Wednesday, September 30, 2009

"Fairytales Can End in Blue"

D minor

Rider on a white horse at dusk
Charge through smoke and fire he must
Nothing now could stop this,
He’d ride through Hell for one kiss.
Open arms await love to entrust.

Suddenly, awakened by the cold,
She reaches out in darkness; she’s alone.
Why’d she have to dream again?
And why can’t dreams happily end,
In life, love deeper than one heart can hold?

Fairytales can end in blue,
No matter how you wish them to,
So she will go to sleep alone,
With only dreams to keep her warm.

“I am King of Rocks, and none shall climb.”
“I am Queen of Hearts, you’ve broken mine.”
But maybe if she gives fate one more try,
She could ignore the way he makes her cry.

Soft, her heart it bleeds just to be loved.
Hard, his heart is to her needs and wants.
Time has taken its’ toll.
Hearts growing hard and bitter cold.
This was not what either had dreamed of.

Fairytales can end in blue,
No matter how you wish them to,
So she will go to sleep alone,
With only dreams to keep her warm.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Artichoke & the Angel

The craziest thing happened! Or maybe NOT so crazy...

I woke to my alarm clock music this morning. After hitting snooze a few times, I climbed, reluctantly, out bed. Monday. Time to get my kids ready for school. As I started decending the stairs to the living room/kitchen, I realized something just wasn't right. I smelled smoke. Not just a little smoke, but a very strong burning stench. I ran into the kitchen and looked around. Everything seemed fine. I checked the gas burners on the stove. Knobs were all in "off" position. I checked the coffee pot. "Off". Hmmmm... I couldn't figure out what that burning stench was. Just then, I remembered I'd gotten the munchies late last night. The artichoke!!!

Since I am trying to eat healthier, I'd opted against chips & dip, and threw into a big pot of water, an artichoke. They take forever to cook, and I'm really not a patient person (especially when it comes to food), so I turned the gas stove on "high". I then sat down to do a little reading. I started getting really sleepy, so after a while, without even one thought of the cooking artichoke, I climbed the stairs and crawled into my comfy bed, where I remained until this morning, when my alarm clock awoke me.

Every night before bed, I say prayers with my children. Last night was no different. In that prayer, I always ask God to put His Angels around all of us as we sleep, to protect and keep us safe. Well, prayer works, and Angels exist, because SOMEbody shut off that burner last night, and it wasn't me or the kids. It couldn't have been a neighbor, because my doors were locked. The stove doesn't have an auto shut-off feature. And in order to even turn the knobs, you have to push in, then turn.

Crazy, I know. Or is it? I, admittedly, hesitated posting this. But then I thought, "Why?!". I was a little afraid no one would believe me. It took me a while this morning to fully grasp the implications of what happened. The truth is, Faith has become weak within this worldy existence. So when something miraculous actually occurs, the first inclination is to find a way to rationally explain it away. Wouldn't that need to find reason over belief actually be an attempt to disprove God's active, tangible involvement in our every day life? And why would we want to do that?! Yes, our lack of faith may be subconscious and unintentional, but we really need to look at why we have allowed ourselves to become such doubting Thomas's.

God IS the reason you were delayed in traffic and barely missed being involved in that car wreck just up the road. God IS the reason you woke up in the night with a friend heavy on your heart, so you stayed awake praying for them, only to find out the next day that they'd almost died. Your prayer saves lives. And miracles really do happen. I have a Guardian Angel and a very charred artichoke to prove it.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

just me...


Meadow. Quiet, still,
Floral fragrance filled.
Warm with zephyr's song.
Bluebirds sing along.

A place beyond Hope Lake,
And miles past Mount Fate.
This blissful valley found
Has turned me upside down.

Now spinning, twirling, free.
No shoes upon my feet.
Fresh air and hopes and dreams.
Renewed by gleaming peace.

I fall into soft grass.
A butterfly floats past.
I close my eyes and breathe.
I've found Serenity.

It seems familiar now.
I've travelled here somehow
In distant visions past.
Has Heaven come to pass?

No, I am still alive.
I've crossed not from this side.
This place awakens me
To possibilities...

Of love with not one tear,
Affection without fear,
Devotion full and true;
This peaceful place is you.

Such beauty all around.
I barely feel the ground.
I'll rest here lifetime's long,
Humming our meadow song.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

"Twelve Moons"

Seeking out, oh, the things that numb.
Reasoning, "I've reason to succumb."
Never did I fathom I'd be here.
Feeling not's the greatest of my fears.

