Friday, February 21, 2014

"Treading Water"


I looked ahead at the horizon.
The beautiful colors smeared softly
Into the atmosphere
Like whispered secrets of
Things to come.
I wanted to be right there
Within that sunset.
Right there.
Not here.
I looked down at myself
As if I was floating from above;
Watching from a cloud.
I saw myself floundering,
Stationary and stuck.
Tossed by waves.
Unable to swim,
Or move.
I was flailing my arms and legs
But going absolutely
Nowhere.
All at once I realized
I was on the verge of sinking.
My muscles were so sore.
My body was so tired.
My mind almost numb
With hopelessness.
I asked and begged and cried.
I pleaded to the heavens,
“Why?!”
There was no reply
But a song.
It filled my mind like
Water in an ocean,
And I could not escape
It’s melody.
My thoughts were hijacked
By the lyrics and tune
And I found myself humming.
With the waves as my rhythm.
It was a lullaby
And a song of strength
Combined into one melodic epiphany…
It was time to be brave.
To dive deep.
To let go.


I inhaled the salty, sea air
And I dove beneath the waves.
At first I was quite afraid.
"Did I take a deep enough breath?"
With the fear came the feeling
That my lungs were being crushed by
The weight of the water
Above… beside…
All around me.
And it was so,
So dark down here.
I wanted to swim back up
To the surface.
I almost did,
But then I remembered why
I had dived down.
The surface held nothing for me
But stagnant water,
Immobile hopes,
And waves that threatened
To drown me in defeat.
I willed myself to stay under
Just a little longer,
Allowing my eyes to adjust
To the darkness.
I began to see;
To focus under water
On my goal.
There was a large,
Weighty chain
Wrapped around my ankle.
It stretched down into
The blackness below.
I realized I had been expending
Every ounce of my energy
To keep myself afloat
While something heavy
On the other end of that chain
Held me
Anchored.


With the song still swimming
Within my mind,
My thoughts sang,
“You are brave.  It is time.  Let it go.”
At once, I saw that the chain
Had no lock!
It was only loosely linked around me.
The weight on the other end of it
Is what had made it feel
So tethering;
So tight.
“Was this all that had been holding me here
All this time?!”
I kicked my leg hard.
I willed myself to be free.
The chain fell.
My muscles began to relax.
By body floated up…
Up… up…
I surfaced.
I gulped in air.
I screamed victoriously.
I laughed.
I cried.
I realized I could have been
Free
Long ago.
The only thing holding my anchor
To myself
Was me.
I had never held my breath,
Nor dove under the waves
Long or deep enough to see
That the weight could have
Been quickly released,
With no key required.
I had never tried
Hard enough.
Why?
Because I did not truly believe
Until this moment
That I could be
So gloriously free.
Maybe I had just never wanted it
More.


After floating on my back for a while,
Relishing relief
And the bliss of that moment,
And thanking God for
Liberty,
Levity,
Life;
I looked ahead,
Once again,
At the wonderful, gentle
Beckoning sunset.
Just beneath it
Where the water touched the sky
Was a lovely, lush, little island.
How had I not noticed it before?
I saw it and I knew at once
It was home.
My self-doubts
My fears
Had sunk along with my anchor.
So I began to swim
Into the sunset…
Ahead.
It felt so good to use my muscles
For more than
Treading water.
It felt wonderful
To finally be moving forward.
I propelled myself
Into the direction of
My own, personal island.
My Serenity.
And I realized before even climbing ashore,
(My mind and my heart agreed):
“It was always, already
Mine.”

~

MG ~ 2/21/14







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