Monday, April 29, 2013

The Doe, the Hunter and the Buck


“The Doe, the Hunter and the Buck” ~ A short, metaphorical, symbolic, true story.
By:  Monica Grossman



A young, doe-eyed deer skips lightly through the forest.  Carefree… excited about her destination… anticipating the wonderful things that the future surely holds.  The sunlight cascades through the bright green leaves above.  The trees stir and sway with the gentle spring wind and sing to her.  The breeze whispers past her ear, harmonizing with her as she hums a melodic, happy song.

All at once and with no warning, a shot is fired.  She feels a searing pain.  It feels as if her heart has exploded.  Light caves in around her.  Everything is white and black and silent and loud.  She stumbles and falls to the soft, mossy earth, and it grabs at her and holds her down and will not let her up.  Her muscles have failed.  Her heart and mind have failed.  She cannot get up, no matter how hard she tries.  She begins to try and understand what has just occurred.  “Why can’t I think?  Where am I?  Where was I going?  What has happened to me?  Am I going to be okay?”  She lies there for a very long and painful time.  She cannot move.  She does not understand.  She prays for someone to rescue her.  Nothing else happens.  Nothing else.  Silence.  Silence so loud, it muffles out the sound of her murky, muddled thoughts.  After a little while she realizes the hunter has gone.  He must have been hunting for sport alone.  But it does not make her feel any better knowing that she will not be someone’s meal today, for you see, she realizes her predicament.  Reality settles in:  “Oh no!  I’ve been shot!  Am I dying?!  Alone here in these woods?!!!  Help!!!!!!”  She lays there.  She bleeds.  She waits for rescue.

More time passes, though she cannot be sure just how much.  Hours and days all feel the same to her in the unyielding grip of what she fears most: dying alone.  “Wait?  What is that noise?”  She hears something, and the silence breaks its grasp.  “I hear footsteps!  Someone is coming!  Wait… Are they going to hurt me?  Maybe they are going to save me.  They are going to help me!  I just know it!”  Through blurred vision and hazy thoughts she sees a large buck with powerful antlers peering from behind a tree.  She can tell he is old.  “He must be wise.  He will know what to do.  He will have compassion.  He will help me.”  He is coming her way, walking slowly forward, as if unsure what he is seeing… trying to assess the scene before him.  “At last!  Help has come!  But I can’t move or speak… how will I be able to tell him about the ache I feel in my chest? Ohhhhhh, it hurts so much!  Oh, please hurry!  I really need help”, she thinks.  And then she looks up with her weary eyes, and tries to lift her face to see and voice to speak.  She summons all the courage, energy, her last resources, and the last of her breath to squeeze out a whispered plea for help. 

The buck stands over her, looking down at her, mind and eyesight keen.  He hears her panting… quietly pleading… begging for his help.  She is so fragile.  Weak.  Beautiful.  He knows this is his moment; his opportunity to be everything he has always wanted to be.  At last, the time has come for him to take charge; to be the big, strong buck that he knows deep down he is.  The other deer in his herd and throughout the forest and in his ever-so-painful past view him as weak.  They do not respect him.  They think he is a joke.  They laugh at him behind his back, but he is smart.  He knows.  They take him for granted.  They have never understood him.  He hates them.  But now, just before him is a defenseless doe who he and he alone can save.  “Wait,” he begins to realize, and thinks to himself, “At this crucial moment, I have the ability to affect her life.  I can change her forever.  I can alter her destiny.  What power I have!”  As he remembers the many other doe - the ones who snorted at him, ignored him, hurt him, left him - he is filled with a deep and brooding rage and it begins to well up and swell up within his puffy, masculine chest.  He knows that this truly is his one chance: His one opportunity to affect the life beneath him.  And to not just affect the life of this wounded, bleeding, pathetic doe; but his own life as well.  He could take it all back in one moment!  Everything that was stolen from him.  Everything ripped away.  What a powerful epiphany!  “I know what I must do”, he thinks. 

And so, in his moment of glory, he leans in close to her face.  He sees the blood pooling all around her body.  He hears her wheezing… pleading for help.  Desperately seeking salvation… protection.  He begins to speak to her in a strong and steady voice.  He has never been more sure of himself or anything else in his life than at this moment.  “Doe, I see that you have been shot.  You want me to rescue you…  but… I cannot.  You see, I need to rescue myself.  And right now, with you lying hear injured… unable to resist or refuse or fight or run - it is my perfect opportunity - my one chance.  Don’t you see?!  It is wonderful!  And so, Doe, you must die.  You will not die suddenly.  Although, I see that your wound is deep, it is not a mortal wound….. Yet…”  And he begins to kick her.  And kick her.  And kick her.  Kick the wound.  Over and over.  He kicks and stomps and snorts and snuffs and growls and screams with delight.  He will take her life.  Slowly and passionately.  Because, at last, he can.


