Yes, it's a new post! No, I am not dead!

Hey, everyone! I moved the beginning of July to a new city - new job - new life altogether. Things have been awfully busy, so I haven't had the time, nor the $$ to get my computer hooked up yet. I probably won't for a while, mainly because RL is time consuming enough in itself right now. Anyhow, I miss all of you (all my online friends, and people who like to stay in touch mainly by computer). If you want to reach me, here's a thought... pick up the phone!!!! My cell number is still the same. And I would love to hear from you.

I am not involved in a band yet, a worship team, or anything musical in my new home. It sucks. I have no outlet. I haven't even been writing, and it is taking it's toll on me. I feel like I am going to explode inside. I think I may soon resort to doing the unthinkable... picking up an actual utensil for writing, and a piece of paper, and working things out the hard way. It will be painful, but a needed release, I think. It's funny how much you take something for granted until it is no longer a part of your every day reality. It is then that you realize what once was banal, time reveals to be cherished.

Talk to you soon! God bless.

"I Will Not Let You Down"

When you feel afraid,
When your dreams start to fade,
When your worries are on a roll.
When you feel alone,
When you can’t find your way home,
Just remember, I’m in control.

I will not let you down.
I will not let you down .
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

When times are a bit tough,
When your road is way too rough,
When heartache’s all you can feel;
Those are the times I’m there.
Those are the times I care the most.
I’ll protect you; I’ll be your shield!

I will not let you down.
I will not let you down.
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

People will say
You can make it on your own,
But you know I’m the Way,
And my arms will carry you home!

I will not let you down.
I will not let you down .
Nothing can take away My love.
I’m watching you from above.
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

"Letting Go"

I will let go of it all;
Familiar needs that make me fall,
Broken dreams that make me hide,
Fear that makes me draw inside.
I will release all my will,
And let Your Spirit truly fill
Every dark part I have veiled.
You’re the One who has not failed
To be there all along the way;
To show me that You never change;
To teach me Love unconditional;
To grow my faith and show me hope.
I feel You with me, guiding me
Into unknown territory.
I’ve held on to things that can’t
Give the peace I know I want,
Things like love and loss and dreams.
I see I’m too wrapped up in me.
I will let go of this pride.
I refuse to run and hide.
The past is past. Let newness fall.
Today I’ll let go of it all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will be moving in 2 weeks to another place... new job, new home, no comfort of familiarity - just a fresh start and a new perspective. In letting go of my home and current workplace, I have come to some deeper conclusions. Location is not the only thing I need to let go of. And so I am releasing the things I stubbornly held onto in yearning for stability, and embracing the unknown. I feel afraid, unstable and insecure; but I know that God has led me here. He has made it clear, over the past few months, that this is the direction He wants me to take. So I will go, with nothing but my faith.

I will probably be offline for a long while, as of 2 weeks from today (or maybe a little sooner). So please do not think I have vanished when you see that I have not been online for a while. I am still here - just growing and learning as much as possible, offline.

I love you. God loves you. You have a purpose. Let go, and grow.

