Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"I Believe"

Just when I thought I had it all
Figured out,
You came into my life,
And you knocked me down.
Back to where my heart is new,
Back to when true love is true.
You are the reason I believe.

I took for granted
The unknown.
Got lost in the trying
To find home.
And all the things I thought I knew
Faded to grey when I found you.
You are the reason I believe.

Oh, where did you come from?
Oh, is this a dream?
You were always the one.
Now I believe.

I'm not so smart, I'm
Kinda dumb.
I missed the boat so many times,
Waiting for it to come.
And you were right in front of me.
It took too long for me to see.
Now, you are the reason I believe.

Oh, where did you come from?
Oh, is this a dream?
You were always the one.
Now I believe.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

"Love Is (My Christmas Carol)"

I am feeling so happy and full of life today. I've had a wonderful, Christmassy morning w/ my precious children. All bundled in our comfy, fuzzy jammies, we wrapped gifts & drank egg nog, and I played Christmas songs on the keyboard. There were lots of cuddles and hugs and "I love you's" and "Merry Christmas's" between us all this morning. Life doesn't get any sweeter!!! I'm in love, my kids are happy and healthy and I just feel so very thankful to God this Christmas season. I had to write about it, of course. After I wrote this song this morning, I sang it to my kids. They loved it! They gushed over it and made me feel even warmer inside. I'm so thankful for music, love, kids and life.


"Love Is (my Christmas Carol)"

I am thankful for so many things.
I've so much more than I'd dreamed of.
My beautiful children, my family, life and friends,
And love... Sweet love.

This season I'm reminded of You, Jesus,
And all the gifts You've given me.
I'm happiest of all! My gift to You is small:
It's my eternal love...

Love is... Angels in the snow.
Love is... Christmas lights aglow.
Winter hugs and children laughing; snow is falling down.
Love is all around.
It's Christmas.

I feel so adored by You now.
You've made all of my dreams come true.
I can't help singing out! Love is all around.
I'll spend the rest of my life loving You!

Love is... Angels in the snow.
Love is... Christmas lights aglow.
Winter hugs and children laughing; snow is falling down.
Your love is all around.
It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, my Jesus.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I'm very stubborn. Willful. This is not news to you. But sometimes, these things can be the death of me! Literally!!!

I've had a blood pressure problem for about a year now, which I haven't talked to many people about. There have been times it was so bad, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I called my parents about it, and a close friend or two a few times when it got super bad, but for the most part, I just ignored it. I knew there was nothing I could do about it, after all, I was a single mom of three little ones, working full-time to make ends meet. And I had a lot of other stresses in my life, which in hindsight, I should have just completely disallowed. But that's another story... hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, suffice it to say, there wasn't a whole lot I could do to ease the burden I bore, and unfortunately, it began to affect my blood-pressure negatively.

Call me naive, but up until recently, I really had no idea how bad it is to have high blood pressure. I mean, I'm young, and pretty healthy. I had no clue it could have killed me. It wasn't until my loving and supportive boyfriend forced me to go in and have the doctor check it that I got the full picture of what might have happened had I continued to ignore the problem. I got lectured by the doctor for about an hour, and the whole time, Scott was sitting across the room from me with an, "I told you so... but I love you", sort of look on his face. I felt very humbled. Turns out, I actually could have died. Had a stroke. If I'd ignored the problem much longer, life could've gotten pretty ugly. Or ended. WOW!!!! What a wake up call!

So now I am on BP medication (hard to believe I have to take that at the age of 35... pretty crazy!). I'm starting to feel better already. We have to continue to monitor it of course, but it's so wonderful knowing I have someone who cares enough about me to make sure I am healthy. He makes me feel very loved. He's been my close friend for so many years. And I've known he's loved me for a while. But the way he loves me now, is frankly, just mind-blowing. He knows me soooo well. He knows my thought processes, and what my arguments will be. He knows my stubborn will, and how to deal with it. He is just such a blessing! He's everything I've prayed for. I don't really think I can find the words to explain it. He's a miracle.

Which brings me to my next point... I was sitting here for the past week considering the possibility that his gentle and loving, yet stubborn insistence very well may have saved my life. But to be honest, I feel he has saved my life in more ways than one.

So I wrote this poem....



Dec 16, 2009
By: MG for SJ

Love just may have saved my life
In ways innumerable.
I’d die a hundred lonely deaths,
Unloved; unlovable.
But just as soon as I’d assumed
I was just too far gone,
You swept me up and carried me
Through darkness into dawn.
You rescued me in spite of me.
You brushed aside my doubts.
You know me well. You know my past.
I tried to push you out,
For love and pain went hand in hand;
A double-edged sword.
Now, looking into true love’s eyes,
I know I am adored.
It makes me feel like all the scars
That screamed for far too long,
Have served their purpose beautifully.
Your subtle love is strong.
I will take for granted not
One moment of my days.
Your gentle heart and loving soul
Illuminate… Amaze.
I could have died in countless ways,
But I feel so alive!
Your passion is timeless and true.
My love, you’ve saved my life.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Life is good.

I'm happy today! I won't get into all of the reasons why, cuz' as you know, I can be wordy! I'll just summarize and say that God is sooooooo wonderful and faithful and good! He takes care of me. Always, and without fail. I am so far from where I want to be, and no where near perfect. And yet, somehow, My God sees fit to shower me with blessings. It completely amazes me. I don't know that His Mercy, Grace and Love are things that I will ever come to expect. I'm perpetually surprised by Him.

I gotta talk about my kids for a minute...

One of the many things I am so happy about is the fact that my kids got their report cards yesterday, and they are all doing so awesome! Gosh, I am so proud. Bre and Caleb came to live w/ me September 2008, when I received primary custody of them. Before that, I only saw them every other weekend during the school year, which was absolutely heart-breaking. Since that time, I have seen them grow and improve in so many ways. Nate has always been with me, of course. He and I prayed for so many years that all of us could be together a whole lot more. And even though the circumstances which have finally enabled that were less than positive, we are now together. Our prayers were answered. And everyone is just doing so well! My babies are so smart and sweet and wonderful. I am one very blessed and proud mama.

