"Wash Away"

I hope you’re happy now.
I hope you learned how.
I hope the choices you’ve made
Have made you feel.

I hope that smile is real.
I worry you’ll never heal.
Cycles of running never bring you home.
Stop….. Feel.

~Chorus~
Just the way… you made me.
And you can’t understand how it could be
That I could… that I would let you go.
You need to know I hurt too.
I pray you’ll find you.


~Interlude~


Time heals a lot, they say.
I guess in time, we’ll see.
You’ve got your shelter, and I’ve got my rain.
Wonder which one will wash away…

For Breauna and Caleb...

I miss you both immensely,
From the bottom of my soul
It hurts my heart intensely
That my family is unwhole
And all the things you go through
In your “other life”, I know,
Have taken smiles away from you
And taken a heavy toll
Upon you, precious angels.
I wish I could shelter you
From those attempts to strangle
All the beauty that’s in you.
But please know I am praying
With all the might in me,
And please know I am fighting
To at last see you set free.
I call upon you angels
Who will guard, protect and love.
And in the name of Jesus,
You’ll have all that you dream of.
For all you truly want, my dears
Is what God wants for you…
A loving home, stability;
A life that’s fresh and new.
You are my little babies,
And you know you’ll always be.
Please know how much I love you
Even when you’re not with me
Caleb and Breauna,
This mom’s heart is broken now
To see the pain you go through,
So this is my solemn vow...
I will forfeit, fight and sacrifice,
And give all that I have
To give you lives of peace,
For I ache to see you sad.

Romance: Reminiscence of Recklessness

So many pursuits in life
That time’s swift to evade.
Looking back on all the love’s
Grown cold and gone away,
I recall how passionate
I was to win that race.
At finish lines, I always cried
For time that I did waste.
Reflections on emotions felt;
How opposite I feel
To all that need, to all that want.
Now, all of that’s unreal.
The only love I desperately
Want now to pursue
Is You, my God, for I can see
No love compares to You.
Perpetually, love lets me down
I’m accustomed to pain.
It bothers me not anymore.
I’ll never love in vain.
You’re all I want and all I need.
And I will let it die:
The part of me that did believe,
Compromise, and deny.
Romance is for fools who think
That fairytales exist.
I have all the love I need.
I have not one more wish.

Unhealed

“Unhealed”
MG for JB
09/21/2007

I called, but you were too busy
You did not make time for me
Your life is too all-consuming
To stop and feel that I needed you
I sat for hours and thought so deep
As you were unaware, asleep
I realized the time had come
To let go of rejection and run

Into me……
Call me selfish
But I see…
I am not loveless
For someone cares
Somewhere out there
Tomorrow you’ll awake alone
Cuz’ I’m gone.

I cared so much for years, I know
It’s not that I don’t care, you know
It’s just that I have learned how it feels
To be unwanted, unneeded, unhealed.

But I…….
Am learning self love,
And finally….
A sense of control
This is me…..
Raw and real
Tomorrow you’ll awake and feel….
Alone…. Unhealed.

Reconstruct My Soul

I have no one to lean on
No one
To call my own
I have nobody waiting
No one
When I get home

And this emptiness of which I sing
Was written down in ink, by me.

I wake up in the morning
Reluctantly
And strive to find the will
To find a smile
I go about my busy life
Alone
Missing being missed
All the while

And the blessings pass me by,
Cuz’ I cannot see with tears in my eyes.

Can you heal this broken heart?
Can you make me feel more whole?
Can you save me from myself?
Can you reconstruct my soul?

When yesterday is all one has
Today,
It is easy to wish today
Away.
I want nothing more than to restore
My dreams
And embrace today because I know
Where it leads.
I want to believe…

But if tomorrow never comes,
Will I wake up old and numb, unloved?

Will you change my point of view?
Will you cause this pain to go?
Will you fill me up with You?
Will you reconstruct my soul?

I know this life is often
Unfair.
I know that no one really
Cares.
But deep within the confines I
Have built
I have only my selfishness
And guilt

I am feeling not so strong
But you’ve been there all along?
Haven’t you?