Friday, April 26, 2013

"Unarmed" YouTube clip

It's only part of the song. Due to technical difficulties, the video cuts off midway through (technical difficulties being a 9 year old videographer... LOL), but here it is anyway.

God is good. He makes the wounded whole. ......Link to YouTube clip then lyrics below.

http://youtu.be/GJKhqvQDXk8

“Unarmed”

Just a moment more,
I haven’t had enough
Time to bask in it
And drink this sweet moment up.
I never knew
That real could feel this warm.
Nothing to run from
Or hide behind now. Unarmed.

You came and took
Away my need to be
Anything but
The treasure you made me to be.
Full of such purpose,
I cry for the times I got lost.
Resistance is worthless.
Your love will pursue at all cost.

And I feel whole, wounds and all.
I feel no alarm. Unarmed.

As humans, we’re funny.
Sometimes we fear the light.
And so we take cover.
When dawn starts to break, we fight.
I’m done with excuses.
Yesterday cannot hold me.
I’m resolute... ready,
Whatever tomorrow may bring.

You came to my darkness
Gave peace to my hopeless heart.
You hugged the hurt until
It was still.

I feel whole, wounds and all.
I feel no alarm. Unarmed.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Tears & Tenacity


I yearn for tears
To fall like raindrops,
But there are far too many…
The rain would be jealous.
So, I will not cry today.
Standing before
A mountain of bad things,
My mind is weary.
My body is weak.
My heart is heavier than
The mountain itself.
If only this were
One of those horribly realistic
Nightmares,
The kind that cause you
To awake in a cold sweat,
Heart pounding,
Afraid.
But from every dream,
There is awaking.
And every mountain
Is begging to be climbed
By someone brave.
Oh, but it looms above me!
Treacherous.
Taunting.
It’s slippery, jagged
And menacing terrain
Has me overwhelmed
With intimidation.
I must be honest.
I don’t want to climb.
I have no resources.
No companion.
No belay.
No rope.
I just want to cry.
I just want to sleep.
But I must do neither.
And so, I suppose
I shall write a poem about
Tears and tenacity,
And then I shall climb in the rain.

"More" - A new worship song for church


“More”
4/9/13
  
Vs 1:

We need forgiveness,
We need Your peace,
And Your amazing grace.
We need You, Jesus,
We need You now,
So come and fill this place.

Chorus:
More, more, we need more,
More of You in us.
More, more, so much more.
More of Your Great Love.

Vs 2:
We want revival.
We want Your will
To overshadow ours.
We want Your mercy.
We want Your truth
 To come and cleanse our hearts.

Chorus:
More, more, we need more,
More of You in us.
More, more, so much more...
More of Your Great Love.

Bridge:
Without You Lord,
We would be lost.
But in Your presence,
We are found.
Without You Lord,
We would be lost.
But in Your presence,
We are found.

Chorus:
More, more, we need more,
More of You in us.
More, more, so much more...
More of Your Great Love.

I wrote this song last week.  It is different from the ones I typically write, because it is a worship song, specifically for singing in church.  It's very simple, and easy.  I taught it to my dad and worship team on Saturday, and we performed it yesterday in church.  We need lots more practice on it, but everyone seemed to like it.  Here is a clip of the song.  Unfortunately, it is audio only.  I hesitate to post it, because it's nowhere near polished!  LOL... but here it is anyhow.  My dad is the one talking me up in it.  He's so sweet.  He's always my biggest fan.


http://www.tubechop.com/watch/1111534

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Unarmed


This is a song I wrote yesterday and am still working on.  The keyboard part is written, but I am not completely happy with it because I would really like to have some acoustic guitar as the key instrumental element to the song.

“Unarmed”
D minor/F ~ MG/4/8/13

Vs 1:
Just a moment more,
I haven’t had enough
Time to bask in it
And drink this sweet moment up.
I never knew
That real could feel this warm.
Nothing to run from
Or hide behind now.  Unarmed.

Instrumental Chorus...

Vs 2:
You came and took
Away my need to be
Anything but
The treasure you made me to be.
Full of such purpose,
I cry for the times I got lost.
Resistance is worthless.
Your love will pursue at all cost.

Chorus:
And I feel whole, wounds and all.
I feel no alarm.  Unarmed.

Vs 3:
As humans, we’re funny.
Sometimes we fear the light.
And so we take cover.
When dawn starts to break, we fight.
I’m done with excuses.
Yesterday cannot hold me.
I’m resolute... ready,
Whatever tomorrow may bring.

Bridge:
You came to my darkness
Gave peace to my hopeless heart.
You hugged the hurt until
It was still.