Yes, we have our tough moments. After all, they are kids. They do act up sometimes. And I am still learning how to do this single mom of three thing. It's pretty hard some days. But all in all, I'd say it's going incredibly well. They are such a joy to me. Life has not been a very easy one for them, sadly. Nor for me. But, having the opportunity to see my kids' academic, emotional and spiritual growth this past year has been such an honor, and one of things I am thankful for on this happy day.

I'm recognizing the way our God is taking care of us all. And I'm thankful.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My Weekend w/ the Kids

I am so blessed to have been raised in a Godly home. It's something I've often taken for granted. But this weekend was one of those times that re-reminded me of just how incredibly blessed I am to have the upbringing and the parents that I do.

Breauna's best friend stayed the night w/ us on Friday. She's a sweetheart! I want to adopt her! She thanked me profusely for all the stuff we'd done that evening. Stuff which was really just normal weekend stuff, but was so out of the ordinary and special for her to experience. She recited it all. She mentioned how cool it was that I picked them up from school, how I took them to the video store and let them pick out movies, how I'd ordered pizza, made them a pie, played board and card games with them, laughed with them, watched Disney movies with them, then said prayers with them, hugged them and tucked them in bed. It made me feel good to feel so appreciated!

Saturday morning, Bre's little friend was very quiet. Bre told me it was because she was sad that she'd have to go home, and that she wanted to live with us. Soooo... we decided to make Saturday the best day ever. And it was! I made them huge chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon and chocolate milk for breakfast. I played games with them. I took them out to eat at In-n-Out for lunch. We went with some friends to see "A Christmas Carol" at the movie theater. Then I took them on a shopping spree at the Dollar Tree (kid heaven). We decided to let her stay another night. I made her the dinner of her choice (which was cheeseburger macaroni, green beans, garlic bread and cherry pie), rented another movie of their choice, and once again, said prayers and gave hugs when I tucked them in at bed time. I overheard her tell Bre that she had the nicest, coolest mom ever. Then I overheard Bre agree. It was the neatest feeling.

These things are normal to me because of how I was raised: praying at mealtime and bedtime, hugs and affection, praise words and positive talk in the home, activities done together as a family, going to church, talking regularly about God and what it means to be a Christian, and the list goes on and on. Not all homes involve these activies, and some families have such an absence of family values and love. I want to publicly praise my parents for raising me in such a positive way.

I wish I could adopt every child out there who's hurting. But I can't. What I CAN do is continue to shower my own children (and any friends they bring over) with love and affection, Godly values, and a peaceful home environment. I really feel honored and blessed to be a mom. And I am so very thankful for my wonderful parents, who taught how to be one.

Friday, November 13, 2009

My Bucket List

* Learn to snowboard.
* Take my kids to Disneyland.
* Lay on the beach on a tropical island.
* Explore Ireland.
* Visit a quaint, coastal town laid out on a hillside in Italy.
* Meet, fall in love with, then marry my best friend.......... Then grow old together.
* See my daughter get married.
* See my sons grow to be men of character and strength.
* Write a book of poetry and have it published.
* Own a house with a big yard & get a dog for my kids.
* Learn how to waterski.
* Visit New York.
* Go to an opera in an evening gown.
* Get re-certified and go scuba diving somewhere tropical.
* Write an auto-biography.
* Have another baby (after I meet, fall in love with and marry my best friend, of course).
* Go on a road trip on the back of a motorcycle.
* Own a gigantic trampoline
* Fly to Minnesota with my kids, so they can meet all the family they have out there.
* Walk through a forest full of butterflies.
* Go skydiving.

A song I'm workin' on....

Only always
I see Your face,
Revealed with Grace
In countless ways.

All it takes is just
One small act of trust
To learn He'll find You're treasure
Beneath rust.
Polished and refined,
All it takes is time,
To see the beauty ashes
Tried to hide.

Only always
I see Your face,
Revealed with Grace
In countless ways.

So many times I didn't see
New forest for those old, burnt trees.
Too many times I couldn't see beyond...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Amazing Grace

My whole life’s dream has been to be a “professional Christian Singer/Songwriter”. That’s how I’ve phrased my dream. Since the age of 3. Just ask my parents.

A song came to mind as I was sitting outside in the quiet dark tonight at the age of 35, reflecting. “Amazing Grace”. Suddenly, my mind scaled back to a time about 7 years ago, when I was sitting at the Christian Coffee Connection in Mt. Shasta, CA. A band was playing. Some kind of really cool blues melody, though I honestly wasn’t listening, rather, hole-ing up inside of myself, as I can do so well. I felt very alone and broken. I was sipping my coffee, avoiding eye contact with people, and reflecting on all the craziness that was my life at that moment. I was newly divorced, and pregnant with a child (not my ex-husband's) who’s father had plainly informed me would not be a part of his child’s life. I’d opted against abortion due to the Holy Spirit’s leading… a story for another time, and had resolved myself to a life of unfulfilled dreams. Dreams that once included that stage and that mic and that sound system that the band was now playing on. Dreams which were dead. So I was not listening to them at all. Tuning them out. Loving the band's music, however, resenting the fact that the band represented all that I could never be.

