Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Reflections on Marriage


I resign myself to it.
I design a new way to feel.
I resolve to never let this go.
I dissolve my fears with force.
Holy Matrimony;
Sanctimonious Vow.
Love is unconditional;
I'm resigned to learn how.
I cannot shed a tear these days.
I cannot gaze at you and shine.
Oh, for deep and genuine bliss.
Curse the eye that sees beneath.
You don't understand me.
You confound me so.
But love is unconditional,
And so I won't let go.
With resolve,
I'm resigned.

I get asked a lot, "Why are you single??" As if it is this really terrible condition, like leprosy. Some assume it is because I have children, and men don't like that. Some assume there must be something very wrong with me, and I can't keep a relationship. But the simple fact is, I am single because I choose to be. It is not easy, nor is it fun. But it is where I need to be right now. I wrote the song I posted above years back, during a time in which every day was heartache and tears. I can remember vividly how it hurt going to bed alone night after night, and yet waking up day after day under that black cloud, married to the enemy. I tried so hard and chose and pushed for us, and did all the things a person does to "make" things work (like giving, humility, sacrifice, counseling with various preachers and therapists, and many other things), but ultimately, without two people choosing to love (even when feelings don't follow) and without two people choosing commitment and showing true commitment through action, there is no glue. And without God as the foundation of it all, the house will surely crumble. And mine did. I look back on it and wish I could have somehow held it all together and lived that fairy tale life, where everyone was happy and mommy and daddy were both home and in love (as if that exists). But I don't have that power! And the humbling reality is, sometimes when we make choices outside of God's will to start off with, so many people wind up suffering for them later on. I don't want to make any more choices that He doesn't want me to make. I have been accused of being overly cautious, but I am praying for God's will and will settle for nothing less. I am praying He opens my eyes to knowing when the timing is right for love. Until then, I am content to be alone, growing in the Lord (I am so thankful for this time of pruning!), and learning from the past. Learning the things I need to learn in order to be the best wife I can be... forever... someday.

Sunday, May 29, 2005


I try to be bigger than who I am,
And wind up looking down on my small self.
I cannot grow beyond my limitations
Without that growth being divinely appointed.
I can push and yearn and strive and force,
But one can only stretch so far before breaking;
Unless there is help of a supernatural nature.
I know that God wants me to grow,
But the ways in which He wishes me to expand
Are frequently so vastly differing
From the development I seem to seek.
Jesus knows me best.
I don’t know myself at all.
And I don’t love myself like He loves me,
Nor half as much.
So I will let go of my selfish wants.
I will submit and be lowly and frail.
I will watch His strength be manifest
Best in my weakness.
Light is only visible where
There is darkness to penetrate.
God, illuminate me.
Cultivate me,
And I will grow.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


I feel like I'm spun in a cyclone of chance,
I grasp for stability; wrapped in happenstance.
Evasive security; I loathe the hunt.
Deep, utter faith is all that I want.
As I am spinning, in choas sublime,
I realize all of these choices are mine.
I could let go of the whirlwind and fall
I could reach up to the black sky and call,
And trust that You'll be there to reach down to me,
And choose not to spin, nor to fall but be free.
To choose, to rise, to live, to let go;
To finally rest and to finally know,
The chaos I live that consumes my eyes
Is all just a blink in the span of this life.
I will not wrap myself in need to feel
Security in something that is not real.
The only thing I know with all that I am
Is that You love me, and You have a plan.
Now I don't have to reel here alone...
I'll walk out on this storm and I will come Home.


Once again he meets me in my low place, and reassures my heart he cares... forever. How much more secure can a person feel? It is such a blessing to be able to rest in the calm only Jesus can bring, and truly know that with Him, all things are possible. With Him, life is a place of hope. Eternity with Him is such an exciting ambition of mine. But for now, I can fall into the arms of my beautiful God, and know He is never too tired of my need, nor my aches, nor my frailty to hold me. I can feel Him... so strong, and it fills my eyes with tears. I love Him more every day.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Circles of Chaos

Life goes in cycles. Circles. Just when you think you've left a phase of it or surpassed a memory, you find yourself reliving it again. Not every incident, happening, emotion, nor lesson is repeated (thank God for the growth that does occur), but it does definitely seem to me that there are certain familiar circumstances in my world of learning that seem to be painfully repetitive. How does this happen? Do we not learn from our mistakes? Do we seek out the familiar, even when it is painful? Is this an inevitable part of life, a sign of masochistic tendencies, or just another of life's enigmas? Do you find that this happens in your life too, or am I alone in my cylindrical maze?

I guess I should be thankful, for the life lessons most engraved in my mind are the lessons I had to learn and then re-learn again. Now I won't forget.


My heart is checkered with guilt and love.
My mind is a wash of chaotic emotion,
Causing my flesh to crave and cringe.
My eyes fill with tears of joy, and a sea of loss.
My feet stumble on broken hopes,
And I fall to the cold, hard earth.
The tears sting as they fall on raw nerves;
My heart is exposed, and it aches.
I told myself another celestial tale
Of love so true... of happy ever after.
The real world glares at me with hostile eyes.
I feel the frosty cold of solitude again.
I yearn to allow my heart to fall this time.
My soul pleads with my mind for release.
The flesh is strong and bold, and pushes forth;
Determined to claim a piece of ecstasy.
The familiar burning soothes the ache.
The mere intensity of the need and these emotions
Are almost enough to sustain. If only.
Fulfillment; contentment elude me as ever.
I am but a slave to the tumult in these depths.
I am victimized by the chaos this love begets.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

"That Which Will End"

