Death Bed / Garden Song

For each of you who sent love and prayer and good wishes after my heart attack..... I LOVE YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!

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"Death Bed Garden Song"
♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡

Too often, I awoke crying,
I'd mourn after each aching morn.
I'd suffered too many heartaches.
I'd endured such endless scorn.

Love was my gift, wholly given,
Reciprocated unequally.
Unseen its' match, until Heaven.
Content I tried real hard to be.

Mankind is much better at taking.
We love to be loved, and then hide
All of that treasure buried deep.
No desire to give from inside.

A day came when angrily I questioned,
"Why did You leave me HERE?!"
I'd allowed hopelessness to take root.
My love was being choked out by fear.

Before it was time, my heart gave out.
It cracked beneath all the worlds' weight.
"I will never know love like I've given."
Loss and sorrow, they'd weakened my faith.

So, alone and unloved, I sank downward
Into a dank, dark, shallow space.
"Can I please come Home now, dear Jesus,
For You are my one resting place?"

But, morning glories reached down in rescue.
Fireflies beamed, "No, not today."
Nature and God worked together
To dig up my premature grave.

Hummingbirds hummed a sweet lullaby.
Tulips and butterflies joined in.
All toiling in love, beauty, duty;
In want of my life not to end.

Awakened at last, now, I saw it!
Sweet love like I'd not before known.
There, built all around me, a garden
Built by family, friends, love... all my own!

And each of them whispered things to me,
Songs of healing and life to my soul.
Such light radiated from this place.
We joined hands. "We're alive and we're home."

I will never again doubt my purpose.
I was placed here to give and receive love.
"Even down in shadows, unabandoned,
You have held me, strong Father, above.

You've assured me I'm meant to heal here, now,
In this garden that breathes out and in LIFE!"
I will keep giving out all that's been blessed me.
I will live Love and radiate Light.

-- Monica Grossman Wagner -
    Nov. 24, 2018

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Additionally, here are just a few of the things I contemplated, processed, acknowledged, learned, decided while I had plenty of time to think, stuck for days in a hospital bed, unable to move or lift my head.  Thanksgiving was the hardest, and the most affective.  You are not alone or hopeless, ever.......

  ☆ contemplating rejection is a long, downward spiral
  ☆ recognizing unrequited love (one-sided) is a very dark place to wake up
  ☆ realizing mankind's natural tendency to seek self above all else sucks
  ☆ questioning God's higher ways, and battling temptation to mistrust Him is real
  ☆ Realizing my heart was weaker than I thought, thus, subsequently, it broke was both humiliating and liberating, simultaneously.
  ☆ the tempting lie of death as an escape is relentless
  ☆ Angelic deliverance is stronger, and timelessly persistent
  ☆ Requited, Divine Love truly DOES exist and is indestructible
  ☆ Hope is constant and quietly there, waiting to be noticed and subscribed to
  ☆ Salvation is pursuant and inescapable
  ☆ Predestination is.  We each have Divine purpose.

Despair, prayer and.... hope.

I am presently being hit with multiple tidal waves of tribulation that no one but God is fully aware of.  I have reached, yet again in my life, what feels like my absolute breaking point.  I feel I cannot take one more wave, or I will surely drown.  I cried out to God on my knees in deep despair this morning, knowing He is not the cause of any of this, but that He is walking with me through it.  I asked Him for help out of what seems like a hopeless and desolate place, but then realized... the very fact that I am able to pray to Him is more valuable than anything I have lost or could ever gain!  Prayer in and of itself is my rescue, even before the answers come.  It is more valuable than escape, this hope, and more valuable than showers of blessings.  Even if everyone and everything I love is ripped away from me, I will still maintain my Faith in Jesus Christ, who is God, my personal Savior and my very reason for existence.  If all I have left is my Faith, that is enough.  But I also have hope.  And I have Love... eternal, Divine Love.  I have everything.

