Friday, February 21, 2014

"Treading Water"

I looked ahead at the horizon.
The beautiful colors smeared softly
Into the atmosphere
Like whispered secrets of
Things to come.
I wanted to be right there
Within that sunset.
Right there.
Not here.
I looked down at myself
As if I was floating from above;
Watching from a cloud.
I saw myself floundering,
Stationary and stuck.
Tossed by waves.
Unable to swim,
Or move.
I was flailing my arms and legs
But going absolutely
All at once I realized
I was on the verge of sinking.
My muscles were so sore.
My body was so tired.
My mind almost numb
With hopelessness.
I asked and begged and cried.
I pleaded to the heavens,
There was no reply
But a song.
It filled my mind like
Water in an ocean,
And I could not escape
It’s melody.
My thoughts were hijacked
By the lyrics and tune
And I found myself humming.
With the waves as my rhythm.
It was a lullaby
And a song of strength
Combined into one melodic epiphany…
It was time to be brave.
To dive deep.
To let go.

I inhaled the salty, sea air
And I dove beneath the waves.
At first I was quite afraid.
"Did I take a deep enough breath?"
With the fear came the feeling
That my lungs were being crushed by
The weight of the water
Above… beside…
All around me.
And it was so,
So dark down here.
I wanted to swim back up
To the surface.
I almost did,
But then I remembered why
I had dived down.
The surface held nothing for me
But stagnant water,
Immobile hopes,
And waves that threatened
To drown me in defeat.
I willed myself to stay under
Just a little longer,
Allowing my eyes to adjust
To the darkness.
I began to see;
To focus under water
On my goal.
There was a large,
Weighty chain
Wrapped around my ankle.
It stretched down into
The blackness below.
I realized I had been expending
Every ounce of my energy
To keep myself afloat
While something heavy
On the other end of that chain
Held me

With the song still swimming
Within my mind,
My thoughts sang,
“You are brave.  It is time.  Let it go.”
At once, I saw that the chain
Had no lock!
It was only loosely linked around me.
The weight on the other end of it
Is what had made it feel
So tethering;
So tight.
“Was this all that had been holding me here
All this time?!”
I kicked my leg hard.
I willed myself to be free.
The chain fell.
My muscles began to relax.
By body floated up…
Up… up…
I surfaced.
I gulped in air.
I screamed victoriously.
I laughed.
I cried.
I realized I could have been
Long ago.
The only thing holding my anchor
To myself
Was me.
I had never held my breath,
Nor dove under the waves
Long or deep enough to see
That the weight could have
Been quickly released,
With no key required.
I had never tried
Hard enough.
Because I did not truly believe
Until this moment
That I could be
So gloriously free.
Maybe I had just never wanted it

After floating on my back for a while,
Relishing relief
And the bliss of that moment,
And thanking God for
I looked ahead,
Once again,
At the wonderful, gentle
Beckoning sunset.
Just beneath it
Where the water touched the sky
Was a lovely, lush, little island.
How had I not noticed it before?
I saw it and I knew at once
It was home.
My self-doubts
My fears
Had sunk along with my anchor.
So I began to swim
Into the sunset…
It felt so good to use my muscles
For more than
Treading water.
It felt wonderful
To finally be moving forward.
I propelled myself
Into the direction of
My own, personal island.
My Serenity.
And I realized before even climbing ashore,
(My mind and my heart agreed):
“It was always, already


MG ~ 2/21/14

"Already There"

When there are big changes
In front of me…
Small hills to climb,
Large mountains behind,
You see.

When nighttime pulls me
With it’s dark dream…
And twighlight’s a warning,
I’m alone until morning,
You sing.

When weariness engulfs me
And no comfort is near…
And I close my eyes,
And pray through my cries,
You hear.

When I surprise myself
And conquer great feats…
Slay mighty giants,
And sing songs of triumph,
You beam.

When I have no answers
To all of the whys…
And I can’t foresee harm,
And I cannot keep warm,
You cry.

When assaulted by solitude
And there is no one…
To hold me past the tears,
Dissipate my fears,
You come.

When epiphany catches and
I stop running for a while…
Let myself just be,
And learn how to love me,
You smile.

When morning dawn finds me
Happy for a fresh chance…
And I awake with a smile,
Hopeful heart and clear mind,
You dance.

Through hard times and joys…
Like fresh rain from above…
Unconditionally quenching,
Saturating and drenching,
You love.

Through each of life’s journeys
You were and are always there…
Without even a call
You’re right there through it all.
You care.


MG ~ 2/19/14

Give all your worries and cares to God,
for he cares about you.”
I Peter 5:7

Thoughts & Words...

If I were to add up each of my life journeys... all of the stories, hurtles, heartaches, mountains, victories, and lessons and put them down into words on a page the product would be the most emotionally tumultuous novel ever, with not one boring page.  Ups, downs, mysteries, fairy tales, epic adventures, self-help sections and so forth.  My book would definitely conclude with a happy ending.  Not that I have reached that actual page in my life thankfully, but it is something I just know.  Maybe one of these days I will do that... put it all into writing.  For now, I will put these and a few other thoughts into a long overdue blog post.

