and who has never once let me down. I know for a fact that things will be okay, no matter how bleak they may seem at the moment. He's promised me this. And I am choosing faith over fear in these chaotic times.
I sat down to pray this morning, and suddenly had to run to the keyboard. Yep, you guessed it... a song was on my heart, and it was about to boil over. I wrote the lyrics and music in probably 3 minutes, and then felt oh so much better. It's just a simple prayer from the heart, in the key of 'G'. I feel peace and hope, and I just wanted to share. I wish I could play and sing it for ya, but since I can't, here are the lyrics, at least.
MG ~ 01/13/10
Right now things are hazy.
Sometimes I get weak.
The future is uncertain,
But I feel Your hand on me.
Only You know the answers.
I know You have a plan.
Unknown things make me crazy,
So I will place this in Your hands.
I'm heading to a job interview now (2nd of the day). God bless all of you, and may we always recognize His hand at work in our lives, even when can't see it in the moment.