He gave me a song a few minutes ago, and I am posting it now, though it is not complete.  I am still working with some of the lyrics, and it doesn't yet have a title.  I have the piano and melody down, I think.  It is soothing.  I am going to put what little energy I have left at this point into fine-tuning it, for Him.  And for me.  And for you.

I hope if you are presently sinking in depression, fear or hardship, you will read these lyrics and feel less alone.  Because you are not ever alone.  And you are never unloved.

~ Monica


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 In the morning when I rise,
And You're the only sun I see...
In the darkest of the night,
And You're the only dream I dream...
In the quiet of my life,
And You're the only song I sing...
I have everything.
I have everything.

When I'm lost and tossed aside,
And no one hears my screams...
When my soul has grown too tired,
And I'm ripping at the seams...
When the rest have closed their eyes,
You never turn from me.
I have everything.
I have everything.

I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
And that's enough.

In the desert, cold and tired,
You faced the enemy.
In the garden where you cried,
No one stayed with Thee.
On a cross of hate and lies,
You gave blood and life so we...
We'd have everything.

You broke the curse, rewrote the shame,
Into a song of hope.  You came and saved... me.
You saved eternity.

You changed everything.
You are everything.


I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
I have Jesus.
And that's enough.

Unity in Christ Vision

I had this one about two weeks ago. It hit me powerfully and unexpectedly.

(Start)
I was surrounded with shades of black and gray.  I was praying and weeping.  I felt so alone, even though I knew this is not the Truth.  I told God, "Sometimes I feel like I am so alone in this world!  I am an alien and stranger, here!  No one gets me, but You.  Few use their free will and time wisely, including me.  This world is so broken and backwards.  The modern Church is so asleep, spiritually.  I feel I am alone in this battle and quest for righteousness that is lived out in spite of circumstance.  No one truly lives Love, God!  Is there anyone out there who understands Your heart?  I weep for you, God.  I weep for me.  I am alone, here, except for You."

I told God that even though I feel alone, I will fight with all my might to grow in Faith, obedience and mad love for Jesus.  I told Him I would continue to praise and worship Him, even if I was the only one on Earth doing so.  I wept.  I buried my face in my hands and thanked Him for even the trials, because I trust Him to use ALL things for my good.  I asked God for reprieve from heartache.  I begged Him.  I was on my knees, hunched over to the ground, face and tears covered with my hands, resolving myself to this spiritual solitude.

As I lay like this, curled in a ball, I suddenly saw a cross, eyes closed.  It was a shadow, at first.  It began to come into my mind's eye more clearly, and it was huge!!  Massive.  I felt God was reminding me of Jesus' ultimate act of Love for me.  I saw myself weeping at the foot of the cross.  I was reaching my arms and eyes up to the Heavens above before the giant cross which was now illuminated, somehow.  The sky was dark with endless, billowing, angry clouds.  Behind me was a vast, heavy blackness.  I wanted to climb it desperately.  I wanted to escape the heavy, black abyss behind me.  I wanted desperately to climb up the cross, but I couldn't.  I was too small.  Too weak.  So, I resolved myself to worship in solitude.

Suddenly, peace washed over me like a wave of extreme energy and calm, all at once!  I felt God speak to my heart in this moment.  He told me to look around me.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to keep worshipping before the giant cross.  Rays of light began to shoot out in beams from the cross.  This illuminated the darkness on the ground immediately in front of the cross, and not far away, I saw another figure reaching up to the sky and the cross, just like me.  I looked to the other side, and saw a figure of a person there, as well.  I was shocked that they were there.  I hadn't noticed them before.  And they hadn't noticed me. I looked beyond them, and saw a line of many people stretching in both directions, all with arms raised to God, like me.  All in tears, mourning their solitude. 

There was an opening in the dark clouds above the cross.  Not a huge opening, but there was the brightest, white light pouring down from the heavens, even more illuminating the cross, and all of us at it's base.  The figures were silouettes without detail, as was I.  We had human form, but that's all I could see about the people on both sides of me.  We became aware of each other.  We were all shocked that we were not alone. 