Jesus, you are strong enough
So I’m giving you control
I will find my peace in this
You will reconstruct my soul.

"Why" ...a poem about writer's block...

Once, poems tumbled from my lips with passion,

A blessed, endless waterfall of emotion.

I feel so much,

Yet say so little.

Why?

Tears for years were never shed.

I was afraid the well had dried.

I miss the dry spell.

I loathe this deep well.

Why?

I want to sing a melodious song

I feel it on the tips of my heart and tongue

But the words escape me,

And the melody haunts me.

Why?

The answers to life’s blackest enigmas

Were once within my confident touch;

Now I awaken from enigmatic dreams

Wishing to write and yearning to sing,

But all I can do is ask one thing…

Why?

Learning to be loved...

I am reading a book that is changing my life. I am learning, through this book and through some life lessons (which are actually a blessing in disguise) that God truely IS the Lover of my soul! He is not just a cliche religious metaphoric soothing thought or belief... He is showing Himself to me in some real and really needed ways, and teaching me to finally (And this is a first for me) accept the fact that He actually adores ME. Me!!! A super screwed up chic, by my definition, but somehow a beautiful flower in His eyes.

I am afraid for the future, and unsure of where it is going or how I will handle the hardships I am now facing.... BUT.... I have this hope that seems to be oozing from my pores... from my very soul... and it's His love! It's enough to cover a year full of stress and unknowns and hurt and anger.... it's enough to cover AND heal a lifetime of all of that.... SO... I am choosing to surrender to it. In doing so, my deepest hope is that I can love Him back just as hard as I can and bring His beautiful heart joy too... and maybe bless another soul or two along the way.

~~~~~~~~

"You Love Me"

~

You are my rock and my fortress

My stronghold

You are my strength when

My strength does fold

I’m in the valley, feeling weak

You’re holding me and whispering

You love me

~

It’s hard to feel that I deserve

A million chances Lord

But I am not rejecting this

I’ll take You at Your word….

You love me.

You love me.

~

Trials and arrows and that come

Don’t last

How many times have You defeated

My past

This is just one of those tests

Will I

Surrender to defeat or

Finally Try

To let you love me.

~

You rescue in me many ways

It’s hard to accept a love like this

Learning to lean is humbling, God,

But freedom to be loved is bliss.

You love me.

You love me.

Jesus, Help Me

Jesus help me to get over

All the happy memories

God help me not to remember

Please just help me get some sleep

All I want is to forget it

So that I can just move on

Jesus wipe away the past

Wipe these tears and make me strong

Jesus help me to erase it

All the love I’ve stored inside

Jesus help me just to face it

I may be alone for a while

Won’t you take away this longing

I’ve learned white knights don’t exist

Someday one may change my mind,

But for now, all I want is…

To forget…..

To forgive….

To let go…..

To live.

Alive in the Moment

I know I’m alive

I’ve seen the other side

I’ve walked down both roads

I know which way to go

Change happens before I can say stop

But hope always rises to the top

Of me

I have felt deeply

I have felt nothing

I know what I like best

Laying it all to rest

I’ve never met a soul who would

Change yesterday knowing that it could

Change me.

Purpose feels just like a dream

Please send some to me

I’ve made up my mind.

I’ll look not ahead nor behind.

Love always. Never lose your heart.

Love laid claim from the very start

Of me.

"Changes"

Funny how nothing really changes.

Chance is a precarious risk

Time does not wait for slow heart beats.

Warm lips can’t wait for a kiss.

Night is a cooling reminder

Of sunrise’s fade long ago.

To me it comes as a surprise,

But he knew it seasons ago.

I wish I like he had the gift of

Knowing ahead when to give,

But I can thank him for the learning,

And in this care-free life I’ll live.

Sometimes, yes, I miss the feeling

Of feeling that way so deeply.

Funny how everything changes.

Sunset has wrought change in me.

"Treasure Hunts"

Searching bled me, false hopes led me

On treasure hunts that proved futile

I looked inside, I looked outside

Searching for my long lost smile

Drowning sorrows in a bottle

Shopping til I could not walk

Desperately searching for love to ease the pain

Covering the loss with empty talk

White Knights, streetlights, laughing with friends

Ways to stuff the ache down deep

Late nights, bedsides, seeking, aimless

Breaking vows I swore to keep