Chorus:
I feel whole, wounds and all.
I feel no alarm.  Unarmed.


Friday, April 05, 2013

Selfishness & Letters From the Sky

I am feeling a little selfish today.  I found out a few days ago that my Grandma is dying.  From what I hear, she only has maybe days to live, if that.  I am not ready for her to die.  I love her so, and haven't gotten to spend enough time with her.  She says she feels ready to go be with Jesus, and also to be reunited with her sons and her husbands in Heaven, but I don't want her to go yet.  I can't even think about it.  I want just a little more time with her.  I want to hug her again.  To look into the eyes of the woman who gave me my red hair color.  To thank her for being such a bold example of what it means to walk with God, causing a ripple effect within her family, reaching generations.  I don't want to miss my Grandma.

Grandma Max lives in Minnesota and I have lived on the western side since I was a baby.  I've not had the money throughout my life to be able to visit her very often, and have only gotten to see her maybe 6 or 7 times in my life.  Even with seeing her that little, I always have felt a special bond with her.  She is a sweet, fun, God-fearing woman who has been such a beautiful spiritual leader to our family.  She is the glue that holds so many of us together.  She means so very much to so many.  Losing her from this world is going to hurt.  I can only imagine how my dad must be feeling.  He is going to be devastated when she passes.  We have been praying for her healing, even though she has stated she wants to pass on.  How selfish of us.  If it is her time, it is her time, and God knows what and when is best.  I need to find a way to be at peace with this.  I just regret that I didn't get to see her enough.  It seems I'll have to wait for Heaven for that now.

In times like this when my heart hurts the most, I wish sometimes that I had a companion/partner/best-friend/husband.  Things are easier to bear when you have someone who truly cares, and who will hold you in your pain.  If you are reading this and you have a spouse, never ever take them for granted.  You are blessed to have someone in the flesh you know you can always turn to when life gets tumultuous.

I know I wasn't designed to be alone, and yet here I am.  Alone.  I haven't even dated anyone in almost 2 years.  I know a lot of my solitude is by choice, because I feel it is better to be single, than to have a bad relationship.  And as a mother, I would much rather have my children have no father figure than to have a bad one.  But that does not change that feeling of void in my life.  Especially in times like this.

I don't know that I believe in soul mates.  I used to when I was younger, but as I have gotten older, I've come to decide that relationships are a choice.  Who you decide to be with is a choice.  Commitment is a choice.  Some of my friends and family have told me in the past that the reason I don't believe in soul mates is because I haven't met mine yet.  Maybe that's true, but I wouldn't know.  Maybe choices in the past have brought me to a place where I am no longer meant for love.  But I wouldn't know.  I do dream, sometimes, about having a strong, mutual love relationship in my life... one that exists and grows beyond the confines of time and flesh and life as we know it.  But I have been accused of dreaming too much.  So, I usually shut those dreams down and try to keep my feet on the ground, disallowing myself from longing for that type of love.  For all I know, it may not exist.

My Grandma does inspire me, though.  I do find a small sense of comfort in the hope that she gives me.  She is such a love.  She lives to love others.  ...After my Grandpa died, she felt so alone.  But God gave her someone to love and to love her.  She was on a train to come visit us in California a few years after my Grandpa's passing, and she met a really nice man on that train ride who had also lost his spouse to death.  She was in her 70's at the time, I believe.  She was so happy, and married him soon after.  Then, after her second husband died a few years back, God brought another man into her life.  He showed up unexpectedly at her door with flowers or candy or something romantic, and told her he had had a crush on her since grade school, had found out she was single, and wanted to court her.  She was in her 80's at that point.  They were married shortly after.  Romance just seeks that woman out!  It's a beautiful thing.  Now she is 85 and is weak and tired and ready to go home.  She has felt much loss and misses her loved ones that have passed.  She says she is ready to go, and feels it is her time.  I will pray for God's will in this.  I will pray that she does not suffer, and that she is filled with a deep peace, knowing where she is going once she leaves us.  I'm sure God wants to have her Home even more than I wish to keep her here.

There is a song that I love called "Letters From the Sky" by Civil Twilight.  The lyrics just get me every time I listen to it, which is often.  In my interpretation of the song, I hear reference to Jesus return to the earth and His coming back for His chosen, reference to other things like fear and death, but also to romantic love... the kind of love I have only dreamed about.  As I sit here next to tears thinking about my Grandma's coming passing, I yearn for that companionship.  That shoulder.  Those arms.  That love.  I am feeling very selfish today.  Tomorrow I will find a way to be content in the moment, but today... my heart hurts.

~

Here is the link to the song "Letters From the Sky", in case you want to take a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wa7dFR09vU&feature=share&list=PLQoLRkjLxVJXmtT0Fxuzd6rXDxlo9KVVT