All That Means Anything

This evening, I was outside looking at the beautiful dusk sky. I felt the light, summer breeze touch my hair, and listened to it rustling the tall trees that kiss the sky. I noticed a few stars, and a crescent moon that were just beginning to decorate the early night. I inhaled deeply, and suddenly a feeling of peace washed over me. All of a sudden, I realized my brow had been creased, and my shoulders had been so tense before that moment. I realized I had been allowing myself to stress about things that were beyond my control. Little things, that don't REALLY matter. So I let them slip from my mind. And then a song I wrote a while back came into my mind, and I begin to sing it's words over and over (not out loud, or the neighbors would have thought I was nutso). It is my new mantra, as I embark on this new journey. I admit that I am scared about the future. But God is in control, because I let Him be. Besides, it's really not about me, anyway. It's all about Him. I am going to consciously choose to let go of everything else, and focus on all that means anything.
~~~~~~

"All That Means Anything"

When I stop to think about what really matters
I realize it’s all about You.
There are so many earthly things You’ve granted
But all that means anything is You.
I spend so much of my time wasted
On the things that mean nothing at all.
So I look to You right now for some Truth,
‘Cause all that means anything is You.

"Fork in the Road"

I have been on this dark path for a while now...
What a strengthening, insightful,
Agonizing journey it has been!
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But as I peer ahead through this dusk,
I see a fork in the road.
There are now two choices ahead of me.
One path continues on through heavy shadows.
And like the path I have known for sometime now,
There are walls crowding in on each side;
Looming, suffocating, and unfriendly.
But the new path has no walls...
No steady stillness of solitude,
No relentless chill of shame,
No nagging whisper of regret
No ominous feeling of entrapment;
Only fresh air, sunshine, newness
And an air of possibility.
This journey has taught me a lot.
The dark path has taken me
Places I needed to go, to grow.
But I think, as I look ahead at my options,
That it is time to change course.
I think I am going to go
In a different direction for a while.
I will step out in faith and boldness,
To explore unknown places and new possibilities.
I want to discover life in a new light,
Which until now, I have been unable to see
In my darkness.
I approach this fork in the road with intrepidation,
But I know what I must do.
I may be making the wrong choice,
But if I don't step forth and take this risk,
I will always wonder.
Here I go...

"Untrue"

I want that which I cannot have.
I crave that which I cannot touch.
I need that which I hate to feel.
I cannot feel, nor love this much,
And not be swimming in my guilt.
And not be drowning in my loss.
And not be aching from this flaw.
I cannot help but count the cost.
If I chose you I will fall.
If I chose you I will break.
If I chose you I will lose.
I cannot love you and not ache.
You only see from your small view.
You only love me in your way.
You only give if you see fit.
You cannot give, but you can take.
You do not mean to hurt me so.
You do not mean to break my heart.
You do not mean to take this soul.
And rip my resolve all apart.
You say someday we may be one.
You say for now it is just you.
You say I matter, but alas,
My dream is already untrue.

~~~~~
I may know the road I am on leads to righteousness and an eternal resting place in Love... but here on earth, I ache sometimes. Eventually, the ache will fade... I just need to get strong again and look up.

"Love"

I can’t get it out of my head;
This want and aching need.
I know you are all that will fill.
I know You are all that is real.
You are true. You are forever.
Love is You.
But I can’t get this out of my
Stubborn mind.
I can’t stop wondering,
Wishing,
Dreaming,
And asking, “Why?”.
Take the doubt,
And replace the gaping hole
With contentment.
Take the shame,
And replace the void that is
My whole life large
With Humility.
Remind my spirit in the
Gentle way You do,
That Love is all I need.
And I already have it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Behold the things I have for you", saith the Lord. "Plans to prosper you. Plans for hope and a future."

What a wonderful promise from my Heavenly Father. I think I will hold onto that one. Now THAT is love! The way He loves me so unconditionally... so always... so deeply - I feel it in the depths of my being, and I am filled with such peace. I loathe myself for ever wishing for anything more or different than this! He is so faithful to me! I will be faithful to Him, with everything in me. It is my passion to be perpertually falling in love with Jesus.

"Silent & Still"

I haven’t heard from You in a while.
I just realized why.
I haven’t stopped and listened, and really tried to hear.
I haven’t really been silent and still.

I can’t count the times I’ve felt sorry for myself
For the answers I didn’t hear.
I pray for solutions, I pray for Your will,
But I haven’t really listened,
I haven’t really been silent and still.

I will not hear Your sweet voice if I’m doing all the talking.
I will not see Your will unless I close my eyes to mine.
I will not know the peace that comes from the power one can feel,
Unless I close my eyes, open my heart and be…
Silent and still.

Reflections on Marriage

"Resigned"

I resign myself to it.
I design a new way to feel.
I resolve to never let this go.
I dissolve my fears with force.
Holy Matrimony;
Sanctimonious Vow.
Love is unconditional;
I'm resigned to learn how.
I cannot shed a tear these days.
I cannot gaze at you and shine.
Oh, for deep and genuine bliss.
Curse the eye that sees beneath.
You don't understand me.
You confound me so.
But love is unconditional,
And so I won't let go.
With resolve,
I'm resigned.