The cross instantly became magnetic.  It began pulling us in closer to each other.  We became a united mass of figures being pulled together close.  We began to be pulled upward, up the base of the cross.  We swirled up the bottom section of the cross.  When we reached the arms of the cross, we were so happy and united in the knowing that God loves us and was pulling us up towards heaven!  We turned from dark, faceless figures into actual lights, tons of them, swirling around the base, up the trunk, around the arms up the top.  So much light... Beautiful and sparkling.  Swirling.  A beautiful dance of souls, together in our unconditional love for God. 

There was still that endless black emptiness behind us, but we became only focused on the light which was beaming even brighter now through the clouds of the heavens.  This was our only focus. The unseen power kept lifting us higher... higher... swirling lights.  A beautiful melody was in the air, with multiple voices in harmony, singing a melody of praise.  We were rising away from the endless darkness.  We were now high above it.  We were glimmering.  God was pleased with us. There was such togetherness.  Such Peace!  Joy!  Unity!  Praise you, God!  Thank You!
(End)

I left my prayer time with big Holy Spirit goosebumps.  He was speaking to my spirit.  I heard (not audibly, but with my spiritual ears), "You are not alone!  You already know that I AM always with you, but the time has come for you to become aware that you have brothers and sisters who feel just as alone as you did.  This is a quiet, sneaky lie of the prince of darkness.  Resist it.  It cannot touch you.  It can only decieve you.  But, I am the Way, Truth and Life.  I've come to strengthen you."

We are NOT alone.  God is uniting us in our exaltation of Him, and lifting us from the darkness.  We are being pulled upwards, together!  Rejoice. Revival is near!!!

Boys

I am raising gentle warriors.

Now that my oldest child, my daughter, has graduated highschool and gone to college , I am left at home being mom to two teenage boys.

For most of their lives, my two boys have been raised by a single mom (me, to be clear).  This has not been easy, especially considering the fact that I am such a sensitive person. But I can see how God is using even my softness to mold my boys.

Life has handed both of them hardships in their pasts. But they are such strong individuals. And I know that they are going to use those hardships to become wiser and stronger, someday.  I've no doubt, whatsoever.  The growth and character that I am seeing in them make me feel so at peace with the future that God has for them.  I just know they are going to do great things for this world.

I definitely believe in the power of women. I am a very, very strong one, although, a very sensitive one. Sensitivity doesn't make one weak.  It makes one wise.  But, I also believe in the power of men!  There are so many wonderful characteristics that I do not possess that my boys and husband do. I am so thankful for their gifts that are so different than mine.  God's design is just so perfect and balanced.  I feel that men and women need to acknowledge each other's strengths and weaknesses, and encourage them! 

I have definitely noticed a difference between boys and girls in my relationship with my boys. They're each a little bit different from each other, too... Okay, a lot different.  But they are also completely different than I am.  All of us appreciate the differences in the dynamic that we have, and that is why I truly believe that there does not need to be segregation between male and female to the point where one needs to be demonized. They are such beautiful people.  There can be no competition between the sexes, when they are both so beautiful and so different. It would be like comparing a rainbow to a waterfall.

I don't know what in the world I would do without my precious boys.  I can't tell you how many times they have been there for me when I was low, and my protectors when I was weak.  And I know they would say the exact same thing about me.  A family is a unit. We are all work together to be the best unit we can be. .....I wish the world was more like that.  All of this competing and comparing is dragging us down as a people.

I know that God is helping me raise these boys to be strong.  I am so very thankful for God's leadership in my parenting of them!  I would never be able to do it without Him.  They're going to do really great things.

