I am feeling a little selfish today. I found out a few days ago that my Grandma is dying. From what I hear, she only has maybe days to live, if that. I am not ready for her to die. I love her so, and haven't gotten to spend enough time with her. She says she feels ready to go be with Jesus, and also to be reunited with her sons and her husbands in Heaven, but I don't want her to go yet. I can't even think about it. I want just a little more time with her. I want to hug her again. To look into the eyes of the woman who gave me my red hair color. To thank her for being such a bold example of what it means to walk with God, causing a ripple effect within her family, reaching generations. I don't want to miss my Grandma.
Grandma Max lives in Minnesota and I have lived on the western side since I was a baby. I've not had the money throughout my life to be able to visit her very often, and have only gotten to see her maybe 6 or 7 times in my life. Even with seeing her that little, I always have felt a special bond with her. She is a sweet, fun, God-fearing woman who has been such a beautiful spiritual leader to our family. She is the glue that holds so many of us together. She means so very much to so many. Losing her from this world is going to hurt. I can only imagine how my dad must be feeling. He is going to be devastated when she passes. We have been praying for her healing, even though she has stated she wants to pass on. How selfish of us. If it is her time, it is her time, and God knows what and when is best. I need to find a way to be at peace with this. I just regret that I didn't get to see her enough. It seems I'll have to wait for Heaven for that now.
In times like this when my heart hurts the most, I wish sometimes that I had a companion/partner/best-friend/husband. Things are easier to bear when you have someone who truly cares, and who will hold you in your pain. If you are reading this and you have a spouse, never ever take them for granted. You are blessed to have someone in the flesh you know you can always turn to when life gets tumultuous.
I know I wasn't designed to be alone, and yet here I am. Alone. I haven't even dated anyone in almost 2 years. I know a lot of my solitude is by choice, because I feel it is better to be single, than to have a bad relationship. And as a mother, I would much rather have my children have no father figure than to have a bad one. But that does not change that feeling of void in my life. Especially in times like this.
I don't know that I believe in soul mates. I used to when I was younger, but as I have gotten older, I've come to decide that relationships are a choice. Who you decide to be with is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Some of my friends and family have told me in the past that the reason I don't believe in soul mates is because I haven't met mine yet. Maybe that's true, but I wouldn't know. Maybe choices in the past have brought me to a place where I am no longer meant for love. But I wouldn't know. I do dream, sometimes, about having a strong, mutual love relationship in my life... one that exists and grows beyond the confines of time and flesh and life as we know it. But I have been accused of dreaming too much. So, I usually shut those dreams down and try to keep my feet on the ground, disallowing myself from longing for that type of love. For all I know, it may not exist.
My Grandma does inspire me, though. I do find a small sense of comfort in the hope that she gives me. She is such a love. She lives to love others. ...After my Grandpa died, she felt so alone. But God gave her someone to love and to love her. She was on a train to come visit us in California a few years after my Grandpa's passing, and she met a really nice man on that train ride who had also lost his spouse to death. She was in her 70's at the time, I believe. She was so happy, and married him soon after. Then, after her second husband died a few years back, God brought another man into her life. He showed up unexpectedly at her door with flowers or candy or something romantic, and told her he had had a crush on her since grade school, had found out she was single, and wanted to court her. She was in her 80's at that point. They were married shortly after. Romance just seeks that woman out! It's a beautiful thing. Now she is 85 and is weak and tired and ready to go home. She has felt much loss and misses her loved ones that have passed. She says she is ready to go, and feels it is her time. I will pray for God's will in this. I will pray that she does not suffer, and that she is filled with a deep peace, knowing where she is going once she leaves us. I'm sure God wants to have her Home even more than I wish to keep her here.
There is a song that I love called "Letters From the Sky" by Civil Twilight. The lyrics just get me every time I listen to it, which is often. In my interpretation of the song, I hear reference to Jesus return to the earth and His coming back for His chosen, reference to other things like fear and death, but also to romantic love... the kind of love I have only dreamed about. As I sit here next to tears thinking about my Grandma's coming passing, I yearn for that companionship. That shoulder. Those arms. That love. I am feeling very selfish today. Tomorrow I will find a way to be content in the moment, but today... my heart hurts.
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Here is the link to the song "Letters From the Sky", in case you want to take a listen...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wa7dFR09vU&feature=share&list=PLQoLRkjLxVJXmtT0Fxuzd6rXDxlo9KVVT
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