I get asked a lot, "Why are you single??" As if it is this really terrible condition, like leprosy. Some assume it is because I have children, and men don't like that. Some assume there must be something very wrong with me, and I can't keep a relationship. But the simple fact is, I am single because I choose to be. It is not easy, nor is it fun. But it is where I need to be right now. I wrote the song I posted above years back, during a time in which every day was heartache and tears. I can remember vividly how it hurt going to bed alone night after night, and yet waking up day after day under that black cloud, married to the enemy. I tried so hard and chose and pushed for us, and did all the things a person does to "make" things work (like giving, humility, sacrifice, counseling with various preachers and therapists, and many other things), but ultimately, without two people choosing to love (even when feelings don't follow) and without two people choosing commitment and showing true commitment through action, there is no glue. And without God as the foundation of it all, the house will surely crumble. And mine did. I look back on it and wish I could have somehow held it all together and lived that fairy tale life, where everyone was happy and mommy and daddy were both home and in love (as if that exists). But I don't have that power! And the humbling reality is, sometimes when we make choices outside of God's will to start off with, so many people wind up suffering for them later on. I don't want to make any more choices that He doesn't want me to make. I have been accused of being overly cautious, but I am praying for God's will and will settle for nothing less. I am praying He opens my eyes to knowing when the timing is right for love. Until then, I am content to be alone, growing in the Lord (I am so thankful for this time of pruning!), and learning from the past. Learning the things I need to learn in order to be the best wife I can be... forever... someday.

"Grow"

I try to be bigger than who I am,
And wind up looking down on my small self.
I cannot grow beyond my limitations
Without that growth being divinely appointed.
I can push and yearn and strive and force,
But one can only stretch so far before breaking;
Unless there is help of a supernatural nature.
I know that God wants me to grow,
But the ways in which He wishes me to expand
Are frequently so vastly differing
From the development I seem to seek.
Jesus knows me best.
I don’t know myself at all.
And I don’t love myself like He loves me,
Nor half as much.
So I will let go of my selfish wants.
I will submit and be lowly and frail.
I will watch His strength be manifest
Best in my weakness.
Light is only visible where
There is darkness to penetrate.
God, illuminate me.
Cultivate me,
And I will grow.

"Cyclone"