Then there was an intermission, and I was glad. Not because the music was bad. It was a really good band, actually. I just hated the reminder of all my dreams gone awash. Then, immediately disintegrating my reverie, the lead-singer of the band was looking at me, walking off the stage, and bee-lining towards me. I turned around to see who he was looking at, but there was no one behind me. Yep, he was walking towards ME. “Hmmm.... They’ve finished their set, and I look like an easy target for conversation”, I thought. He strode up to me with confidence, and said, “Hi, my name is blah blah blah (I can’t remember), and I hear you can sing.” I stammered for a moment, then asked him, “Oh, really. From whom?” He then replied, “Well, your Aunt mentioned it to me. Then I remembered you’d sung at the ‘Day in the Son’ Festival last summer. I actually remember that performance. You had technical difficulties, but you’d never have guessed it by your poise. You are a great singer and have genuine delivery. I remember you.” I was flattered, but suddenly felt shy and embarrassed and wanted to run. I’m sure I turned 12 shades of red, as I often do, and thanked him and turned away (as I often do). He, on the other hand, was persistent. He kept trying and trying to engage me. I tried to be polite and make conversation, when he finally said, “Look, here’s my card. In addition to singing, I also own my own record label. I really think you should think about a career in Christian music. If you can come up with a portfolio and are willing to go on tour, I will sign you. You will get 50% of whatever you make in record sales and all of the profit you make in marketing. What do you think?” …..Uhhhh….. hello…. All my life dreams come true in one question!!!! Only one problem. I was 3 months pregnant! Plus, I had 2 other little babies to support too. All at once I had found myself a single mother of soon to be 3. I knew there was just no way. I demurely, and gracefully declined. I smiled sweetly and thanked him.

Next set. The band started playing again, only this time the lead singer (the one who’d cornered me earlier) stopped them to make a special request. From the stage and into the mic he said, “Monica. Hey, Monica, come sing ‘Amazing Grace’ with us. Surely you know THAT one!” … Oh, my gosh! I’m certainly used to being put on the spot by my ever-loving Pastor father, who perpetually and spontaneously makes me sing almost every time I visit his church, but seriously! Oh my gosh! I had a little 3-month preggo belly I was trying to hide, by an out-of-wedlock father who'd left me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, I just wanted to crawl under my table! I said "no" a million times (okay, maybe two or three), like I often do with my Pop, when he calls me to sing an impromptu special in church. Then, Finally! Mr. Religious Blues Man just let it go, and continued with his band’s amazing blues/rock rendition of “Amazing Grace”. I left that night with his offer on my mind, and his card in my wallet, which I, conveniently lost shortly thereafter.

My dreams of being a Singer/Songwriter died there that night. I knew life was taking a different turn, due to my wrong choices.

You know, somehow I am not sad anymore. I know I’ve said so many times before, “God can make beauty from ashes”. But, honestly, it is so true. Maybe my childhood dream will never come to fruition, but the heart of that dream; which is reaching out through my soul with honesty and genuine love for people (both Christian and non) is happening. It may seem an insurmountable task, but thanks to Jesus and His allowance of the many burdens I’ve endured, I can relate to many people on many levels, and am blessed by His Divine appointments. They are welcomed opportunities to minister and share God’s unconditional Love.

Maybe….. just maybe, despite all my past mistakes (including those which have turned out to be indescribable beauty from ashes), God can still reach some through me. That is my hope. No, not the way I’d planned when I was young, but hope, nonetheless. It's my desire to spread His hope in whatever way He sees fit. I really want everyone to feel loved after feeling unlovable. It's a great feeling. I know that the only reason I have any hope left in my heart is because Jesus saw through my muck and mire and loves a wretch like me. He can still use me. I've learned and grown from the past. I'm still growing. There is a reason I am here, despite broken dreams. And I'm comforted to know He still finds purpose in me. His amazing Grace astounds me.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

God's Compassion

"When we reach out to others, we share God’s compassion with them. We are His hands on earth. We can reach out and touch others by concentrating on what they are saying and not saying. We can make a difference in others’ lives by making ourselves emotionally available, by becoming vulnerable and allowing others to be vulnerable, by caring even when it costs us." (Gwen Weising)


I recently read this quote, and got all excited. I could not agree with it more!!! To hear it put so plainly and eloquently was, quite frankly, validating for me. There are people in my life who've chastised me for being so open, and chided me for seeing so many of my encounters with others as an opportunity to minister in some way. I call them "Divine Appointments" (I heard that term at a seminar once, and it stuck w/ me).

I often hear God's still, small voice telling me to give someone a hug, or a smile; a phone call, or a word of advice or encouragement; a listening ear, or sometimes a long and heartfelt email about how deeply God loves them. There are many ways and many opportunities to shed a little light in this dark world. I don't always hear, or rather listen, to His voice urging me often to jump out of my comfort zone, make myself vulnerable, and reach out to another in love. But I try very hard to be discerning and alert to His leading, and not miss these beautiful opportunities. After all, this is what life is all about... Love.

I chose not to listen to the closed-hearted, doubting, chiding voices that tell me to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, and stop sharing my heart and baring my soul to so many. I feel it's my duty... My calling, for His Kingdom. I am aware my openness has caused me to be very vulnerable and has even opened me up to being hurt by those who didn't understand it, or took advantage of it. Yes, there have been times my "reaching out" has cost me. BUT, those were just more opportunities to grow and learn how to protect my heart while continuing to give of my heart for the purpose of spreading God's love and enlightenment. It does not mean I should shield myself, and stop being open and spiritually and emotionally generous! That'd be a slap in the face of my God, Who tells me to freely give... to love my neighbor just as much as I love my own self... to be the salt that's sprinkled about this earth, seasoning it for God's coming glory.

So my choice is to be humble about my faults, raw and real with myself and others about my awkward humanity, and accepting of God's grace and unconditional Love (which I STILL have such a hard time fathoming, though I trust and believe that it is). I choose to be, to the best of my ability, a distributor of God's compassion.

