"Why" ...a poem about writer's block...

Once, poems tumbled from my lips with passion,

A blessed, endless waterfall of emotion.

I feel so much,

Yet say so little.

Why?

Tears for years were never shed.

I was afraid the well had dried.

I miss the dry spell.

I loathe this deep well.

Why?

I want to sing a melodious song

I feel it on the tips of my heart and tongue

But the words escape me,

And the melody haunts me.

Why?

The answers to life’s blackest enigmas

Were once within my confident touch;

Now I awaken from enigmatic dreams

Wishing to write and yearning to sing,

But all I can do is ask one thing…

Why?

Learning to be loved...

I am reading a book that is changing my life. I am learning, through this book and through some life lessons (which are actually a blessing in disguise) that God truely IS the Lover of my soul! He is not just a cliche religious metaphoric soothing thought or belief... He is showing Himself to me in some real and really needed ways, and teaching me to finally (And this is a first for me) accept the fact that He actually adores ME. Me!!! A super screwed up chic, by my definition, but somehow a beautiful flower in His eyes.

I am afraid for the future, and unsure of where it is going or how I will handle the hardships I am now facing.... BUT.... I have this hope that seems to be oozing from my pores... from my very soul... and it's His love! It's enough to cover a year full of stress and unknowns and hurt and anger.... it's enough to cover AND heal a lifetime of all of that.... SO... I am choosing to surrender to it. In doing so, my deepest hope is that I can love Him back just as hard as I can and bring His beautiful heart joy too... and maybe bless another soul or two along the way.

~~~~~~~~

"You Love Me"

~

You are my rock and my fortress

My stronghold

You are my strength when

My strength does fold

I’m in the valley, feeling weak

You’re holding me and whispering

You love me

~

It’s hard to feel that I deserve

A million chances Lord

But I am not rejecting this

I’ll take You at Your word….

You love me.

You love me.

~

Trials and arrows and that come

Don’t last

How many times have You defeated

My past

This is just one of those tests

Will I

Surrender to defeat or

Finally Try

To let you love me.

~

You rescue in me many ways

It’s hard to accept a love like this

Learning to lean is humbling, God,

But freedom to be loved is bliss.

You love me.

You love me.

Jesus, Help Me

Jesus help me to get over

All the happy memories

God help me not to remember

Please just help me get some sleep

All I want is to forget it

So that I can just move on

Jesus wipe away the past

Wipe these tears and make me strong

Jesus help me to erase it

All the love I’ve stored inside

Jesus help me just to face it

I may be alone for a while

Won’t you take away this longing

I’ve learned white knights don’t exist

Someday one may change my mind,

But for now, all I want is…

To forget…..

To forgive….

To let go…..

To live.

Alive in the Moment

I know I’m alive

I’ve seen the other side

I’ve walked down both roads

I know which way to go

Change happens before I can say stop

But hope always rises to the top

Of me

I have felt deeply

I have felt nothing

I know what I like best

Laying it all to rest

I’ve never met a soul who would

Change yesterday knowing that it could

Change me.

Purpose feels just like a dream

Please send some to me

I’ve made up my mind.

I’ll look not ahead nor behind.

Love always. Never lose your heart.

Love laid claim from the very start

Of me.

"Changes"

Funny how nothing really changes.

Chance is a precarious risk

Time does not wait for slow heart beats.

Warm lips can’t wait for a kiss.

Night is a cooling reminder

Of sunrise’s fade long ago.

To me it comes as a surprise,

But he knew it seasons ago.

I wish I like he had the gift of

Knowing ahead when to give,

But I can thank him for the learning,

And in this care-free life I’ll live.

Sometimes, yes, I miss the feeling

Of feeling that way so deeply.

Funny how everything changes.

Sunset has wrought change in me.

"Treasure Hunts"

Searching bled me, false hopes led me

On treasure hunts that proved futile

I looked inside, I looked outside

Searching for my long lost smile

Drowning sorrows in a bottle

Shopping til I could not walk

Desperately searching for love to ease the pain

Covering the loss with empty talk

White Knights, streetlights, laughing with friends

Ways to stuff the ache down deep

Late nights, bedsides, seeking, aimless

Breaking vows I swore to keep

Drowning sorrows with a lover

Wondering why life cycles so

Nothing empty ever filled me up

All these nothings have left me low.

Tonight pride died I just realized

What I want is much, much more

I am bended, bowed and broken

Ready to accept what is in store

Drops of anything but Your love

Cannot numb a hollow heart

And I will not close my eyes, Lord,

I’m afraid to miss the start

…of sunrise

Faded Reveries

I cannot keep it together

I cannot keep the blues away

All of my life is in pieces

I loathe the mess that I have made

Spingtime used to be so happy

Sunshine used to make me sing

Looking through windows broken

Reminds of me of how I break everything.

I cannot blame a soul, me only

Has caused the chaos in my world

Nothing ever does complete me

God, how I miss my boy and girl.

Knights on white horses are distant

Fairytales of childlike fantasies

All I have left here are fragments

Pieces of faded reveries.

Come now, I’m begging you to take it

Every last shard, I lay it down

And all my pride I’ll toss away now

I know You can turn this around

Doubt always creeps in like rain storm

I never notice I’m cold til too late

I cannot fix it on my own, Lord,

Please won’t you take this storm away

Bring to me sunny, happy days, God

All that I have left is this prayer

I am so uncertain of tomorrow

Faith whispers, “You will be together there.”