Drowning sorrows with a lover

Wondering why life cycles so

Nothing empty ever filled me up

All these nothings have left me low.

Tonight pride died I just realized

What I want is much, much more

I am bended, bowed and broken

Ready to accept what is in store

Drops of anything but Your love

Cannot numb a hollow heart

And I will not close my eyes, Lord,

I’m afraid to miss the start

…of sunrise

Faded Reveries

I cannot keep it together

I cannot keep the blues away

All of my life is in pieces

I loathe the mess that I have made

Spingtime used to be so happy

Sunshine used to make me sing

Looking through windows broken

Reminds of me of how I break everything.

I cannot blame a soul, me only

Has caused the chaos in my world

Nothing ever does complete me

God, how I miss my boy and girl.

Knights on white horses are distant

Fairytales of childlike fantasies

All I have left here are fragments

Pieces of faded reveries.

Come now, I’m begging you to take it

Every last shard, I lay it down

And all my pride I’ll toss away now

I know You can turn this around

Doubt always creeps in like rain storm

I never notice I’m cold til too late

I cannot fix it on my own, Lord,

Please won’t you take this storm away

Bring to me sunny, happy days, God

All that I have left is this prayer

I am so uncertain of tomorrow

Faith whispers, “You will be together there.”

"Confessions of a Friend"

I don’t tell you everything;

I tell you just enough

To stimulate your sleeping rage,

And get you all fed up.

I never mean to do this,

But it’s hard to reach out.

I guess it’s just much easier

To blame, vent and lash out.

I should not have spoken

While I was feeling hurt.

I should have let the tears fall.

It would have taken work.

But apathy and numbness

Seem to be all I seek,

And all the hope I festered

Seems to now have left me.

I know I was too open

Many moons ago,

And these days I’m too broken

To let my feelings show.

So please, know as you go forth

And live the life you do

You may have left me long ago,

But I am leaving too.

I am not speaking hate words.

There is no anger here.

I’m simply in agreement

With what you said last year.

The way you never felt me,

Or let me in or cared…

The way you chose easy roads

Because you were so scared…

It all makes sense to me now.

I finally agree.

We are very different.

You’re not The One for me.

But still, my dear, I love you;

It has evolved and changed.

I took the ache out on you,

But now it’s gone away.

I do not need a thing that

I don’t already have.

You do what makes you happy,

And for that I am glad.

I pray your life is so blessed

That you can’t help but pray.

I hope we can remain friends,

If not right now, someday.

Epiphany of a Martyr

I never understood how you could

Bid farewell to all that is good,

And look life in the face and turn.

With effort and grave determination,

You’ll abandon any situation

That bears the risk your heart will burn.

It seems so masochistic to me

To chose solitude over peace;

Losing love you were clearly meant to win,

But hear my epiphany… I know

All along you’ve been scared to expose

Your heart, so it can never break again.

~

You made a vow you can’t keep now,

And it kills your soul.

I relate in many ways.

I, too, am unwhole.

~

I remember a few years back

Trying to make up for what he lacked.

In the end, I wound up farther behind.

It either is love or it is not.

You can try and give it all you’ve got,

But true love is truly rare to find.

You felt it once long before me.

So long ago, it resembles a dream,

And now no longer is she dreamt of.

I felt sure that due to what I’d learned,

I could finally be the one to turn

Your heart and your head back to love.

~

Walls in place serve their purpose.

You feel safe that way.

Uninvited martyrs

Cannot unlock your gate.

~

So we move forth with courage, my friend.

No one knows beyond doubt where it ends;

The road has a will of it’s own, it seems.

Endeavoring not to draw within me;

At any cost, I must love freely.

But, I fear you hear my silent screams.

I still don’t comprehend it all,

How we can neither stand, nor fall.

But I am thankful for every lesson.

And with resolve I will bear a smile,

Reminiscent thoughts all the while,

And know there’s no need to keep guessing.

~

Did I lose me to apathy?

Do I even care?

All I know is I can’t go,

For you are everywhere.

Predestined Pavement

Traveling down different roads.

Where they’ll end, we do not know.

Travelers veer from the coarse,

Getting lost, reel from remorse.

Passers by don’t understand.

Even I can’t see His hand.

Forging on, driven by time,

Feigning strong, wish to rewind.