Monday, October 12, 2009

This Old Burden

Excuse me, I object.
I know You're not done yet,
But how can it be true
That I be loved by You?
It's unconditional?
I do not grasp the whole
Of how or why at all!
I feel unlovable.
I've lived my share of woes.
My word and deed, it shows
I don't always choose well.
Should I not go to Hell?
I'm sorry, it's just hard
To take You at Your word.
I'm damaged and unwhole,
Yet you cherish my soul?
With arms open so wide,
And Your heart filled with pride?
You really do love me!
Your blessings help me see
That You forgive mistakes,
As many as I make,
And find beauty in me
That I can't even see.
I've struggled years to grasp
A love that is this vast.
I'm tattered, torn and scarred,
But You see past that part.
You see the heart of me.
You long to set me free
From all my guilt and shame.
You call me out by name.
Yes, I'll stop arguing,
But God, I'll need your strength,
For I can't comprehend
A love that does not end.
I've known too much heartache.
My longing eyes can't wait
To look upon Your face
And know I'm home and safe.
I want to believe, God,
With all my mind and heart
That nothing I could do
Would make Your love untrue.
And so, I choose to trust.
It's very hard. I must
Let this old burden fall;
It's not mine, after all.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

"Fairytales Can End in Blue"

D minor

Rider on a white horse at dusk
Charge through smoke and fire he must
Nothing now could stop this,
He’d ride through Hell for one kiss.
Open arms await love to entrust.

Suddenly, awakened by the cold,
She reaches out in darkness; she’s alone.
Why’d she have to dream again?
And why can’t dreams happily end,
In life, love deeper than one heart can hold?

Fairytales can end in blue,
No matter how you wish them to,
So she will go to sleep alone,
With only dreams to keep her warm.

“I am King of Rocks, and none shall climb.”
“I am Queen of Hearts, you’ve broken mine.”
But maybe if she gives fate one more try,
She could ignore the way he makes her cry.

Soft, her heart it bleeds just to be loved.
Hard, his heart is to her needs and wants.
Time has taken its’ toll.
Hearts growing hard and bitter cold.
This was not what either had dreamed of.

Fairytales can end in blue,
No matter how you wish them to,
So she will go to sleep alone,
With only dreams to keep her warm.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Artichoke & the Angel

The craziest thing happened! Or maybe NOT so crazy...

I woke to my alarm clock music this morning. After hitting snooze a few times, I climbed, reluctantly, out bed. Monday. Time to get my kids ready for school. As I started decending the stairs to the living room/kitchen, I realized something just wasn't right. I smelled smoke. Not just a little smoke, but a very strong burning stench. I ran into the kitchen and looked around. Everything seemed fine. I checked the gas burners on the stove. Knobs were all in "off" position. I checked the coffee pot. "Off". Hmmmm... I couldn't figure out what that burning stench was. Just then, I remembered I'd gotten the munchies late last night. The artichoke!!!

Since I am trying to eat healthier, I'd opted against chips & dip, and threw into a big pot of water, an artichoke. They take forever to cook, and I'm really not a patient person (especially when it comes to food), so I turned the gas stove on "high". I then sat down to do a little reading. I started getting really sleepy, so after a while, without even one thought of the cooking artichoke, I climbed the stairs and crawled into my comfy bed, where I remained until this morning, when my alarm clock awoke me.

Every night before bed, I say prayers with my children. Last night was no different. In that prayer, I always ask God to put His Angels around all of us as we sleep, to protect and keep us safe. Well, prayer works, and Angels exist, because SOMEbody shut off that burner last night, and it wasn't me or the kids. It couldn't have been a neighbor, because my doors were locked. The stove doesn't have an auto shut-off feature. And in order to even turn the knobs, you have to push in, then turn.

Crazy, I know. Or is it? I, admittedly, hesitated posting this. But then I thought, "Why?!". I was a little afraid no one would believe me. It took me a while this morning to fully grasp the implications of what happened. The truth is, Faith has become weak within this worldy existence. So when something miraculous actually occurs, the first inclination is to find a way to rationally explain it away. Wouldn't that need to find reason over belief actually be an attempt to disprove God's active, tangible involvement in our every day life? And why would we want to do that?! Yes, our lack of faith may be subconscious and unintentional, but we really need to look at why we have allowed ourselves to become such doubting Thomas's.

God IS the reason you were delayed in traffic and barely missed being involved in that car wreck just up the road. God IS the reason you woke up in the night with a friend heavy on your heart, so you stayed awake praying for them, only to find out the next day that they'd almost died. Your prayer saves lives. And miracles really do happen. I have a Guardian Angel and a very charred artichoke to prove it.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

just me...


Meadow. Quiet, still,
Floral fragrance filled.
Warm with zephyr's song.
Bluebirds sing along.

A place beyond Hope Lake,
And miles past Mount Fate.
This blissful valley found
Has turned me upside down.

Now spinning, twirling, free.
No shoes upon my feet.
Fresh air and hopes and dreams.
Renewed by gleaming peace.

I fall into soft grass.
A butterfly floats past.
I close my eyes and breathe.
I've found Serenity.

It seems familiar now.
I've travelled here somehow
In distant visions past.
Has Heaven come to pass?

No, I am still alive.
I've crossed not from this side.
This place awakens me
To possibilities...

Of love with not one tear,
Affection without fear,
Devotion full and true;
This peaceful place is you.

Such beauty all around.
I barely feel the ground.
I'll rest here lifetime's long,
Humming our meadow song.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

"Twelve Moons"

Seeking out, oh, the things that numb.
Reasoning, "I've reason to succumb."
Never did I fathom I'd be here.
Feeling not's the greatest of my fears.

Comfort comes in willing myself blind.
Sweet clarity exposes that bold lie.
Never did I expect all my loss
Would sail twelve moons away with but a toss.

"Then", I wanted just to grasp the "Why".
Forsaking all the ache, I let that die.
All I saw through broken glass was fear.
Shards of Love fell down and led me here.

Sheltering my weak and weary heart.
Sickened by the pity that thought sparked.
I have so much more down here to do,
Than whirlwind in those selfish, poor-me blues.

Feeble ones say they've just had enough.
Warrior children take the hits, yet love.
New eyes see beyond the present night,
A willing soldier born to face the fight.

Acceptance seeps through my calloused, soft veins.
I am meant to give, thus, I'll remain.
I will not deny my calling now.
Love is why I'm here. This is my vow.