We spend so much time
Running from life…
Finding ways to escape it;
When all we really should be doing
Is living it.
Embracing it.
How can one become aware
Of this agonizing reality,
And yet be unable
To evade it?
How can one find a way
To want to be alive…
I never see the road ahead,
Nor any of us;
And yet we run
With reckless adandon
Into the unknown:
Inevitable loss.
Why does love become
The pursuit of all we are?
Why does passion consume
And change us so?
So I drown myself
In things which distract
And numb the ache of life.
And I tell myself
It is possible
To live without love,
And be truly alive.
And I inhale deeply
A brave sort of breath,
And I know that I’ll be
Just fine.
Then the phone rings,
And all at once
All of my courage
Is flushed from my heart,
And replaced by a love
Which devours.
And all of my dreams,
And all my desire
And hope becomes
Only love.
And life becomes,
One again,
The painful pursuit
Of that which will


I shared this with you as a painful and hopefully helpful reminder (to myself as well), that the only reliable Love... the only source of peace... the only place to find utter solace... is in Jesus. Every other attempt at finding 'home' proves pointless, and begets feelings of solitude and loss.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Sacred Solitude

There are days I wish that I had never heard of love.
There are dreams I wish I’d never ventured to dream of.
There are wishes that have not, nor will, nor can come true.
There are nights I know that I won’t sleep, if not with you..
All these aches that life has thrown my way for all these years,
They have shown me more than solitude and bitter tears.
What they’ve taught me, happy days could never teach nor show.
I appreciate the sun because I’ve felt the snow.
I won’t walk about with smiles, nor with my head held high
I will humbly thank the Lord for winters in my life.
I hope the sun shines oft’ enough to thaw my numbing heart,
So one day I can give the warmth I’ve long yearned to impart.
I think that I know how to love and live because of pain.
I think that all these hurting nights are not at all in vain.
I think our God knows what we need to grow and love and give.
Someday I’ll give this warmth to you, for this is why I live.

I find myself wondering, "What do I have to give? What makes me equipt to love and share? Why me? Me of all people? I fall. I fail. I learn, but it's such a painful process with me! Isn't there someone who would be better suited to build Your kingdom? Someone without all these flaws and needs and weaknesses? ...I am broken and imperfect." Then He speaks softly and clearly to my deepest soul and says, "Exactly."

I am learning that the potential of God's power is most appreciated and ultimately revealed in my moments of weakness.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

You Are In Control

It's my birthday today. I am looking forward to this new year. There are big things ahead! I have a feeling of peace this morning, knowing I am not in control of my future. All the plans I had made haven't worked out so well thus far in my life. But yet when I look around, I see the blessings that I have this beautiful day are so numerous, unexpected and undeserved. I feel this fire within me... this desire to know more of God, and love Him more and to live! I feel He has such wonderful things in store for my future... I know it. I can't wait! I love knowing God is in control of things I cannot control.

The following is a song my band is working on. It is so inspiring each and every time I sing it. I did not write it, but I wanted to share it anyway, because I love the feeling I get from it. I love knowing God is in control.. because I let Him be.

"You Are In Control"

You are my Shepherd. I have no needs.
You lead me by peaceful streams.
And You refresh my life.
You hold my hand and you guide my steps.
I could walk through the valley of death,
And I won't be afraid.
Because You are in control.
You are in control.
You cause everything to work together.
You truly have a sovereign plan,
And you know who I am.
You made who I am.
You love who I am.
And You are in control!
Jesus, You are in control.

Monday, May 02, 2005


I woke up this morning, alone again. I hit snooze a few times, and wished that I had a snooze button on my heart. I had this mild and creeping feeling of panic. Where did THAT come from? My mind started at light-speed this morning, before I even had my coffee. I hate that!

I sat down here to organize some of those thoughts, and the first line that came to my mind was an annoying old country lyric, "looking for love in all the wrong places". I can't stand that song, but it's got such a great catch phrase. The only place I can feel completely whole and loved and known is in Christ. Any other pursuit of peace, or quest for the feelings that could be derived from being in that place (like the yearning for romance and passion and true companionship) is futile. I know this to be true. ONLY GOD can fill the place in me that is empty. It is so hard to remember that sometimes! I have to remind myself daily to look to Him for contentment. And I am trying desperately to learn it.

***Contenment does not come from having everything you want, but rather wanting everything you have.***

As I sit here and reflect and yearn and ache and pray, I come to a conclusion I already knew... contentment is not a gift, but a choice. I can choose to be content, or choose to dwell on the feeling that something is missing. I can choose to take what I know and what I have at this moment and admire the beauty in it, and not look back, or look ahead, always wishing for more. I choose to cherish this moment, and the gift of life God has given to me. *Sigh* There's that familiar feeling of peace. I can breathe again.

"All That I Hold Dear"

Wisdom, pain and pride accompanied by
Insecurity and double-eyes.
These are qualities that compile my life;
This is who I am and why I cry.
Yesterday is gone; I can’t erase it.
Bad decisions plague my little life.
All I want to do is make decisions
That fill me with respect and You with pride.

So make me into somebody bigger
Than who I see in this fun-house mirror.
Take me and all that is within me,
And make me make You all that I hold dear.

Self-esteem and wisdom tempered by
Kindness, patience and gentle, humble eyes;
A heart that seeks to serve and not to get praise,
This is what I’m seeking in my life.
And so I pray for more of You inside me.
So I scream and yearn to know Your peace.
Every day will be a growing, learning
Experience of becoming less like me.

Make me into somebody bigger
Than who I see in this fun-house mirror.
Take me and all this is within me,
And make me make You all that I hold dear.

Jesus, you are all that I hold dear.