Faith, it grows, I’ve nothing else.

These dark paths, I know them well.

In the end, day always dawns.

Only then, I’ll find my way home.

Destiny, it must be a myth.

Vivid dreams did not end like this.

But lingering to what’s behind

Hinders from what I might find.

Push ahead out on your own.

Don’t look back, don’t stop, just go.

If these roads mean to unite,

No need to know. No need to fight.

Paved long before journeys begun;

Don't look ahead. Keep moving on.

"No Climbing This"

Okay, I’ll say it…

I have nothing to lose.

I’ll finally face it…

I’m still in love with you.

Today the sky was

Very far from blue,

But all the rain does not

Wash my heart of you.

I remember

Sunny, summer days.

I gazed upon you,

And watched you look away.

I never listened

To what you had to say.

I only hear what

I want to anyway.

You were more than

Anything I’d dreamed.

With all your walls you

Still broke right into me.

And I can’t face the

Fact that there’s no hope.

I think I’d climb up,

If you’d just throw a rope.

Now day is dawning,

And I can see your face.

You lack desire;

It left without a trace.

And so, from down here,

I look up at your cliffs,

And realize that

There is no climbing this.

Don’t you worry…

You’ll never be alone.

And in my heart you

Will always have a home.

I hope that someday

You’ll wake up to a smile,

But just remember

I’ve loved you all the while.

It’s not deleted

Cuz’ I don’t feel it back.

I will not force it,

Nor make up for what you lack.

I’ll just remember

Everything I’ve learned.

You gave me so much,

But for much more I yearned.

Please remember me…

Do not take this as a plea…

When you find the time to feel…

Please just know my love was real.

"In God's Hands"

Time heals all wounds

Or so it's been told

It’s not been too long

Since our love grew cold

And I realized

That you could not give

And it dawned on me

That I want to live

And love without walls

So freely and true

In short, so must different

Than it was with you

All of my dreams

Will come true in time

While you are stuck in

Your lonely resign

You may go have fun

But it’s all empty

And all of the while

You’re stuck missing me

And you will deny

But deep down you know

That you’ll never find

A love that’s more whole

And so while I’m healing

And praying for yours,

I sadly know you are

Embracing your scars

And using excuses

To act like a fool

And run far away from

The life meant for you

I hate to be so harsh

And put it like this

But sadly I know that

This was not your wish

It’s just what your fear

Made you finally decide

And so while I’m healing

You’re aching inside.

I’m too tired of it all

To reflect or try,

And so I have let go.

In God’s hands you lie.

"Healing Hope"

Sometimes I think I’ll never learn

Makes me think I might enjoy the burn

This time I am trying to be real

Maybe this time I’ll finally heal

Dark eyes warm smile and frigid heart

Made me think that I just might impart

Some small piece of solace to your soul

Trying in my way to make us both whole

But mending you was not my call

The sweat and tears didn’t heal me at all

So giving in seemed the thing to do

It wasn’t that I gave up on you.

Codependent habits always drag me down

All the love I gave could not turn you around

Portraits of a girl I wanted desperately to be

Faded long before you left me.

Tonight I feel patience creeping in

Covering over all of my past sin

Making me feel as if the day will dawn

forging through darkness til I see the sun

Wonder where you are in this crazy world

Probably drowning sorrows with a girl

None of it matters because I am through

Searching for ways to get through to you.

Nights are the hardest time to be alone

Feeling a stranger in my own home

But I refuse to succumb to self-pity

And I am taking steps to alterate me.

I hope tonight wherever you are

You know peace is never very far

Reach up and know that if you’ll let go

Serenity will wash over you.

"Already Whole"

I can feel you reaching down

Into my tired state.

You see what’s in my darkened mind.

You see me test my fate.

You never do let go of me.

You never let me down.

And each time that I pull away,

And fall back to the ground,

You pull me back and pull me up,

Consistent and so strong.

You teach me that Your love won’t change.

It’s been there all along.

And nothing I can do can take

Your gift away from me.

You are so unconditional.

Your grace, it sets me free

From all my insecurities,

And all my pain and pride.

Dear God, You are enough for me.

I’m sorry that I hide.

Please take this heart and make it whole

And show me all I need

Is everything that I already

Have inside of me.

A Story