It's very easy to be anonomous, ambigous and safe. It's very difficult to face faults and become vulnerable in regards to the areas in one's life in which they need change or growth or acceptance or just the re-realization of what they already know. It's so painful to be raw and open sometimes. And yet, I know beyond knowing that my calling is to give and love freely, and allow people in all circumstances and levels of learning to see God glorified through me. Can He truly be glorified through an imperfect human such as myself? Yes, I know He can. He's laid it upon my heart. I may be imperfect, but I am His child. That makes me yearn to not only strive for perfection, but reach out to my brothers and sisters and love them through this journey we call life.

Monday, September 21, 2009

"White Flag"

I never loved like that.
Never before.
Never after.
I never felt deeper.
Never swam in such depths of emotion.
I’ve lived a semi-life
Since letting you go.
Loving you felt like home.
Every emotion since has lacked passion.
A part of me died
With our love.

I prayed the other night.
I prayed for you.
Unexpectedly, I began to cry.
I haven’t cried over you in quite a while.
The feeling surprised me.
You are still in my heart.
You always will be.
You were true love.
I can never love like that again.

How does a person disown and deny
Love of that proportion?
We both said hurtful words.
We both had much room for growth.
Is it possible that we’ve matured?
Is it possible that we can come back,
Be together once again,
Healthier and more whole than before?
Is it possible that we don’t really have to let go?
Is it possible that we truly never did?

Maybe the fork in the road
Which led us apart
Has been good for us.
Maybe we both needed the humbling,
The chance to be stripped down to our naked soul,
And as individuals,
Be reformed.
Yes, the solitude has led to growth.
And all of this bumping around in the dark
Has caused me to fully comprehend
How much I love and miss

I’ve fumbled desperately at denial,
Attempting to shelter my heart.
I will not be wounded again.
I will not.
I've shut you out.
I've plugged my ears,
Willing myself to disbelieve
When you say,
“I’m sorry.
Let me show you…”

I’ve held fast to my stubborn pride.
I’ve constructed barriers so great,
Even I could not see past them.
I’d nearly convinced myself
I could go on without you.
But here is the tender truth;
Walls down,
White flag waving:
I love you.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A peaceful morning...

My morning has been so peaceful and happy. Woke up in a good mood, so did the kids. Everyone was very cooperative in getting ready for school. Made some yummy coffee w/ cherry flavor. Made lunches. Dropped kids off at school. Kissed them goodbye. Came home and poured another cup, then sat down in my favorite cushy chair with my Bible and devotional book. Had a wonderful time of prayer with the Lord, and read today's devotional and it really hit home:

"You will not find my peace by engaging in excessive planning: attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. This is a commonly practiced form of unbelief. When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometimes seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you. Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion. ...I [God] did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with Me. Bring Me all your needs, your hopes, your fears. Commit everything into my care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."

Wow! I needed that!!!!!

One of the scriptures the devotional referenced was I Peter 5:6-7. Verse 7 just so happens to be my favorite verse since high school. It always brings me comfort when I need it most. So simple... just trust God with all your worries. He will take care of it!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for the reminder that you are in control, and You love me enough to take all of my worries upon Yourself. I don't have to figure out the future. I don't have to stress about it (like I was last night, I'm sorry, Lord), because You've got it covered! Thank you for this simple reminder, God, and the peace you are flooding my soul with this morning.

Sorry, I always seem to pray in the middle of my posts. Anyway, if you're reading this, please know I wrote it to inspire and remind you to give your worries to Jesus. He cares for you, and He has a beautiful plan for your future! Just wait, in peace.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"Mom Enough"

Last night, my heart broke with his welling tears.
My tears spilled too, but I wiped them away quickly.
I swallowed hard.
"I have to be strong for him!
He was happy a minute ago?
Where did it come from?"
I was just about to kiss him goodnight.
I wish I knew everything that went on
In the beautiful little boy's mind.

He suddenly looked so lost and lonely.
He looked at me with big,
Pleading 6-year-old eyes, and asked,
"When will I ever get to meet my dad?"

I felt like a car fell on my chest.
I cried with him for a moment,
Feeling his ache.
I wanted that for him too.
It's not fair!!!

In a split second,
I felt so many things at once!
Anger.... anger at his father
For not caring enough to be one.
Sadness... sadness that my precious son
Has never known what it is like to have a "dad".
Empathy... empathy because I, too, have felt
Rejected and deeply alone.
Love.... most prevelantly, love.
I adore this little boy,
And I will make SURE he knows it.

I may be able to relate to his breaking heart,
But I can't relate to never having a father.
God blessed me with the best father in the world.
But my precious, sweet, smart, special son...
So gifted... so unique...
So very, very, very special...
Has never even met his.

I've begged his father to just meet him.
I understand that he doesn't want to be his "dad"
(For reasons he somehow seems to justify to himself),
But couldn't he at least give my son the satisfaction
Of knowing he had a father?
Couldn't he at least meet him?
Hug him even one time?
Ugh... my heart is breaking.
I can't type.
I can't see past these tears.
Why, God?!!!

[Holy Father, he needs you so desperatley.
Please, help my son.
Please, reach into his soul and give him peace.
Please, help me to be enough.
Please, help him to feel loveed, healthy and whole.
And please, God, change his father's heart.
Soften him, and help him to understand how very much
His little boy needs his father.]

I looked him right in those big,
Precious, brown eyes and said,
"I don't know. I do hope he comes around one day.
But you know what? You are blessed!
Because you have 2 extra special grandpas!
And you have a mom that loves you with all her heart,
So, so, so, so much!"

Just then he sat up in bed, and grabbed for me,
Almost lunged.
He wrapped his arms around my neck.
I wrapped my arms around him too,
And rocked him.
"I love you, Mom..." he mumbled,
His face buried in my neck.
"I love you too, Nate. SO much.", I replied.
He breathed in deeply, then laid back down.
I checked his eyes for tears,
But they were gone.
"I think he's okay now..."
I thought, without conviction.
How could I be sure.
Would he ever really be okay?

