Reflections on Marriage

"Resigned"

I resign myself to it.
I design a new way to feel.
I resolve to never let this go.
I dissolve my fears with force.
Holy Matrimony;
Sanctimonious Vow.
Love is unconditional;
I'm resigned to learn how.
I cannot shed a tear these days.
I cannot gaze at you and shine.
Oh, for deep and genuine bliss.
Curse the eye that sees beneath.
You don't understand me.
You confound me so.
But love is unconditional,
And so I won't let go.
With resolve,
I'm resigned.

I get asked a lot, "Why are you single??" As if it is this really terrible condition, like leprosy. Some assume it is because I have children, and men don't like that. Some assume there must be something very wrong with me, and I can't keep a relationship. But the simple fact is, I am single because I choose to be. It is not easy, nor is it fun. But it is where I need to be right now. I wrote the song I posted above years back, during a time in which every day was heartache and tears. I can remember vividly how it hurt going to bed alone night after night, and yet waking up day after day under that black cloud, married to the enemy. I tried so hard and chose and pushed for us, and did all the things a person does to "make" things work (like giving, humility, sacrifice, counseling with various preachers and therapists, and many other things), but ultimately, without two people choosing to love (even when feelings don't follow) and without two people choosing commitment and showing true commitment through action, there is no glue. And without God as the foundation of it all, the house will surely crumble. And mine did. I look back on it and wish I could have somehow held it all together and lived that fairy tale life, where everyone was happy and mommy and daddy were both home and in love (as if that exists). But I don't have that power! And the humbling reality is, sometimes when we make choices outside of God's will to start off with, so many people wind up suffering for them later on. I don't want to make any more choices that He doesn't want me to make. I have been accused of being overly cautious, but I am praying for God's will and will settle for nothing less. I am praying He opens my eyes to knowing when the timing is right for love. Until then, I am content to be alone, growing in the Lord (I am so thankful for this time of pruning!), and learning from the past. Learning the things I need to learn in order to be the best wife I can be... forever... someday.