If you are a mom of boys, consider yourself extremely blessed. You have an opportunity to show them how to be empathetic, while still being the men that they are. You have an opportunity to make this world a better place in the way that you raise your boys.  My suggestion to you when times get tough with them, as they will, I guarantee you... keep being you, while continuing to encourage them to be who they are.  Never take that away from them.  Help them to see the full picture.  It is up to us to nurture compassion, while encouraging strength.  It is not easy in today's times; but with God's help, you can do anything, and do it well.  We've got this. ❤️

The Shift

I, and many of you, are noticing that many of us are experiencing a spiritual shift right now. Some of you are seeing it and some of you are actually feeling it within yourselves.  I have been feeling it within myself, and want to talk about it for a minute, to encourage you on this journey and let you know you are not alone.

When the shift begins to happen within you, you might face some opposition, both from outside sources and from within yourself. Historically, change doesn't come about without resistance.  So, if the change that you see growing within you is a good thing, then I would just suggest that you try to feel encouraged when you encounter resistance!  That means that you are on the right path.

It is super important for you to be covered in prayer. You don't necessarily need to acquire it from outside sources (though it definitely helps), unless you are not able to pray, yourself. But all of us have the ability to pray, if we can just get past our walls, insecurities and faithlessness.  Reach out to your Creator, speaking to Him directly; asking for His covering, protection and enlightenment.  We can do this for ourselves AND we can do this for others. This is the best gift that we can give to anyone, including ourselves.

As you shift, you will notice that everything changes, from your desires, to your interests, to your entire way of thinking.  When you see this happen it will either make you feel excited or afraid. Don't be afraid of the unknown.  God is doing a good work in you, and he will be faithful to complete it.  This is a promise that he has made to us in Scripture.  It is written upon our hearts.

Listen carefully to His voice. You will know God's voice when you hear it within your being.  It is not something that you typically hear with your ears, and it is not something that mirrors your normal emotions, thoughts or feelings.  It is much stronger. And God's voice will never ask of you things that are not morally right. The shift that you experience with God will only cause you to want to do good, and to spread that good to others.

Be aware. Be aware of the things of this world and also the things of Eternity, and find your ability to discern between the two.  Put your focus on the things of God, not on the things of this world.  If you do this, you will begin to feel a deep sense of inner peace that no words can describe.  When you sense this, you will know you are on the right path.

God's way is the only way, IF what your heart of hearts wants is to have ETERNAL success.  Best wishes on your journey!!!  This is a very exciting time.

Be a Blessing

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
- Galatians 6:9

Don't give up.  It is easy to become tired of doing good when we are doing good solely for the response that we wish to receive.  But if we do good without any expectation, and we do it solely for the sake of being a blessing, it's not as easy to become tired of it.

Doing good is addictive. I talk a lot about the mind and the power of thought. When we do good for others, it gives our minds an actual scientifically proven physical reaction. The naturally resulting dopamine pings in our brain remind us that we feel good when we do good for others.  This is the reason that giving truly does feel better than receiving.  If you find yourself in a place where you are doing most of the giving, then be grateful! Because you are not only blessing the other person, you are actually blessing yourself, as well.  Don't stop!

Kindness is contagious.  Selfishness is not.  Both are a choice.  Most people do not set out to be selfish.  Most have good intentions, initially.  Choice comes into play with doing good works when your good works become expected and/or taken for granted.  It can become harder to give when you realize you are giving to a taker.  This is not to say that you should not give to someone who is not grateful, it is just to remind you that their gratitude is not the point. Your kindness will catch on.  You WILL see the fruits of your actions when you give, even if it takes more time then you wish for it to.  Not that that is the point... just sayin'.

Observe your good works.  Find something genuinely nice to say to the grouchy person ahead of you in line, and observe how you both feel, afterwards.  Give a homeless man a sandwich and some encouraging words and observe how you both feel.  Give your spouse a random hug and kiss and observe how you both feel.  Serve a snack to your child and ask them about their day and observe how you both feel.  Call a friend and ask how they are doing (and really listen to them) and observe how you both feel.  Compliment a stranger and give them a genuine smile and observe how you both feel.  Most times, both parties will feel very positive things.  And if one of the parties does not, chances are the other party does. So you have a 50-50 chance of making someone feel really good today, even if it is just you.