Every little boy needs a father.
I hate that I am not enough to fill my baby's void.
I can't be. I wasn't designed that way.
This is not how life is supposed to be.
I only pray I can be strong enough
And mom enough
For Nate.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Better off being single....

A little melancholy today... I have a real hard time with dishonesty. People say it's not a lie if it's just withholding the truth, but I say it's still blatant dishonesty, which makes me trust even less. *sigh*

I hate getting my hopes up, only to have the wind knocked out of my sail repeatedly. Isn't there any one left in this world who is real...unselfish...honest? Is it too much to ask for in a mate? I bear those qualities, and would love to find a "soul-mate" to share them with. I'm just beginning to have my doubts that he's out there.

I want someone who is very affectionate, compassionate, strong, wise, gentle, protective, kind, honest, humorous, communicative, ambitious, grounded, responsible, giving, spontaneous, noble, confident and passionate. Combine all that with loving the Lord, loving children (namely mine), and having amazing chemistry with me. Is all that too much to ask? LOL.... maybe so. In addition, I want to be very comfortable with him, laugh with him, cuddle with him, and be his best-friend. Some say this kind of fairy tale does not exist. Sometimes I believe them. More and more each time I see my hope seep out like air from a pinhole in a balloon. Not sure how much more I've got left, to be quite honest.

And yet, I can't shake this notion that he's out there... somewhere. My ideal man. And by "ideal", I do not mean "perfect". My ideal man is NOT perfect. I don't want that. I want to love his "flaws", so to speak, and know that he is perfect for me.

To my NEXT point: I am not perfect. Oh my GOODNESS, am I miles from that! I have so much growing to do... but I am blue enough right now, and don't feel like sitting here typing out my laundry list of "things Monica really should change about herself". I am going to focus on the positives, thus getting to the point of this rant.

I know my strengths. I am old enough and have been through enough (relationship-wise, and just plain life orientated) to know what I want. I know what will and will not work for me, and I don't waste time once those things have become clear. Life is too short to settle, so I won't. But how many freakin' frogs am I going to have to kiss before I find my prince???!!!

I am so sick of it all! I just wanna believe myself when I say, "I am better off just being single".

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sometimes I forget the passion...

...with which He loves. Sometimes I stand amazed and thankful for His blessings and unending grace which rescues me. And as occasion arises, I recognize these things. But I have become aware that this world and all of it's stresses and worries so easily seems to distract me from the memory and the utter owning of the knowledge that He passionately adores me. His blessings are not just occasional, nor inspired by whimsy. They are purposed and intended due to the fact that on a constant, He is ever so close; always watching over me with a beautiful and unconditional version of the love of which I think I am waiting for. It's that deep closeness that I sometimes seem to lose sight of. He is my gentle father and very best friend and yet so very much more! I... we... must never forget this.

Just when I needed it most, I got an email, with this song as a link (pasted below). As you all know, music is my love-language. It cuts straight to my heart like nothing else can. Please listen with your heart and enjoy, knowing that God loves you deeply...




Sunday, May 03, 2009

I do not wonder why our paths have crossed.

"The Gift You've Given Me"

Thank you for reminding me that love exists out there.
Thank you for showing me how very much you care.
Thank you for your friendship, when I felt quite alone.
Thanks for the softness that oozes from your soul.
Just when I felt so beat up for everything I’ve done,
You came along and showed me there’s nothing not to love,
And all my past mistakes and flaws you saw as beautiful.
You reminded me I’m lovable. You see how much I’ve grown.
Your friendship means the whole wide world to me, my ray of light.
You’ve given me the will to believe true love’s worth the fight.
I won’t give in to numbness, nor be a jaded girl.
For there is someone special out there in this lonely world,
Who deserves all my passion. I’m saving it for him.
For now I will keep growing and smiling until then.
It’s all because of you that I see the road ahead.
The haze has been removed. That old girl is now dead.
No need to drown my sorrows. No need to put up walls.
All I need is Jesus. I’ve faith one day I’ll fall
Into the arms of true love, and it will all make sense.
I’m hopeful and determined, because of you, my friend.



The dark, the stars
This night…

My kids, my work
My life…

The past, the scars
My plight…

And letting go
It holds

Sweet is the peace that comes
In knowing I can’t overcome
Without falling into You
You are the only One,
Sweet Peace.

The times I’ve tried
To find

I’ve lived, then died

It’s time I tried
Not trying.

My soul it knows.
It owns

Sweet is the peace that comes
In knowing I can’t overcome
Without falling into You
You are the only One,
Sweet Peace.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Bright Side of Suicide

The unforeseen perk of leaving death’s door:
It offers a chance to start over,
Re-prioritize, get up and press on,
And not look back over one’s shoulder.
I’ve no desire now to entertain thoughts
Of “would haves”, nor “should haves”, nor “whys”.
My desire of desires is to set all that free.
I’m humbled, and grateful for life.
I’ve in front of me such a beautiful chance
To reach out to those who have fallen,
And with much compassion and great empathy,
Remind them they still have a calling.
The enemy wants to steal all our joy,
He tells us we don’t have a purpose.
I’m very aware it was not flesh and blood
That told me that night, “You’re not worth it.”
And I just can’t thank my Savior enough
For seeing beyond all my shame,
And holding me close, although I was far,
And gently calling me by name.
No, I won’t look back. I’ll watch for attack,
And press on steadfast toward my goal.
This life hurts my heart, but Heaven awaits,
And one day, I’ll finally be Home.
So deeply I know my purpose remains.
I have so much left here to do.
I’ll broaden the road, and expose death’s lies,
For my life was saved by the Truth.

"Good Friday"

I’ve felt so alone in this world,
Just like an abandoned girl.
I feel You’ve felt the same way
Long ago on this dark day.

“Good Friday” seems to me
So cold and contradictory.
I feel the pain You pursued;
The ache You chose to endure...

You carried that cross for me!
You gave up all Your dignity!
You were crucified by those
Who refused
To believe You were the King of Kings…
Because You knew
I would.