She was in love with him with everything in her being, and could never imagine her life without him. For her, he was the one. He, on the other hand, didn’t know what he wanted. One day during one of their brief “in between” periods (they broke up a few times, but would get back together), he told her he had been thinking a lot lately about a girl he used to know in highschool, named Lisa…. A girl he had often wondered about. He mentioned that he wondered if maybe she was the one who got away. Of course this hurt for his “friend” to hear, but she blew it off as she did all of his previous mentions of and encounters with other women, thinking “if he and I are meant to be, someday he will wake up and realize it, and love me wholly and only”. Well it seemed that one day did come! Shortly thereafter, they got back together and she could not have been happier. He seemed happy too…. But always seemed to be holding something back. She never knew why, but decided to love him with all she had anyway, hoping that one day she could love the love right out of him, and it would be beautiful. She tried everything she could think of to make him feel happy and loved…. Cooked for him, cleaned his house, bought little gifts, loved and cared for his children, gave him lots of affection, left love notes around his house, brought coffee and food to him regularly when he was at work, made love to him any time she could and put her all into giving him pleasure and making him feel loved. One day while she was cleaning his house, she found a piece of paper lying on the floor. It had a name written on it…. Lisa…. And an address. To her horror, she realized this paper was in a spot she had cleaned recently before, so she knew it was new…. And it was HER…. The one he had mentioned from highschool. She was in shock….. how could he be thinking about another woman, when he has everything he could ask for in right in front of him??? This made her feel like she was not good enough somehow, so all she could think of to do was try harder…. Love him more, if that were even possible…. Make him see that he did not ever need to seek out another, that his dreams had already come true. She picked up the paper and set it upside down on his dresser, and did not mention to him that it had been found. The paper stayed in that spot for quite sometime, and as time went by, everything seemed to be fine, so she decided to put the incident behind her. Then one day, he slipped in casual conversation, and when she questioned him about what he meant, he admitted he had been emailing his long lost “friend”, but that it meant nothing. He was just thankful for the rekindled friendship. This confused her, as the only man she had any desire to spend her time with was him. But again, she pushed it aside, thinking it meant nothing. Soon, she stopped getting any emails at all from her boyfriend, with the exception of the infrequent forwarded email of a joke, in which she saw he had also forwarded the same email to many others…. One of which was “Lisa”. Their relationship began to deteriorate shortly thereafter, and it was clear he was not in love anymore. He actually even admitted at one point to never having been in love with her at all, but that he did love her in a way…. He had just always hoped it would grow. All of this took toll on her heart, and her self confidence began to wane. After what had begun to become a frequent routine of arguing and fighting (same old story every time…. She wanted him to be in love with her, and he wanted her to simply accept the fact that he was not), one night she had had enough. She asked him to make a commitment to loving her and giving this relationship his best shot. He told her he did not have that in him, so she would just have to deal with the relationship it was. She said she needed more from a relationship, or it would have to end. He chose for it to end, much to her shock and dismay. She was brokenhearted, beyond words. She could not eat or sleep, and missed him so badly. He told her he wanted to remain her friend, but that he just did not feel that way for her any more. She continued to lose weight and suffer sickness and sleeplessness, but she decided to move ahead with her life, for that was all she could do. Then one day only a few short weeks after the breakup, she fell apart and realized she could not love anyone again, if it were not him. She wanted him, missed him, needed him. She called him….. but found that he was on his way to visit “Lisa”. He stayed with Lisa for 4 days, without calling…. Without answering his phone during the night…. It killed her heart, and she felt as if she would die. One day on the 3^rd day of his stay with Lisa, she begged him to come home and work things out. He said no. He would not budge. His decision was to stay as long as possible at Lisa’s, so he stayed until the day he had to come home to pick up his kids, calling in sick to work every day he was there (which he had never done for her when they were together…. Not for the year she had known him). It finally hit her… she would never be his priority. So she let go…. Sick, sad and heartbroken, but determined to pick up the pieces and move on, hoping that one day she would love again… to the degree that she loved him.