Speak life!  Random acts of kindness are on the rise.  You are not the only one.  Be an intrigal part of the kindness movement.  Practicing the "Golden Rule" makes this world a happier place to be, for you, and for others.  Be a blessing today, in some small way.  It will be worth it.  Know that your actions DO make an impact on this world.  Be a blessing.

Money and Madness

I am writing this while contemplating the fact that money seems to drive everything in today's culture.  We need it to survive, but it can easily become "god-like", to any one of us.  There's too fine a line between want and need, these days.  But, when it is earned, it is owed.  That brings me to the point of this post.

I think of my father, who has been a pastor for a very small church for decades, and has received a very small amount of pay for many years.  He serves God and his country, both previously in the military, and now as a law enforcement Chaplain and a Pastor.  My Dad is a selfless Patriot.  He chose his current profession because God called him to be a helper. 

He served in Korea as an M.P. in the Army around 1968/69 when "Agent Orange" was present. He was exposed to it. He has had a multitude of health issues, including diabetes, severe asthma, and multiple heart attacks with pursuant surgeries that were extremely life threatening.  All but one of his comrades have died because of this deadly chemical exposure, which was required of them by their service to the U.S. government during that time.  He has yet to receive ANY veteran pay or commendation for his duties, at the age of 70.  He filed for V.A. pay many years ago, but keeps getting lost in their shuffle of paperwork and excuses.

This is so disheartening.  I feel like our priorities in this country are completely out of whack.  My father earned his pay as a Veteran but is not receiving any of it due to "lack of interest" in humanity.

Agendas have become more important than people. Money has become more important than morals.  We need to value mankind.  We should value and adequately reward our Veterans.  Something must be done.  It starts with us.

Focus on the Good

A couple of days ago, I was praying to God and asking Him how come He doesn't just nuke this whole entire world. It is so bad!  There are so many people who desire to do evil!  It is disheartening to me, so I can only imagine how disheartening it is to our Creator to see the choices and actions of mankind, and all of the destruction that results.  He spoke back to my heart, instantly.

When I said, "The world is bad", He said, "No.  It is not.  It is good." ... This was not what I was expecting to hear from Him. Then He said to me, "There is so much good.  Even more good than there is bad. It is just harder to see. You need to focus on the good. You need to look for it."

WOW!!!!

God really thinks the world is good?!?!  He still has Hope in us?  If He sees it this way, then I must, too.

I have become aware that conscious thought is necessary. I need to choose to dwell on the good and not on the bad. The bad can seem so much larger, because the good is not in our faces everyday.

I believe that we can train our minds and create a conscious shift. If we acknowledge the good when it happens and choose to open our thoughts to it, then, close our thoughts to any of the negative... if we do this on a consistent basis, change can happen in us.  And if change happens in us, change can happen in ALL of us! 

Let's shift our thoughts and change our world.

Focus on the good.

Hold on to Hope

What does one do when they have all the internal tools for change, but zero hope? The Logical answer would be that it does not matter how you feel, if you have the psychological tools.  But that logical answer discounts the fact that feelings DO matter.  Feelings matter a great deal.  Feelings affect everything.  And without hope, there isn't much spark to the fuse to action.

There are a lot of things in this world that take away our hope.  We see them on a daily basis. From the news, to daily life, to how we see people completely disregard other people so easily, and seemingly without conscience. In these daily instances and interactions, our hope is diminished. This, consequently, diminishes our will to act.

So, what if we DO have the tools, but we do not have the will or the emotional strength required to use them?  I believe that this is one of the number one tools the enemy uses to cause us to be numb and complacent and defeated. He loves to take away our hope and see us fail.

In my personal life, there are things that have completely depleted my sense of ability to possess hope. I have lost nearly everything this past year, and I'm still facing some giant obstacles and trials ahead. In my human weakness, I really don't see a lot of hope. But then I have to ask myself, what is hope, and where does it come from?