I feel like I'm spun in a cyclone of chance,
I grasp for stability; wrapped in happenstance.
Evasive security; I loathe the hunt.
Deep, utter faith is all that I want.
As I am spinning, in choas sublime,
I realize all of these choices are mine.
I could let go of the whirlwind and fall
I could reach up to the black sky and call,
And trust that You'll be there to reach down to me,
And choose not to spin, nor to fall but be free.
To choose, to rise, to live, to let go;
To finally rest and to finally know,
The chaos I live that consumes my eyes
Is all just a blink in the span of this life.
I will not wrap myself in need to feel
Security in something that is not real.
The only thing I know with all that I am
Is that You love me, and You have a plan.
Now I don't have to reel here alone...
I'll walk out on this storm and I will come Home.

~~~~~~~~~

Once again he meets me in my low place, and reassures my heart he cares... forever. How much more secure can a person feel? It is such a blessing to be able to rest in the calm only Jesus can bring, and truly know that with Him, all things are possible. With Him, life is a place of hope. Eternity with Him is such an exciting ambition of mine. But for now, I can fall into the arms of my beautiful God, and know He is never too tired of my need, nor my aches, nor my frailty to hold me. I can feel Him... so strong, and it fills my eyes with tears. I love Him more every day.

Circles of Chaos

Life goes in cycles. Circles. Just when you think you've left a phase of it or surpassed a memory, you find yourself reliving it again. Not every incident, happening, emotion, nor lesson is repeated (thank God for the growth that does occur), but it does definitely seem to me that there are certain familiar circumstances in my world of learning that seem to be painfully repetitive. How does this happen? Do we not learn from our mistakes? Do we seek out the familiar, even when it is painful? Is this an inevitable part of life, a sign of masochistic tendencies, or just another of life's enigmas? Do you find that this happens in your life too, or am I alone in my cylindrical maze?

I guess I should be thankful, for the life lessons most engraved in my mind are the lessons I had to learn and then re-learn again. Now I won't forget.

"Chaos"

My heart is checkered with guilt and love.
My mind is a wash of chaotic emotion,
Causing my flesh to crave and cringe.
My eyes fill with tears of joy, and a sea of loss.
My feet stumble on broken hopes,
And I fall to the cold, hard earth.
The tears sting as they fall on raw nerves;
My heart is exposed, and it aches.
I told myself another celestial tale
Of love so true... of happy ever after.
The real world glares at me with hostile eyes.
I feel the frosty cold of solitude again.
I yearn to allow my heart to fall this time.
My soul pleads with my mind for release.
The flesh is strong and bold, and pushes forth;
Determined to claim a piece of ecstasy.
The familiar burning soothes the ache.
The mere intensity of the need and these emotions
Are almost enough to sustain. If only.
Fulfillment; contentment elude me as ever.
I am but a slave to the tumult in these depths.
I am victimized by the chaos this love begets.

"That Which Will End"

We spend so much time
Running from life…
Finding ways to escape it;
When all we really should be doing
Is living it.
Embracing it.
How can one become aware
Of this agonizing reality,
And yet be unable
To evade it?
How can one find a way
To want to be alive…
I never see the road ahead,
Nor any of us;
And yet we run
With reckless adandon
Into the unknown:
Inevitable loss.
Why?
Why does love become
The pursuit of all we are?
Why does passion consume
And change us so?
So I drown myself
In things which distract
And numb the ache of life.
And I tell myself
It is possible
To live without love,
And be truly alive.
And I inhale deeply
A brave sort of breath,
And I know that I’ll be
Just fine.
Alone.
Alive.
Then the phone rings,
And all at once
All of my courage
Is flushed from my heart,
And replaced by a love
Which devours.
And all of my dreams,
And all my desire
And hope becomes
Only love.
And life becomes,
One again,
The painful pursuit
Of that which will
End.

~~~~~~

I shared this with you as a painful and hopefully helpful reminder (to myself as well), that the only reliable Love... the only source of peace... the only place to find utter solace... is in Jesus. Every other attempt at finding 'home' proves pointless, and begets feelings of solitude and loss.

Sacred Solitude

There are days I wish that I had never heard of love.
There are dreams I wish I’d never ventured to dream of.
There are wishes that have not, nor will, nor can come true.
There are nights I know that I won’t sleep, if not with you..
All these aches that life has thrown my way for all these years,
They have shown me more than solitude and bitter tears.
What they’ve taught me, happy days could never teach nor show.
I appreciate the sun because I’ve felt the snow.
I won’t walk about with smiles, nor with my head held high
I will humbly thank the Lord for winters in my life.
I hope the sun shines oft’ enough to thaw my numbing heart,
So one day I can give the warmth I’ve long yearned to impart.
I think that I know how to love and live because of pain.
I think that all these hurting nights are not at all in vain.
I think our God knows what we need to grow and love and give.
Someday I’ll give this warmth to you, for this is why I live.

~~~
I find myself wondering, "What do I have to give? What makes me equipt to love and share? Why me? Me of all people? I fall. I fail. I learn, but it's such a painful process with me! Isn't there someone who would be better suited to build Your kingdom? Someone without all these flaws and needs and weaknesses? ...I am broken and imperfect." Then He speaks softly and clearly to my deepest soul and says, "Exactly."

I am learning that the potential of God's power is most appreciated and ultimately revealed in my moments of weakness.
~~~

You Are In Control

It's my birthday today. I am looking forward to this new year. There are big things ahead! I have a feeling of peace this morning, knowing I am not in control of my future. All the plans I had made haven't worked out so well thus far in my life. But yet when I look around, I see the blessings that I have this beautiful day are so numerous, unexpected and undeserved. I feel this fire within me... this desire to know more of God, and love Him more and to live! I feel He has such wonderful things in store for my future... I know it. I can't wait! I love knowing God is in control of things I cannot control.