Comfort comes in willing myself blind.
Sweet clarity exposes that bold lie.
Never did I expect all my loss
Would sail twelve moons away with but a toss.

"Then", I wanted just to grasp the "Why".
Forsaking all the ache, I let that die.
All I saw through broken glass was fear.
Shards of Love fell down and led me here.

Sheltering my weak and weary heart.
Sickened by the pity that thought sparked.
I have so much more down here to do,
Than whirlwind in those selfish, poor-me blues.

Feeble ones say they've just had enough.
Warrior children take the hits, yet love.
New eyes see beyond the present night,
A willing soldier born to face the fight.

Acceptance seeps through my calloused, soft veins.
I am meant to give, thus, I'll remain.
I will not deny my calling now.
Love is why I'm here. This is my vow.


It's very easy to be anonomous, ambigous and safe. It's very difficult to face faults and become vulnerable in regards to the areas in one's life in which they need change or growth or acceptance or just the re-realization of what they already know. It's so painful to be raw and open sometimes. And yet, I know beyond knowing that my calling is to give and love freely, and allow people in all circumstances and levels of learning to see God glorified through me. Can He truly be glorified through an imperfect human such as myself? Yes, I know He can. He's laid it upon my heart. I may be imperfect, but I am His child. That makes me yearn to not only strive for perfection, but reach out to my brothers and sisters and love them through this journey we call life.

Monday, September 21, 2009

"White Flag"

I never loved like that.
Never before.
Never after.
I never felt deeper.
Never swam in such depths of emotion.
I’ve lived a semi-life
Since letting you go.
Loving you felt like home.
Every emotion since has lacked passion.
A part of me died
With our love.

I prayed the other night.
I prayed for you.
Unexpectedly, I began to cry.
I haven’t cried over you in quite a while.
The feeling surprised me.
You are still in my heart.
You always will be.
You were true love.
I can never love like that again.

How does a person disown and deny
Love of that proportion?
We both said hurtful words.
We both had much room for growth.
Is it possible that we’ve matured?
Is it possible that we can come back,
Be together once again,
Healthier and more whole than before?
Is it possible that we don’t really have to let go?
Is it possible that we truly never did?

Maybe the fork in the road
Which led us apart
Has been good for us.
Maybe we both needed the humbling,
The chance to be stripped down to our naked soul,
And as individuals,
Be reformed.
Yes, the solitude has led to growth.
And all of this bumping around in the dark
Has caused me to fully comprehend
How much I love and miss

I’ve fumbled desperately at denial,
Attempting to shelter my heart.
I will not be wounded again.
I will not.
I've shut you out.
I've plugged my ears,
Willing myself to disbelieve
When you say,
“I’m sorry.
Let me show you…”

I’ve held fast to my stubborn pride.
I’ve constructed barriers so great,
Even I could not see past them.
I’d nearly convinced myself
I could go on without you.
But here is the tender truth;
Walls down,
White flag waving:
I love you.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A peaceful morning...

My morning has been so peaceful and happy. Woke up in a good mood, so did the kids. Everyone was very cooperative in getting ready for school. Made some yummy coffee w/ cherry flavor. Made lunches. Dropped kids off at school. Kissed them goodbye. Came home and poured another cup, then sat down in my favorite cushy chair with my Bible and devotional book. Had a wonderful time of prayer with the Lord, and read today's devotional and it really hit home:

"You will not find my peace by engaging in excessive planning: attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. This is a commonly practiced form of unbelief. When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you. Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion. ...I [God] did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes, your fears. Commit everything into my care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."

Wow! I needed that!!!!!

One of the scriptures the devotional referenced was I Peter 5:6-7. Verse 7 just so happens to be my favorite verse since high school. It always brings me comfort when I need it most. So simple... just trust God with all your worries. He will take care of it!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the reminder that you are in control, and You love me enough to take all of my worries upon Yourself. I don't have to figure out the future. I don't have to stress about it (like I was last night, I'm sorry, Lord), because You've got it covered! Thank you for this simple reminder, God, and the peace you are flooding my soul with this morning.

Sorry, I always seem to pray in the middle of my posts. Anyway, if you're reading this, please know I wrote it to inspire and remind you to give your worries to Jesus. He cares for you, and He has a beautiful plan for your future! Just wait, in peace.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"Mom Enough"

Last night, my heart broke with his welling tears.
My tears spilled too, but I wiped them away quickly.
I swallowed hard.
"I have to be strong for him!
He was happy a minute ago?
Where did it come from?"
I was just about to kiss him goodnight.
I wish I knew everything that went on
In the beautiful little boy's mind.