The spiritual definition of Hope is: the trusting expectation that God will keep His word.  If I believe in God, and I believe that His word is true, then I must believe that there is hope!

Belief is a choice, therefore, Hope is a choice. This is a statement that I do not make easily. I am a very emotional person.  What I feel impacts my life on a very deep level. It is hard for me to make choices in spite of feelings.  But this is something that God is showing me that I need to truly work on in order to have the best quality of life. I need to acknowledge that hope is a choice, that hope is a gift, and that hope is always there for me, as long as I choose to reach out and grab it.

Nothing in this world has ever been accomplished without hope. Hold on to it. And if you don't have it, choose it.  Your life will transform. I truly believe this with all of my heart, and will be reporting back to you on my own results.

When nothing seems to be going your way, and when you feel that you are up against the mightiest mountain, hold on and press forward!!!! Hold on to Hope.  If you have nothing to begin with, then you have nothing to lose. Hope will get us through to the Finish Line.

Shallow Things

I have thought about often over the years how we as modern day humans focus most or all of our attention on things that don't matter in the "Big Picture" of life.  I believe now more than ever that we were not placed here for our own entertainment or pleasure. We have become so distracted by media and influences and worries about what others may think about us, that we have lost sight of what truly matters as a society.  We are created as Eternal beings. What is our Legacy?  Have we done a wonderful job at imparting it?  Or have we hidden our Truth in order to not be frowned upon, and in order to protect ourselves?  Has our focus become what other people think of us?  How much money we make?  What profession we have? Where we live?  What we possess?  Is our subconscious primary focus upon the acceptance from others?  Is it shallow?

God, who created you, created you for so much more. Are you making an impact positively on this world, or are you just existing? Are you just living to please others and fulfill what they believe is the best for your own life?  Or, living for just your own wants and whims?  Are you living to uphold the image you wish to portray?  Are you living in a way that is deeply imbedded in self?  We need to look a lot deeper. A whole lot deeper. Human beings are Spiritual Beings. But we don't see ourselves as that. We get so lost in the things of this world, that we lose sight of our Eternal purpose. I, for one, am so done with all of that!  I want to live in such a way that God, Himself, would be pleased.  I want to live in such a way that those around me would see nothing but Love and Light.  Otherwise, what point is there for me to be at all?  Life, alone, is not the point.  It is what we do with it.

I truly believe we should all be asking ourselves this question. Then, answer honestly to ourselves. And then... reach out to GOD and ask Him for answers, whether we believe He will answer back, or not.  If we do this with a genuinely open heart, I can assure you... God will answer you.  We will begin to be enlightened.

Please, let us all live with purpose!  And let us know better than to be consumed by the darkness that is ever so present in our age, but let us be filled with the Holy Spirit, and be guided by only LOVE.

Yes, I know, deep thoughts on this ordinary Thursday evening. That is all I had to share this evening, and it was very heavy on my heart.  I really felt I had to try to convey this thought: If we all disregard the deeper things for the shallow things, we will all sink, together.

Dad...

I am a Pastor's daughter.  This has come with both heartache and joy.  But I think I may be one of the rare few individuals in this life who absolutely hit the jackpot! 

My Dad is a giver.  I want to be like him.  It doesn't matter if he is tired, mentally weary, or depressed... he gives.  Even if the gifter does not appreciate it at the time, or ever, he faithfully gives.  Even if he is chastised for being too "soft" (which is in contrast to his years before becoming a Christian), he gives.  Even if he hasn't much, he gives.  He gives everything!  Time, energy, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, empathy and wisdom (the list goes on).  All the eternally lasting things.  He can't help it.  He just gives.  I can relate, but on a less conscious level.  My Dad seems to give even when it hurts him personally.  Wow. Now, THAT is love. 

I want to be just like you, Dad!  Thank you for showing me how to be a good person.  Thank you for being an extraordinarily exemplary dad to me, and grandpa to my kids.  I owe everything I am to God, who you personally introduced me to at a very young age.  My knowledge of scripture and introduction to Jesus are priceless gifts you gave to me.