The following is a song my band is working on. It is so inspiring each and every time I sing it. I did not write it, but I wanted to share it anyway, because I love the feeling I get from it. I love knowing God is in control.. because I let Him be.

"You Are In Control"

You are my Shepherd. I have no needs.
You lead me by peaceful streams.
And You refresh my life.
You hold my hand and you guide my steps.
I could walk through the valley of death,
And I won't be afraid.
Because You are in control.
You are in control.
You cause everything to work together.
You truly have a sovereign plan,
And you know who I am.
You made who I am.
You love who I am.
And You are in control!
Jesus, You are in control.

Contentment

I woke up this morning, alone again. I hit snooze a few times, and wished that I had a snooze button on my heart. I had this mild and creeping feeling of panic. Where did THAT come from? My mind started at light-speed this morning, before I even had my coffee. I hate that!

I sat down here to organize some of those thoughts, and the first line that came to my mind was an annoying old country lyric, "looking for love in all the wrong places". I can't stand that song, but it's got such a great catch phrase. The only place I can feel completely whole and loved and known is in Christ. Any other pursuit of peace, or quest for the feelings that could be derived from being in that place (like the yearning for romance and passion and true companionship) is futile. I know this to be true. ONLY GOD can fill the place in me that is empty. It is so hard to remember that sometimes! I have to remind myself daily to look to Him for contentment. And I am trying desperately to learn it.

***Contenment does not come from having everything you want, but rather wanting everything you have.***

As I sit here and reflect and yearn and ache and pray, I come to a conclusion I already knew... contentment is not a gift, but a choice. I can choose to be content, or choose to dwell on the feeling that something is missing. I can choose to take what I know and what I have at this moment and admire the beauty in it, and not look back, or look ahead, always wishing for more. I choose to cherish this moment, and the gift of life God has given to me. *Sigh* There's that familiar feeling of peace. I can breathe again.

"All That I Hold Dear"

Wisdom, pain and pride accompanied by
Insecurity and double-eyes.
These are qualities that compile my life;
This is who I am and why I cry.
Yesterday is gone; I can’t erase it.
Bad decisions plague my little life.
All I want to do is make decisions
That fill me with respect and You with pride.

So make me into somebody bigger
Than who I see in this fun-house mirror.
Take me and all that is within me,
And make me make You all that I hold dear.

Self-esteem and wisdom tempered by
Kindness, patience and gentle, humble eyes;
A heart that seeks to serve and not to get praise,
This is what I’m seeking in my life.
And so I pray for more of You inside me.
So I scream and yearn to know Your peace.
Every day will be a growing, learning
Experience of becoming less like me.

Make me into somebody bigger
Than who I see in this fun-house mirror.
Take me and all this is within me,
And make me make You all that I hold dear.

Jesus, you are all that I hold dear.

"Catch Me"

I push them all away,
Then wonder why nobody’s there.
Build walls, keep them at bay,
Then wonder if anyone cares.
Deny my need for love,
Then crave it more than anything.
I wish I could be loved.
I wish I could be loved.

Receptive to their needs;
Defying my own.
I’m longing to reach out,
While tying my hands down.
I look to God above,
Then close my eyes to miracles.
I wish I could be loved.
I wish I could be loved.

Break me.
Break down my walls.
Take me.
Please just take it all.
My heart
Is too afraid to fall.
Only You can make the broken new.
Catch me, as I fall.. into You.

I fall into You and find home.
I fall into You and I know
You're the only One who ever loved me...

New Course

How many times must we wander the same aimless path, before it dawns on us that we are still getting nowhere? Someone once said the definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again, expecting different results. That's a scarey thought! I find myself doing that a lot! I really want to chose differently, from this point forward. I really want to wake up and feel truly liberated, rather than merely aiming for freedom. I always say, the only way to fail is to quit trying, soooo.... time to try a different route. I think I will let God plot the course this time. Time to give faith a shot. ~M~

"Almost There"

I walk without direction
At dusk. Suffer the heat,
There is no irritation;
No sound, save tired feet.

And all that I can think of
In midst of disarray,
I just how deeply peaceful
Your spirit felt today.

