Thursday, March 30, 2006

"Tears of Closure"

The tears felt so good

As they burning,

Slid down my cheeks.

It had been so many moons since

I had felt them fall.

Nothing could touch me that deeply.

Nothing could touch me at all.

I knew the moment I asked it;

The question that slipped

Past my lips,

I was about to feel pain.

Hear truth.

You never wanted to admit it…

I never wanted to accept it…

But whatever I lack,

You miss.

And so I will miss too…

You.


Someday someone will really see me,

And in me everything they’ve dreamed.

I will feel the very same way

At the very same time

At last.

I will know love.

I believe this passionately;

With all of me.

It’s that love I’ve prayed for

For so many years…

Not this incomplete,

Contrived version of the same.

But the void feels so deep

In this moment of tearful solitude.

Patience was never my strength,

However, stubborn will is.

And I will save this heart

For love.


I have been praying so hard

For closure,

Or for all of your love.

I wasn’t getting either,

Until now.

Thank you.

Never is a very long time,

But it soothes the ache to hear it.

Now I can progress,

And love you in a way

I had not wished for.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

"Push Against Fate"

I don’t like

This detached person I see

In this funhouse mirror.

It’s all fake.

It’s not me.

And all you see

Is lies.

I am not this twisted.

I am not this gone.

Jaded a little maybe,

But hopeful.

I see you see me.

And know you do,

And know all you perceive

Is all I am.

It aches to be known,

And not be cherished,

Nor wanted.

This is me,

And whether or not

I am okay with this reality

Matters not.

It just feels good to be known

If not loved.

I wish I could be honest

And let my heart hang out,

And let myself be broken

Just like before.

Then maybe I could ache,

And hate,

And feel, then heal.

But somehow agony

Has twisted my ability

To allow risk,

And I am losing you

Because I can’t

Be vulnerable.

This once I have to tell you…

I wish we could have been

Many years ago

When all was pure

And we would have made it.

Now we push

Against fate

In defensive defiance,

And reject logic and love,

Replaced with walls of fear,

And mountains of regret.

I wish you knew

Just how deeply I wish.

I love you,

I deeply do.

I know you don’t believe.

I sometimes find my mind

Wandering to thoughts of hope…

Can we make it

In spite of it all?

I will try.

For obstacles are meant

To be overcome.

Walls are meant

To be climbed.

Perfect Love

Casts out fear.

I deeply yearn to stop running,
And fall into you.

Monday, March 27, 2006

"Regret"

Trial and error, moving lessons

Learn from these mistakes

Trials repeated, trust is lessened

Fate spits in my face


Many signs and many crossroads

Can’t quite find the path

Seeking solace, chaos’ conquest

Leaves this aftermath


Always wanting, not partaking

Of the passion vile

Love is poison, numb with envy

Just stay for a while


I despise this broken journey

As I walk alone

I’ll pridelessly succumb to tears

Stuff the stubborn down


Knowing if not for this burning

I’d not feel the flame

Ultimately my one yearning

My heart could be tamed


Damn the shackles and the scarring

Frightened by the beast

Run away and I won’t follow.

Let regret unleash.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

"I Need You To Love Me"