He suddenly looked so lost and lonely.
He looked at me with big,
Pleading 6-year-old eyes, and asked,
"When will I ever get to meet my dad?"

I felt like a car fell on my chest.
I cried with him for a moment,
Feeling his ache.
I wanted that for him too.
It's not fair!!!

In a split second,
I felt so many things at once!
Anger.... anger at his father
For not caring enough to be one.
Sadness... sadness that my precious son
Has never known what it is like to have a "dad".
Empathy... empathy because I, too, have felt
Rejected and deeply alone.
Love.... most prevelantly, love.
I adore this little boy,
And I will make SURE he knows it.

I may be able to relate to his breaking heart,
But I can't relate to never having a father.
God blessed me with the best father in the world.
But my precious, sweet, smart, special son...
So gifted... so unique...
So very, very, very special...
Has never even met his.

I've begged his father to just meet him.
I understand that he doesn't want to be his "dad"
(For reasons he somehow seems to justify to himself),
But couldn't he at least give my son the satisfaction
Of knowing he had a father?
Couldn't he at least meet him?
Hug him even one time?
Ugh... my heart is breaking.
I can't type.
I can't see past these tears.
Why, God?!!!

[Holy Father, he needs you so desperatley.
Please, help my son.
Please, reach into his soul and give him peace.
Please, help me to be enough.
Please, help him to feel loveed, healthy and whole.
And please, God, change his father's heart.
Soften him, and help him to understand how very much
His little boy needs his father.]

I looked him right in those big,
Precious, brown eyes and said,
"I don't know. I do hope he comes around one day.
But you know what? You are blessed!
Because you have 2 extra special grandpas!
And you have a mom that loves you with all her heart,
So, so, so, so much!"

Just then he sat up in bed, and grabbed for me,
Almost lunged.
He wrapped his arms around my neck.
I wrapped my arms around him too,
And rocked him.
"I love you, Mom..." he mumbled,
His face buried in my neck.
"I love you too, Nate. SO much.", I replied.
He breathed in deeply, then laid back down.
I checked his eyes for tears,
But they were gone.
"I think he's okay now..."
I thought, without conviction.
How could I be sure.
Would he ever really be okay?

Every little boy needs a father.
I hate that I am not enough to fill my baby's void.
I can't be. I wasn't designed that way.
This is not how life is supposed to be.
I only pray I can be strong enough
And mom enough
For Nate.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Better off being single....

A little melancholy today... I have a real hard time with dishonesty. People say it's not a lie if it's just withholding the truth, but I say it's still blatant dishonesty, which makes me trust even less. *sigh*

I hate getting my hopes up, only to have the wind knocked out of my sail repeatedly. Isn't there any one left in this world who is real...unselfish...honest? Is it too much to ask for in a mate? I bear those qualities, and would love to find a "soul-mate" to share them with. I'm just beginning to have my doubts that he's out there.

I want someone who is very affectionate, compassionate, strong, wise, gentle, protective, kind, honest, humorous, communicative, ambitious, grounded, responsible, giving, spontaneous, noble, confident and passionate. Combine all that with loving the Lord, loving children (namely mine), and having amazing chemistry with me. Is all that too much to ask? LOL.... maybe so. In addition, I want to be very comfortable with him, laugh with him, cuddle with him, and be his best-friend. Some say this kind of fairy tale does not exist. Sometimes I believe them. More and more each time I see my hope seep out like air from a pinhole in a balloon. Not sure how much more I've got left, to be quite honest.

And yet, I can't shake this notion that he's out there... somewhere. My ideal man. And by "ideal", I do not mean "perfect". My ideal man is NOT perfect. I don't want that. I want to love his "flaws", so to speak, and know that he is perfect for me.

To my NEXT point: I am not perfect. Oh my GOODNESS, am I miles from that! I have so much growing to do... but I am blue enough right now, and don't feel like sitting here typing out my laundry list of "things Monica really should change about herself". I am going to focus on the positives, thus getting to the point of this rant.

I know my strengths. I am old enough and have been through enough (relationship-wise, and just plain life orientated) to know what I want. I know what will and will not work for me, and I don't waste time once those things have become clear. Life is too short to settle, so I won't. But how many freakin' frogs am I going to have to kiss before I find my prince???!!!

I am so sick of it all! I just wanna believe myself when I say, "I am better off just being single".