And gratitude pours through me.
Joy pulses in my veins.
This feels so much like pleasure;
This peace, it mutes my pain.

True, there are things I long for,
Things long I’ve craved to know;
But blessings I once ignored
Abound and overflow.

And in time broken pieces
All fall right into place.
For now I am content with
The way You mend my faith.

No hope have I but this one:
You, my refuge become.
I’ll not fabricate solace;
Deceit weighs freedom down.

I stop and breathe this stillness.
I taste the tranquil air.
My soul feels vastly lighter.
I think I’m almost there.

"Surrender"

The flesh at war with spirit.
The soul conflicted so.
The heart in need of love.
The body weak and worn.
The darkness seems unveiling.
I'm weakest in the night.
It seems that I am failing
At being whole and right.
The answer's out there somewhere
If not, I make my own.
If it takes too long to find peace,
I find myself a brand new home.
But running never gets me
Anywhere but lost.
The farther that I run,
The weightier the cost.

Why do I do the things I do?
I look for change but look from You.
Search me and know me, cleanse my every flaw.
I surrender all.

Destination unknown;
I see the light ahead.
I fear the path I'm taking,
Though more the path I've tread.
I chose to be a fighter,
And not be victimized.
I chose to let go of the past,
And look up to the skies.

Why do I do the things I do?
I look for change but look from You.
Search me and know me, cleanse my every flaw.
I surrender all.
Jesus, I surrender all.

Moni

The Journey Towards Liberation

Many people ask me why I like butterflies... it is simple: the butterfly is the epitomy of freedom. To me, a butterfly is beautiful, peaceful, fragile, strong, gentle, tranquil, independent, whimsical and driven. Some of these characteristics are goals which I aspire to, and some are qualities I already possess. Like the butterfly, I came from a lowly state. I, too, was a worm. Still am, some days. But I was created with a beautiful future in store. I was born to fly. Thus begins my journey towards liberation.

My spirituality is the one and only aspect of my life in which I do truly feel liberated. I have freedom through Christ Jesus, and His gift of Love through His death on the cross. This gift I humbly accept, knowing I do not deserve it. Knowing I can never repay it. But knowing I was born to live free because of Him.

My goal in life is to give love. I want so badly to share God's love and peace with people. I have been called to do it. So if you were to ask me what is the meaning of life, I would have to tell you it is LOVE. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. If I genuinely live those priniciples, everything else falls into place. And even through times of extreme adversity, I have focus and a deep peace. I really want that for everyone.

I have to admit, I really don't feel like I am free from the cacoon most days. I have so much room yet to grow. Sometimes I still find myself feeling defeated, and wallow in self-pity and regret. But God is teaching me through enlightenment about painful experiences and un-wise choices in my past, and through His continual grace and mercy and the gift of His Holy Spirit, that He is not finished with me. He never gives up on me, no matter how long the growing process seems to take with me. I can be sooo thick. I can be sooo self-centered. I can be such a dirt crawler some days. But for some strange reason, He thinks I am worth his love and patience. He feels the same way about you! Isn't it amazing to have just one person who believes in you so very much?! It is so inspiring. It makes me want to be alive. It makes me want to learn. It makes me actually thankful for the hard times, as they always seem to bring about such positive growth, in the long run. God says ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose. Well, I know I love Him. And I know I am called (we all are) to serve Him.... therefore, every crappy thing I go through; all the pain and heartache and rebellion and anguish - all these things turn into something beautiful in the end.

All the things that have hurt me in my past - the things that happened, which God had no part of; ALL those things have turned into something positive. It is amazing. Every time, without fail. Ask me, and I will give you examples of this kind of miracle in my personal life. Jesus is in the miracle business, and He performs them every day. All we have to do is look around with eyes open, and we will see them. I have lived them. To choose to see the positive beyond the pain is a miracle in and of itself. I am here to tell you that joy is a choice. Peace is a choice. Freedom is a choice. I choose to learn from the trials, and let the lesson help others too. Adversity can make us bitter, or better. It is our choice.

And I choose to be a butterfly.