Saturday, October 20, 2012

Someday Doesn't Have to Be Tomorrow

I've been thinking about writing a song or poem called "Someday Doesn't Have to be Tomorrow" for a while now.  I've even talked about the concept and idea with my family and close friends.  But once again, when I sat down to write today, something unexpected came out.  I wasn't going to post this, because it is a prayer between me and God, and it's rather personal.  But I decided to go ahead and post it.  Here's why.  I have a very close friend who can relate to this poem/prayer.  She and I benefit from our longs talks, though they are much too infrequent due to the busy-ness of life, because it is so refreshing and helpful to know that there is someone else out there in the world who feels like we do, or has been through some of the same things we have been through, or simply empathizes with us.  I am posting this very raw prayer in regards to my future relationship because I am hoping that if you are going through similar feelings, maybe this will help you feel not so alone on your journey.

My motivation to finally sit down and write this came from a movie I watched today.  For those of you whom God has blessed with true, committed love lives, hold onto them and cherish them.  Protect them.  Do not take them for granted.  Not everyone is as blessed as you are to have what you have. Hold on to your love even tighter through the hard times, and you will be stronger because of it.  The movie I watched today was "Fireproof" - a Christian movie about broken and restored relationships.  It made me cry.  That is the kind of godly love I want to give and to feel... someday.

Someday Doesn’t Have to be Tomorrow: a Prayer

God, You know
My deepest desires,
Fears, needs, scars;
The good and bad,
All I have thought and done,
Battles I’ve won,
And universes I’ve wrecked.
Burdens I’ve born,
Injuries I’ve sustained,
My close calls with the grave.
God, You were there
In my darkest of nights.
I know Your hand
Was what kept me
From being crushed completely,
And irreparably destroyed.
I know I haven’t always
Lived the way I should have
In this bewildering,
tangled, dense forest
That is life.
I haven’t always followed
Your path.
But I am now, and have been
For many miles.
Please, God, send me
An Angel to come and hold me
and walk with me,
And learn, grow, be, breathe
With me.
This journey is very hard
Is it too late, God,
For love?
I am working diligently every day
To be a godly woman,
A good mother,
A woman
Deserving of true love.
In this cold, confused world,
Is there anyone else out there, God,
Who wants what is right and good?
Is there a man,
Who will be steadfast and true?
Strong and kind?
Who will not seek to break me,
But only to protect me
And lift me up?
Is there a man out there
Who would love my children
As his own?
Who would love You
Who would capture my
Selective, careful, hidden heart?
For years now I have known
That someday
That man would come into
My life, and boldly turn
His life and my life into
“our life”.
God, You know
I have settled along the way,
On my quest to find
That kind of love.
I have been hurt.
I have been hindered.
I have been halted.
But each wrong turn-
Each unforseen pitfall-
Each devastating blow
Has been an opportunity
To learn and to grow.
Each scar I have been given
Serves as a reminder
That You can make all things
That wounds can heal.
The memory of the pain may remain,
But the hope of a better future
Sings louder.
I can only hope that the dark desolation
I have known
Is but the threshold into something
Bright and beautiful.
I will wait out the night,
And lean into You for my strength,
My God.  My Comfort.
You know my commitment to You.
I could never make it
Without You, Lord.
I would have died
Without Your merciful hand
And saving Grace.
Your gentle, strong Love...
Has brought me back
From the throws of death.
Now it’s all I want to be.
You know, God, my commitment
To Him,
And how I have kept my
Renewed promise
To wait,
Because I know that
Doesn’t have to be tomorrow.
If he has scars,
I will kiss them,
And thank You that they did not
Destroy Him.
I will see them through gentle,
Sympathetic eyes,
Just the way that You
See mine.
Until someday arrives,
I will keep my gaze
Fixed on the heavens,
And my heart
Set upon only You.
I won’t allow the
Ensnaring vines and
branches in this dark place
To wrap me up
And distract me on this journey.
Protect me, Lord.
Protect him too.
My desire is Your will only.
My goal is whatever You would have
For me.
My purpose is love,
And to teach love.
Your Love.
Your way.
Send me a strong Angel,
To walk with me
Hand in hand
On the journey,
That we may strengthen each other’s steps,
And unified, love and live.
Until Someday arrives,
I will pray for him.
I will make good choices.
I will save my heart.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

