Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I have had the fog removed from my eyes. It was not a gradual fade; it completely vanished instantaneously. I have been living lately underneath a dark cloud of depression. I have felt defeated, and have entertained thoughts of giving up. I saw no hope, and no way out. I feared that I was being overcome completely by sorrow & failure. But the fog has lifted, and I can now see things more clearly.

I've been going through some very hard times. My life has not been easy, and it's recently come to a screeching halt. I've been praying to God for answers and guidance, and have been doing a lot of soul searching. As I was folding laundry this morning, I popped in the movie "Courageous", which my sons urged me to rent (they saw it this past weekend while at a church camp out with my dad). This movie was like a light switch. It completely illuminated my mind and heart, and I began to realize & own some very important things...
1) There is nothing I can do to change the mistakes and/or unwise choices I have made in my past.
2) Giving into a defeatist attitude & wallowing in feelings of failure will in no way help me to make better choices for my future, and the future of my children.
3) There is no better time than the present to make a change, and to begin living with honor and courage, and to make a commitment to being the best mother and human being I can be... even if that means making some tough decisions.
4) I can't do anything about the choices other people have made that have negatively affected my kid's lives & my own. My children have not had courageous fathers. But from now on, they will be able to say they have a courageous mother. I will commit to them and to God (and to myself) that I will continue to remain single until the Lord brings into our lives a courageous man - a man of honor - a man who possesses the values and integrity I want my children to be exposed to. And God will need to reveal all of that to me.
5) God WILL provide blessing and favor upon my children and myself. Our home will be blessed because I choose and will continue to choose to place Him first. I will courageously let go of false securities and crutches I have held onto for too long just to get by. It's time to understand the true meaning of Faith, and live it, walking blindly into the unknown following only Jesus.

After the movie, I drove to the gas station around the corner to put gas in my empty gas tank so that I will be able to pick up my kids from school today. I had only $5 left, and that bought me just over one gallon of gas. I have no money, no job, am receiving no child support; and this weekend, my kids and I are left with no option but to move up North to live in the apartment my parents own beneath their house. I've struggled for years to provide financially for my three amazing kids, but am finally being forced to humble myself and admit that we're just not making it. I am exhausted in every single way, and I am weak. I've had to admit that I really need the help of my family right now, which has been SO hard to do as an independent woman, and one with a little too much pride. I need God to show me what's next - where to go from here.

In this time of new beginnings, I know I am blessed. I have a supportive family, and three incredible human beings I have the honor to call my children. Right now is the perfect opportunity to hit "reset" on my life. It is the perfect time to embrace hope, commit to faith and accept God's peace, which truly does surpass my own human understanding. I will be courageous and seek wisdom. I will be a strong, nurturing and loving Mother, and raise my children in a godly home. That is the greatest opportunity I could ever hope for. God, give me the strength to do it well.

If you haven't seen the movie Courageous, I implore you (whether you are a parent, married, single, young, old)... watch it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A Heart of Love

My daughter has such a heart for people. In the midst of moving, the last few weeks of school, homework, peer issues, and trying to make sense of life, she has such a sweet and genuine heart of love. She's facing some tough choices and adversities at this point in her life. But instead of putting all her focus on herself, which would be typical at her age (twelve), she's incredibly in tune to others.

She called me into her room to open up to me a bit tonight before bed. She's concerned about a friend she knows. Her room is in disarray (not normal for her) because we're in the middle of a move. But as she sits on her bed in tears amongst the chaos, she tells me about how God has laid this friend on her heart. She listened to a couple of Christian songs by Skillet, and felt the need to reach out to someone who is hurting. It moved me to tears right along with her. She was even so bold in the Spirit, just before she called me in to talk about it, that she called her friend and bore her heart on the matter. We talked about it, then prayed together about it. I can't help but be thankful to God for giving her a heart after His own. She loves, and gives & feels so deeply for others. I can very much relate to this. It's can be a burden sometimes, but is ultimately such a blessing. Giving your time, energy, love, support and most importantly prayer to others makes life so full of purpose. I'm proud of my daughter. I'm thankful that at her young age, she "gets it".

Life's purpose is love. Seeds planted do grow. Thank you, Lord, for what you are doing in my daughter's life, and in others lives she touches.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Autumn Came in May

When Autumn shed its leaves again,
I thought the ache would finally end,
And memories would fade into mulch.
Then winter came with biting cold,
I'd hoped these thoughts would melt like snow,
But icy winds reminded me of your touch.

Then springtime came around & I
Saw my hopes like flowers rise...
I couldn't see the garden for the dirt.
And as the birds chirped freedoms song,
I fell back into the arms of one
Who wouldn't let me get past the hurt.

Familiar heartache plays
A song I've sung for days...
This year Autumn comes in May.

I am determined mindfully
To set my loathsome sorrow free,
And ready myself for sweet release.
Maybe this year by summertime,
I'll willingly let the sun shine,
And forget all that caused my heart to freeze.

These clouds will blow away.
Hope will outshine the rain,
But this year Autumn comes in May.

In May, the magic tulips bloom,
And butterflies soar past the gloom.
I have no time for muted shades of gray.
It's color that my darkness seeks,
And love to rise, not fall like leaves.
I'm longing for a bright, sunny day.
Yes, this year Autumn came in May,
...But this year isn't over.