I feel ashamed that I cry
Over all the pain in my life.
Contemplating all the pain You felt;
One Who was so pure, yet You knelt...

And took those blows for me.
You were that Rose for me.
And I can never repay
All the wounds You bore that day,
But I can thank You now and pray
That I can spread the word and say,
He is the One we’ve all been waiting for!
He’s King of kings and Lord of lords!
He’s Father, Healer, Master, Real and
Everyone that we’ve been waiting for…
Once upon a time…
Happened long ago!

I love You, Jesus, I love You!
Father, I thank You!
Healer, embrace You!
Lay it all down for You!
Oh, how I adore You!
Savior, I’m for You!
I will speak up for You,
Because I know You did
Not just speak for me
No, I know You did
Lay down Your life for me,
So I will give everything I have
To spread Your word. I’m glad
To say I’m alive.
And it’s because of Jesus Christ.


I have to add how this one came about....

I had a song in my heart late last night, and was compelled to get up and sing it out. So, I was singing this one and playing the keyboard, then taking a quick second between lines to jot it in my notebook. It flowed out of me so freely, and continued on for over an hour! I had a beautiful time with the Lord, last night, and this crazy flow of love lyrics came out.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I have to do this......

"Letting Shackles Fall"

I am sick to death
Of whom I have let
Myself become. It’s not
Who I really am.
Here I am again!
How do I keep getting lost?
Oh, death has seemed
Such a sweet release
On countless lonely nights.
With too much to drink,
And much time to think,
I almost lost the fight.
But I felt You there,
And with quiet care,
Assisting Angels bent,
And they whispered things
That did finally bring
Peace to my soul again.
Now I have become
Much aware that One
Has been waging war for me.
Sadly, as He fights,
I just close my eyes,
And take another drink.
I have yearned for numb
That does never come.
I’m so tired of myself
For being so weak,
And falling asleep,
And waking up in Hell.
I am done now with
The way I have lived;
Not half of the life I should.
Did my purpose die?
Is it too late to try?
I’d erase me if I could.
Now with all my flaws,
And completely raw,
I am here on bended knee.
Take her far away,
The old me, replace
With the soul I’m meant to be.
Letting shackles fall,
Crushing every wall,
I am Yours entirely.
Fill me up with You
Make me clean and new,
And ignite a fire in me.
You won’t fight alone
To protect my soul
Anymore, my precious Lord.
I will fight hard too,
Father, me and You
Shall unite and win this war.


I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore. Part of me hopes that it remains just mine, mostly because I am so naked here, emotionally. But a bigger part of me knows that I HAVE to be utterly, and often, painfully honest with myself, God AND others. I have always had a huge flaw (amongst many), and that is pride. I certainly would never want anyone to view me as pathetic, weak or fallen. So if anyone out there, who knows me or has previously known me, stumbles upon this post; please know that is incredibly hard to write, but it's something I am making myself do. If it changes your opinion of me, good. I am far from perfect, and STILL a work in progress. But the thing I have realized is that the progress would go a whole lot faster if I would stop getting in the way of it. Here goes......

I have a lot of stresses in my life. I, for the past few years, have started dealing with those stresses in a very unhealthy way. I've started to attempt to numb myself with alcohol. It's not an occasional girls night out, nor a going out on the weekends thing with me. I literally never go out and do anything like that. My days are spent working my butt off to support my 3 children, and most nights are spent at home (after they go to bed) consuming a few glasses of wine, or cocktails just to go a little numb, turn off my head and heart and attempt to get some sleep. This really isn't how I want to live.

I have begun to sink into pretty deep depression. One that, about a month ago, nearly caused me to end my life. I had not had thoughts that scary since I was 19, and I knew with all of me that what I was going through that night was a serious spiritual attack. I felt angels and demons fighting for me and against me, and I, even in my drunken state, cried out to God for the strength to not kill myself. He heard my prayers, and somewhere in the very early hours of morn, He soothed my spirit enough to go to sleep.

When I awoke, my head was pounding from the hangover, and also spinning from the realization of what I had almost done. I knew it was time for a change. But it's been a lot harder than I thought. It's so hard to understand how I can wake up in the morning with such resolve to become the daughter God wants me to be, and then go to bed each night defeated. The guilt just makes me drink even more! Ugh.... this has become a nightmare. I think the depression I have allowed myself to succumb to is much more spiritual in nature than I had ever imagined.

What I realized this morning as I sat down to finally write raw about all this (see poem above) is this.... I am actually tying God's hands. He cannot win this battle without me. God actually needs ME! It's not just that I need Him! If I don't fight with all that is in me to disallow Satan to have any kind of influence or grasp upon my life, I am basically assisting in God's defeat! Wow.... it's seriously time for me to get my head out of my butt.

I've always known He has a big purpose for me, and it involves ministry. How in the world can I minister in the state I've been in! No wonder life has felt so meaningless. I have allowed it to become that way. I am done. I am going to do whatever it takes to put on the armor, fight, and win. I know with God, anything is possible. It's going to be hard. I am going to encounter a lot of opposition from the enemy. But I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength.

So I've poured out all my alcohol. I've ripped my heart wide open and invited God to renew my mind and strength. And now, I am being honest with myself and anyone else who reads this about my flaws and my strong desire for change. I want to be the butterfly He intends for me to be.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

An Ammicable Farewell

“Once Upon a Dream”

I’m so far from angry;
I’m peaceful; unfraid,
Nor am I grieved it ended.
I’m thankful that we gave
The best shot we could give to “us”
And give our all we did.
The stars did not align for us,
With distance and with kids
At forefront of our parting words,
And weighing on our minds.
In the end, it’s different things
We’re wanting out of life.
I don’t fault you for leaving.
Nor did I want to stay
In a relationship that was
So miles and miles away.
And not just geographically,
But ultimately, now
We’ve seen that we are out of sync,
And gracefully bowed out.
I do love and miss you, friend,
Our memories do gleam.
Please, know that I’ll remember you
Once upon a dream.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