I love you for so many reasons.  But the way you are so giving makes me see Christ in you in a real, daily, genuine way. I am forever grateful to God for making me your daughter.

Recent Vision about Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was up in the mountains praying, when right in the middle of it, a negative thought interrupted my beautiful prayer time. I was able to recognize instantly that this was not a thought I wanted, needed, or even should entertain, so I consciously chose to shut it out of my mind and went on with my prayer.  But God interrupted me this time and asked me to pay attention to what it felt like when I shut that unwanted thought off.  I told him it felt a lot like just closing a sliding door on it, hearing the swoosh and click and knowing it was gone. That is when he gave me the analogy of the drive-thru window. It seems like such a silly little metaphor, but I got it!  God speaks to us all exactly where we are, and in exactly the ways that we can understand. He speaks to all who will have ears to hear.

~~~

Part 1: Choosing Our Thoughts

I am sitting in the restaurant at the drive-thru window waiting for the next order to pull up.  I am the employee in this vision, and I represent free-will.  The cars that pull up represent thought.  Since I have been trained by my awesome boss, God, to be discerning, I can know which thoughts I want to take orders from and which ones I do not.  If a thought pulls up that I know I do not want to entertain or should not entertain, I simply close the window on it.  The thought cannot speak to me any longer.  I can still see it sitting there waiting, but it can't communicate with me. The only way it can speak to me is if I choose to open the window again. If I choose to leave the window closed, the thought eventually leaves.  Sometimes, before it has left, I choose to open the window back up to that thought, but when I realized I do not like the order, I close the window again.  Sometimes, the opening and closing of the window has to go on for a while until I really get that this is not an order that I would like to take.  And I do not have to take it!  It is my choice.  So, swish goes the window and up goes my inner peace.  Additionally, when a good thought pulls up, I can take its order and leave the window open as long as I want/need to.  Again, it is up to me (free-will).

Part 2: God-guided Prayer

When I get really experienced and adept at my job at the drive-thru, God-guided prayers start to pull up to the window.  (Side note:  God showed me that there is not a large difference between thought and prayer. They are similar but not the same. Thoughts can creep in subconsciously, while prayer is a conscious choice and a giving to God of our time and attention. He also showed me that with further training, we can be much more conscious of thought, and become much more in tune to the Holy Spirit through constant prayer). When a God-guided prayer pulls up to the window, I recognize it instantly, as I know what those feel like because of my previous, extensive training. These God-guided prayers always align with the Bible, come in quite unexpectedly, and really stand out from the others; much like a fancy sports car would in a drive drive-thru line.  These God-guided prayers I know with certainty I want to open the window for.  But, now I feel insecure and unworthy.  What if I don't feel I have anything of value to offer?  And why does God need little ol' drive-thru worker ME (you) to affect any change?  God showed me that my prayer is like the oil that powers the engine. God is omnipotent and does not need my prayers to act, right? No!! Wrong. Yes, He is the only Omnipotent (All-powerful), and as such, He has chosen to give us free-will.  God has, therefore, chosen with His Divine will to be limited in our Earthly realm to our humanly free-will.  If I do not take the order and send the car on its way, God may not be able to act as efficiently.  He may be limited to divine intervention, which I do not feel he imparts on a regular basis, because of the gift of free-will. The scripture that comes to mind is "you have not because you ask not".  So yes, He does need our prayers!  NEEDS them!  The Bible says He "covets our prayers"!!! They are the oil that sends the fancy sports car roaring on it's awesome way.  Wow.  The Power of Prayer takes on new meaning when we grasp this.

Part 3:  Praying in the Spirit