A near death experience...
I'm not sure if that's exactly what it was, but it sure felt like it.  About a month or so ago, I felt really weird.  Kinda sick, but not in a typical illness sort of way.  My heart was racing, I was woozy and dizzy and I felt like something was wrong.  My hand was tingly and kind-of numb and my chest was hurting.  This continued for a few hours.  I went up to my dad's house to have a cup of coffee with him and I told him how I was feeling.  I told him I suspected it may be my blood pressure that was the problem, as I have been dealing with b/p issues for a few years.  He happened to have a b/p monitor so he put it on my arm and ran the test.  It read 195/123, which is way too high.  Stroke level, actually, potentially.  No wonder I felt so weird.  So I decided to go to the doctor to get myself checked out further.  When I got there, they were just closing, so they sent me to the ER.  The ER staff took my b/p and it was even higher than it was at home.  Everyone started going into high speed mode at that point, and got me right into a room, hooked me up to EKG machine, IV, did blood tests, etc... And the naseau only grew stronger.  It was all I could do to keep myself from passing out.  I truly felt I was on the verge of having a heart attack (which runs in my family) or a stroke.  I started praying really hard for healing, because I knew my children needed me here on this earth.  After a while, a peace settled over me and the naseau went away.  The doctor monitored me for another hour or so, prescribed me some b/p medication, gave me orders to rest for a few days and sent me home.  I felt that I had just skated past death on that day.  It was the oddest feeling.  I knew my prayers for life had been answered.  I felt God telling me that it was not my time to leave this earth yet.

A renewed sense of purpose...
After that near-death event (if that is what it was), I have since had a renewed sense of purpose.  When I was lying in that hospital bed, I had a random and sudden thought which I believe was God whispering to me that I needed to write a book.  I knew exactly what it should be about, too.  It was a feeling so deep and intense that I felt as if writing the book was a part of my actual purpose for being.  So starting the very next day, I began writing.  I finished it a week later.  It was a short book... only 6,200 words or so.  But it felt right to write it.  I am in the process of trying to decide what to do with it at this point.  I am not sure whether to add to it, leave it as is, try to find a way to get it published, or what.  I just knew I needed to write it, so I did.

Learning to love me (the continuous journey)...
I have been working for years on learning to love myself just the way that I am, and appreciate me with all of my quirks, flaws, faults and failures.  And not just learn to love myself in spite of those things, but learn to give myself grace and not judgement.  I'm trying not to see myself from such a negative perspective, but rather as a beautiful woman and daughter of God who has all of those unique characteristics and traits because she is special.  It has been a tough feat, but I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life who have helped me on this specific journey.  I have also been blessed with self-awareness and insight, psychologically.  This has enabled me to take some big steps.  During this time of learning and just after my recent hospital experience, I realized that I needed to make some important decisions for the betterment of my physical and emotional well-being.  I made the difficult decisions that I knew were right, and I did not look back because... I was finally truly learning to love myself and see myself the way that God sees me.  It is so refreshing to wake up every day with a sense of pride in my choices and actions.  And the more I do better, the better I feel and the better I want to do.  It's like a snowball effect of positivity and productivity.

A creative dam has burst...
So now, I not only have gained:
1) This new love for life
2) This new sense of purpose
3) This new feeling of healthy self-esteem
4) It is as if a creative dam has burst within me.  
I have had writers block for years, with only trickles of inspiration here and there, but nothing like the creative juices that used to flow within me years ago.  These last few weeks, however, I have not been able to shut them off!  I have so many inspirations and creative, productive thoughts crowding my mind at once, it's hard for me to know which to put pen to first!  I wrote that short book I already mentioned, have woken up with a cool and very detailed dea for another book; this one will be my very first Fiction, which I am going to be starting soon.  I have also written my first song in months, complete with lyrics and music, and the poems keep falling out of me as well.  I love writing, and always have.  I am so thankful that the words are finally beginning to not just flow, but gush.  I love-love-love it!

Some things are just for you...
It has been hard for me to finally grasp the fact that not every single epiphany God sends my way is meant for the enlightenment of others.  Some of those gems are actually just for me.  Me?  Me!  Wow... to think that God loves me so much as to show me His beauty and wisdom and glory in so many ways, and that sometimes those life-changing moments are gifts just for me.  I used to feel that I needed to share everything God laid upon my heart - every idea or epiphany or lesson - in order that others might learn and grow from them.  It was not until recently that I realized that this was not always the best thing to do.  Yes, some things are meant to be shared, and I trust God to let me know when those times might be.  But there are some things that are not.  And that is okay.  It is more than okay.  God loves each one of us so very, intensely, unconditionally much that He has countless, priceless moments and precious gifts to give us each, individually.  Some things are just for you.  Did you know that?

Love and countless blessings,