"Embrace Silence"

I always say too much
My heart seeps from my mouth
I try to open up
But then it just heads south
And when I embrace silence
My life is easier
But walls feel like such violence
So I don't care who hears
And then the truth does hurt me
Just how it always has
My words come back to haunt me
And I'm stuck in the past
If I were only normal
With no heart on my sleeve
I'd lock my lips forever
And throw away the key.
But sadly I will wander
With out a soul to tell
Who won't use my heart against me
Because they know it so well.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

"The Volcano"

I have always loved Volcanoes...
Drawn by their power and lethal beauty,
I have admired them from afar.
To watch the suddenness of their eruptions,
The unexpected fury with which they indefinitely,
Surely and without mercy melt everything
Which dares to cross the path of their molten rock.
So lovely, the way that lava flows and glows,
So ugly, the way it kills and devours.
The Volcano did intrigue me, and beckon to me.
I've explored dormant Volcanoes before...
Gathered knowledge about them, and enjoyed
Learning how they operated.
I even became aware of their warning signs.
I took pride in the fact that their pyroclastic clouds
Were neither strong, nor fast enough to engulf me.
I almost dared them to, wanting to find a force
Stronger than myself, mighty enough to melt me.
Never did I imagine that I would fall victim to one,
Not me, the one who was such a lover of this natural beauty,
Disregarding the warning in those destructive ways....
Not me, one who was so impenetrable and strong.
But now I understand what he is:
A natural disaster!
Leaving ache in his wake...
Death in his path...
Burn wounds that may be visible for centuries.
I was almost caught in his undertow,
But I have always known supernatural strength.
I waded for a while, and almost fell under,
But at last, as if awakening from a dream,
I gathered my will, and leaped out!
I did not look back.
Beautiful, calling to me, pleading, promising....
But I did not look back. I wandered for days
Into the great unknown,
Unaware of my future,
Not sure how to get home.
He kept calling to me, trying to convince me
That my love had caused him to evolve...
That he was no longer a volcano,
Just a peaceful mountain.
I kept running in my own direction. I remembered.
I chose wisdom over his swooning words.
He fought loudly, then silently, then softly for my return.
Ultimately, his volcanic pride began to build,
And steam arose from the cracks.
Though he tried in new and creative ways,
The volcano was unable to burn me again.
His molten fingers could not touch me.
I was much too far away.
And just then, in that precious moment of epiphany,
I looked ahead...
The haze had dissolved before me,
and I could see so clearly!
I had found my way home,
Safely, at last,
To the welcoming arms
Of solitude.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

"My Lonely Song"

vs 1:
I've heard that you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
I wonder, did I begin to realize as the gulf grew long?
I've been thinkin' that if you would just return for a song,
I'd know once and for all if all these concerns are wrong.

In my private Hell, I can only save myself.

Every sleepless night, I give up the fight.
Every day, you bring me back.
How I wish that I could let this grudge die;
Let love set us back on track.

vs 2:
My deepest fear is that I'll miss the forest for the trees.
My darkest years were spent in pursuit of counterfeit dreams.
When I settled down to ponder it all, I froze;
Overwhelmed by the feeling that I'd already missed the boat.
I'm full of cliches and sad memories and regrets.
I heard what you said, the best of me is something you will never get
But true love would see I'm beautiful just as I am.
I dreamt that you'd be, ultimately, a much stronger man.

In my lonely song, my white knight never comes.

In this dark abyss, have I been remiss?
Why is reconciliation so difficult?
How did I miss the "sorry's" and "I love you's"?
In my stubbornness, I've traded love for a principle.

Every sleepless night, I give up the fight.
Every day, you bring me back.
How I wish that I could let this grudge die.
Will love set us back on track?

In my fragile soul, I'm conflicted and unwhole.


Thursday, January 29, 2009


You know precious little about me.
You're caught in the middle of a fantasy and a dream,
And fairy tales, they do come true only to knights in shiny suits,
And I fear love will never come to you.
I'm caught on the outside looking inward
At a heart (through darkened windows) so in need,
But there is nothing I can say. Your tainted views get in the way,
And I fear you'd not see it if it came...
And shouted, screaming mad, just to be heard,
And doubted, feeling sad; misunderstood,
All wrapped up in a twilight reverie.
Semantics are all that could set it free
...to be, feel, loved for real.
I'm grateful for the cold quiet you gave,
And the chance to let the truth assault me to my face.
Destiny is calling me. It's not just some sick, slanted dream
To know that I have already been healed.
I've tried so hard, selflessly as always
To fit the shards into a perfect puzzle piece.
Enlightened by my codependency,
Semantics are what finally set me free
...to be, feel, loved for real,

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Why why why why why why why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Your Bed"

I feel deceived.
I feel relieved.
I am in pain.
But I feel free.
You criticize.
No compromise.
Constant attack.
You never would
Just let it go.
My past was always
Present so.
I was "used up"
And "incomplete"
And "not enough...",
You said, "...for me."
You cut me down.
I risked so much!
Now I recall
Each tender touch,
And each harsh word,
Each cold silence;
Recall it all,
With such violence.
Now I am done!
I'm spent and worn
My love was true,
Thus, I am torn.
But I must let
My lover fly.
Please, don't return.
Just let it die.
For we are not
I felt the love.
I'm letting go.
It's not enough
This time, I fret.
You've made your bed.
Now lie in it.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

"Too Far Away"

You've been my song
When I've had no breathe.
You've been my shield
From uncertain death.
You've been my shelter
When storms threatened me.
You've been my refuge
When life rings defeat.
But lately, these battles
I fight on my own,
For you cannot fight them
When so far from home.
You have left me here to
Remember the day
When I could fall into
Your arms and be safe.
I know it's not fair to
Expect, want or dream
That you would uproot and
Run so hard to me,
Surrounding me with your
Strong arms and deep soul,
And make me feel happy
And finally whole.
I am being selfish.
Yes, weak is my faith.
My love, I just miss you.
You're too far away.