Of all the songs I hear on the radio lately (and I listen mostly to Air1), this one hits my heart the hardest. It is so me and how I feel and who I am. I sing it from my heart to God each time I hear it, and I feel like crying. He has been working HARD on my heart lately, trying to get through it's thick walls and convince me that His love for me is truely unconditional and forever. That is SO hard for me to grasp, because it is so contrary to what I understand of human love. But God is God.. Love is what He does best. And there is nothing I can do to earn it or refute it.... His Love is an absolute. More than ever, I am beginning to believe it.

~~~~~~~~~

BARLOW GIRL LYRICS


"I Need You To Love Me"

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

Thursday, March 23, 2006

"Look Not Back"

I feel an ache.

I feel a void.

I feel I missed the boat.

I feel let down.

I feel annoyed.

I feel I cut my throat.


I cannot blame.

I cannot lie.

It’s me who opened up.

I do not want.

I do not need.

I have no use for love.


I’ll get it back.

I’ll shut it down.

My heart is on the mend.

This emptiness;

This self-destruction

Is for you, my friend.


Don’t worry now.

Don’t run away.

I will do it for you.

I cannot cry.

I cannot pray.

My pleas just don’t get through.


So life goes on,

And we go on,

And look not back on this.

Just forge ahead,

Solid and cold.

Don’t stop to reminisce.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

"Walls"

The walls build much easier,

As days wander by,

To construct. So destructive

To my old way of life.

Where before I would suffer

Amidst heart’s agony,

I now find the burning

Such reduced misery.

I hope I’m not losing

The person I was;

The one who was capable

Of intense, always love.

But I like what I’ve gained:

This newfound ability

To shut down the ache

For a semblance of peace.

I’m not quite as tough

And I do yearn to be,

But I’m so far from broken.

No more soft and weak.

Maybe this new face

Is just a fa├žade.

I was never good at gambling,

But the wager is on.

Will it change me or bite me

Or swallow me whole?

Will my heart slowly harden

‘Til I can feel no more?

One day will you help me

To turn me back on?

But for now, come and let me

Surrender ‘til dawn.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Unready

Gosh, it feels so good to finally get it! I wonder why I am so thick sometimes. God answers prayers in ways we often do not expect. But the good thing is, I am open to those answers... and to His will.... whatever it may be! My quest for love has ended.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Unready"


I prayed for you

All those years,

And you never came.

I yearned for you;

Begged for you;

Even tried to create you

Out of another,

But love fades.

I always wondered…

Why?

And I questioned God

And His timing.

I always knew I was

Born to love you.

So why didn’t you come?
Sometimes it takes

A slap in the face,

Or someone else’s mistake

To make one see the light.

And now that my eyes are open,

I see.

God didn’t ignore me.

You didn’t let me down.

Sometimes what we want

Isn’t what we need.

Sometimes happy endings

Are not meant to be.

I feel a peace dawning.

I feel contentment

Descending over me.

And I think I can finally

Rest.

I am enlightened

And suddenly aware.

I am unready

For love.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

One Last Kiss

The song is just the same;
A melancholy tune.
The tempo does not change;
A reverie of you.
I remember moments,
Though they are far and few
You almost dropped the walls
And let your heart fall through.
But all I saw were glimpses,
And then you'd slam the door.
You've nearly convinced me
To fight for us no more.
You never run to me.
You don't have faith in love,
Or maybe it's just that
I am just not enough.
At least I now can say
I gave it all I had.
I did not run away.
Rejection hurts so bad.
I stayed to sing this song.
I stayed just long enough
To leave my heart exposed;
To let you feel my love.
But now the time has come,
And we will remain friends,
For I have lost the will.
This masochism ends.
And maybe from now on
The songs that I will write
Won't be of broken hearts
Or numb and lonely nights.
I'm going to move on;
To turn and walk from this.
But please, before I go...
Just give me one last kiss.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Love Fades

You asked me to let go.

You told me not to wait.

You said you’d leave a hole,

And cause my light to fade.

You make the choice for me,

As if I am not smart

Enough to see your scars;

Enough to know your heart.

I know the rocky road

And all of the pitfalls

Our hearts would have to trod

If you’d remove those walls.

But I cannot convince,

Nor should I even try.

Each time I see the gleam,

You tightly close your eyes,

And tell me I am not

Enough to make you burn.

And so I’ve chalked you up

To another lesson learned.

I want not to give up

And wait til’ you decide

That we could be complete,

But I have too much pride.

With every day that fades,

I’m learning not to dream.

With every word you say,

I hear you don’t love me.

But somehow deep inside,

A deeper loss is mourned.

I don’t know why, nor how,

But I feel destiny’s torn.

We’ve ripped two hearts in half

That could have been a whole,

We probably should have been.

We’re too far gone to know.

We can’t know what’s ahead,

But life is ours to mold.

We should build a future,

But the past is what we hold.

We cling to all the hurts

And fears that make us run.

We’re letting night fall over us,

And love fades with the sun.