"Silent and Still" ... mp3

I wrote a song many years ago - it might even be on this blog somewhere, maybe in the earlier years - about how I sometimes feel I am not hearing from God.  It talks about why I (we) are sometimes unable to hear Him when we are pleading to hear from Him the most.  It's a song that I feel God gave to me... one of those instances when He was the author, I was the pen, and music was the ink.  Anyway, it's called "Silent and Still".  I sang and played it in church a few weeks ago, and my friends Tina and Leon recorded it on their phone.  I didn't know they were doing that, or I would have tried to sing and play it a little bit better.  I am going to attempt to post it here regardless of any imperfections, and I hope what you will hear are the lyrics, most of all, because I think we all need to be reminded that hearing from God involves more than just His speaking.  Sometimes, a little action on our part is needed as well.

"Silent and Still"

I haven't heard from You in a while.
I just realized why.
I haven't stopped and listened, and really tried to hear.
I haven't really been silent and still.

I can't count the times I've felt sorry for myself
For the answers I didn't hear.
I pray for solutions.  I pray for Your will.  But I haven't really listened,
I haven't really been silent and still.

I will not hear Your sweet voice if I'm doing all the talking.
I will not see Your will unless I close my eyes to mine.
I will not know the peace that comes from the power one can feel,
Unless I'll close my eyes, open my heart and be
Silent and still.

I will not hear Your sweet voice if I'm doing all the talking.
I will not see Your will unless I close my eyes to mine.
I will not know the peace that comes from the power one can feel,
Unless I'll close my eyes, open my heart and be
Silent and still.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Dead Weight

This was originally going to be a song, but I had far too many lyrics on my heart, so it turned into a poem/rhymey gush fest.  I even deleted a few stanzas to keep it from being redundant and too wordy.  Anyway, it's about my decision to quit smoking cigarettes (again) and it also addresses some of the hardships and heartaches I have endured in my lifetime, especially over the past few years, and how I didn't deal with them in a healthy way.  I am opening up to God every single dark corner of my heart and life, and I am asking Him to come in and bring something beautiful out of some pretty painful things.  I know He can and will work this miracle in me, and I can already feel it has begun.


"Dead Weight"

I was sinking... sinking slowly,
As the anchor bound me tight.
I was running out of time and air,
And falling farther from the light.
The travesty of my tragedy
Is the irony of my life:
The weight that pulled me downward
I clung to with all my might.

Now the time has come (I have been here)
For me realize again
That the things that brought me comfort
Are the things that caved me in;
And all things I ran to were
The things that stole my life.
I am done embracing villains.
I am ready now to fight.

I realized that Sadness was
Like family to me.
And it seemed my closest friends
Were Failure, Shame, Blame and Defeat.
I’ve laid my burdens down before,
Only to reclaim the load.
I’ve pushed my fears outside the door,
Then followed them out into the cold.

I’m tired of putting my heart to things
That do not love me back.
I’m tired of denial (lies will never
Make me forget all I lack),
And keeping secrets and painting my face
And pretending I am whole and fine,
And praying and hoping, yet running,evading,
Ignoring the glaring warning signs.

I haven’t fully faced the demons I
Have met along this road.
I have locked them in a closet,
Thus, giving them a home.
I didn’t realize that by
Ignoring all the agony,
And going on as if all was fine
I was adding to catastrophe.

I have to boldly face the ache,
With blood and sweat and tears.
I must look truth in it’s ugly eye,
Despite all dread and fear.
I have to first put in the work
Before healing can come.
I have to cut dead weight so I
Can finally rise above.

Jesus only knows my wounds
And what was ripped away.
Heaven only sees the tears
Invisible on my face.
But somewhere deep beneath these scars,
A brand new hope’s in bloom.
Beauty will rise up from ashes.
Glory will rise up from gloom.