God showed me that I do not need to be afraid of what I will pray for, because I am well trained by this point in recognizing these God guided prayers. I have asked him to come into my heart and be God of my life.  I have finally reached that place of full surrender and been promoted to  manager (this would be what some call "sanctification", or having a pure heart, or "the second act of Salvation".  I call it Full Surrender/Spiritual Awakening.) I am now Discerning because of His Holy Spirit.  I will only desire to ask for the things that are of God. And I will end each prayer request to God with, "Your Will be done". I will not want to pray for things that are evil to happen.  If I do want to pray for things that are evil, then that means I need to be retrained at my job because I have demoted myself with my own choices.  Maybe even demoted myself to mopping floors and scrubbing toilets (been there!!). God showed me that there are two types of employees (read: free-will): a) Employees that have to learn the hard way because of their choices.  Some learn faster than others. b) Employees that excel because they make choices that may be contrary to their own will, but submit to God's will anyway. 

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Thoughts and PRAYER were the point of this Vision.  Effective prayer.  Prayer without ceasing.  Learn to control your thoughts so that your prayers can be more effective, and have room to move into position.  Pray.  Pray some more.  Then pray some more.  And some more.  Fuel that racecar! Be a Prayer Warrior.

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1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV) Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:26-28 (NLT) And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. James 4:2-3 (NIV) You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. Proverbs 15:29 (NIV) "The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous". Psalm 145:18-19 (GNT) "He is near to those who call to him, who call to him with sincerity.  He supplies the needs of those who honor him; He hears their cries and saves them."

Judgmentalism

Confession...

I am judgemental of judgmental people.

I find myself having very little patience for people who have a "holier-than-thou" attitude.  I loathe a divisive spirit. When I see people putting themselves up on a pedestal because they feel more righteous than others, and therefore look down on them and treat them like they are bad human beings just for being human beings, it fills me with such anger. 

I recall reading in the Bible about how Jesus referred to the Pharisees as vipers. He called them whitewashed sepulchres, which are beautiful tombs on the outside but inside, contain dead bones.  So, I know he did not like a judgemental spirit, either.  He made it pretty clear.

Please note: I am not talking about having good/bad judgement, or discerning fruits. What I am talking about is "judgmentalism", if that is even a word.   Here is a hypothetical analogy/example.  I am blessed to go to a church where this is not the norm, and our congregation is populated by people who refuse to judge, but instead, embrace all:
Sally is a beautiful woman who goes to church every Sunday, has a good job and is a leader in her community. People look up to Sally because she appears to be so perfect, holy, whatever.  But when Sally goes to work at her sales job, she regularly tells lies to meet her sales quota.  She also gossips at work, regularly.  Sally has a friend named Joe, who struggles in his life with an addiction.  Joe only makes it to church once every few months, and whenever he does, Sally looks down her nose at him.  She can smell the alcohol on his breath when he goes to greet her after church. She can see that he hasn't washed his hair in days. The whole encounter only last a few moments each time he does make it to church, and she quickly concludes the transaction between them by telling him she will pray for him (which she rarely, if ever, does).  Soon, Joe becomes disheartened.  He is depressed, and tired of feeling judged.  He stops attending church, and turns his back on Christianity. Sally never even took the time to sit with him and talk to him in depth about his feelings or his past, or the reasons "why" behind the addiction. She simply looked at the action, thanked God that she did not have the same weaknesses, and placed herself up on a spiritual pedestal.  She is somehow able to justify her own lies, but is unable to be unconditionally loving, humble and kind.  Who is more wrong in this scenario?

But here is the point of this post....

Should I even be concerned with who is more wrong? Is my anger at Sally simply being judgemental, myself?  Or is it how I handle my feelings around this that determines whether or not I am being judgemental?  Shouldn't I be patient with those who are judgemental? Or should I call them out on it like Jesus did?  Where do we draw the line?  I feel that judgemental people are spiritual bullies.  And I really struggle with these feelings.

These are things I am praying about, sincerely. I am open to any and all input on this matter. I truly want to grow, and that starts with owning my own weaknesses.

Judgmentalism makes me crazy! 😜  You know what I think? I think being judgeMENTAL is mental!  It is all bad, and is rooted in Pride.  I think I would rather grow in LOVE.  I am praying that God shows me how to do this better.