"True Love's Kiss"

When you needed me

I was always there.

When I needed you

You did not care

When I got real low

I was on my own

I hope you remember

The love that I’ve shown

The next time around

So you won’t do the same

And cause some poor heart

To love in vain

I pray that one day

You will open that heart

And drop all your walls

And come out of your dark

But until then, I will

Pray, cry and miss

And bid you farewell

With one last true love’s kiss.

"Me & You"

You meant so much to me

I hope if I showed you one thing

I hope that it was how to love

With only everything you have

There were times I got it wrong

Yes, I wasn’t always strong

After all is said and done

I pray that you felt truly loved.

“Never” never was a word

I thought I’d say in words to you

But words can never be unsaid

And actions done we can’t undo

Please promise me, my dear,

That through the trials and through the tears

You’ll see light beyond the dark

And only love shines in your heart

I hope that one day what we’ve learned

Will somehow heal the bitter burn

And we will understand how to

Love because of me and you.

"Runner"

Running away.

You never stay.

Must be my fault;

I knew all along.

You can’t blame a girl

For hope in this world.

I sure held on

For far too long.

Wonder where you

Will run away to?

This time maybe

You’ll finally be free,

Or maybe while I

Lie here and cry

You will see too,

You’re running from you.

"Love & Be Loved"

I thought you were the one

Who’d take my doubt away.

You left me here alone,

Not once; repeatedly.

You knew this day would come.

A heart can only take so much.

A flower cannot grow

Without a tender touch.

I’m letting go tonight

Of all my hopes and dreams,

But somehow, still I know,

Someday I’ll be happy.

You’ll live your life alone,

Surrounded by a crowd.

I’ll live my life in peace,

And I am starting now.

And one day one will see

Everything that I am,

And love me completely,

And not pretend he can’t.

I’m happy in my pain,

For I see past the storm.

Beyond the rain’s a life

To which I won’t conform.

I will be only me.

I’ll love the way I do,

And it will be enough…

More than it was for you.

I hope you get your wish,

Whatever it may be.

Your resurrected walls

Have caused me now to flee.

I won’t be coming back.

I know that I deserve

The same thing we all do:

To be loved in return.

"Giving In"

Wanting you so bad

How I fought the fight

Desperate to cling to

What wasn’t right

In the end

All the fighting did

Was make me lose

Reflecting on

All the sacrifice

And I still lost you

When all is said and done, I see…

I almost lost me.

This is not giving up,

It’s giving in to love.

Love is not the way

You treated me

Love is not the way

I expressed my need

Sometimes love

Is letting go

When there’s no other

Way to show

Potential is nothing more than this…

“What if?”

When all is said and done, I see…

I almost lost me.

This is not giving up,

It’s giving in to love.

I can’t make a mountain move

By singing.

I can’t make someone hold on

By clinging.

I can only hope

That in letting go,

Both of us will learn.

That to one day feel the joy of

Knowing deep and lasting true love

We must feel the burn,

...then heal.

When all is said and done, I see…

I almost lost me.

This is not giving up,

It’s giving in… to love.

What I Remember.........

The way you laughed

The way you smelled

The blueness of your eyes

The way your touch

Could make me melt

And let down my disguise

The way I felt

As if a child

All lost in dreams of love

The way your smile

Was my one goal

It’s what dreams are made of

The way you slept

The way you sang

The way you talked with me

For hours on end

Of nothing but

Our fears and all our dreams

The way you cuddled

Close at night

The way you held my hand

The way you tucked

Your kids in bed

Made you a model man

The way you loved

To take in life

And cherish memories

The way you Feared

Our God above

Made you a saint to me

With all the things

That we’ve been through

The things that stand out most

Are all the reasons

It will always

Hurt that I let go.