Unready

Gosh, it feels so good to finally get it! I wonder why I am so thick sometimes. God answers prayers in ways we often do not expect. But the good thing is, I am open to those answers... and to His will.... whatever it may be! My quest for love has ended.

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"Unready"

I prayed for you

All those years,

And you never came.

I yearned for you;

Begged for you;

Even tried to create you

Out of another,

But love fades.

I always wondered…

Why?

And I questioned God

And His timing.

I always knew I was

Born to love you.

So why didn’t you come?
Sometimes it takes

A slap in the face,

Or someone else’s mistake

To make one see the light.

And now that my eyes are open,

I see.

God didn’t ignore me.

You didn’t let me down.

Sometimes what we want

Isn’t what we need.

Sometimes happy endings

Are not meant to be.

I feel a peace dawning.

I feel contentment

Descending over me.

And I think I can finally

Rest.

I am enlightened

And suddenly aware.

I am unready

For love.

One Last Kiss

The song is just the same;
A melancholy tune.
The tempo does not change;
A reverie of you.
I remember moments,
Though they are far and few
You almost dropped the walls
And let your heart fall through.
But all I saw were glimpses,
And then you'd slam the door.
You've nearly convinced me
To fight for us no more.
You never run to me.
You don't have faith in love,
Or maybe it's just that
I am just not enough.
At least I now can say
I gave it all I had.
I did not run away.
Rejection hurts so bad.
I stayed to sing this song.
I stayed just long enough
To leave my heart exposed;
To let you feel my love.
But now the time has come,
And we will remain friends,
For I have lost the will.
This masochism ends.
And maybe from now on
The songs that I will write
Won't be of broken hearts
Or numb and lonely nights.
I'm going to move on;
To turn and walk from this.
But please, before I go...
Just give me one last kiss.

Love Fades

You asked me to let go.

You told me not to wait.

You said you’d leave a hole,

And cause my light to fade.

You make the choice for me,

As if I am not smart

Enough to see your scars;

Enough to know your heart.

I know the rocky road

And all of the pitfalls

Our hearts would have to trod

If you’d remove those walls.

But I cannot convince,

Nor should I even try.

Each time I see the gleam,

You tightly close your eyes,

And tell me I am not

Enough to make you burn.

And so I’ve chalked you up

To another lesson learned.

I want not to give up

And wait til’ you decide

That we could be complete,

But I have too much pride.

With every day that fades,

I’m learning not to dream.

With every word you say,

I hear you don’t love me.

But somehow deep inside,

A deeper loss is mourned.

I don’t know why, nor how,

But I feel destiny’s torn.

We’ve ripped two hearts in half

That could have been a whole,

We probably should have been.

We’re too far gone to know.

We can’t know what’s ahead,

But life is ours to mold.

We should build a future,

But the past is what we hold.

We cling to all the hurts

And fears that make us run.

We’re letting night fall over us,

And love fades with the sun.

Sabbotages Us

You lied to me
When you said to me,
"I don't love you".
You say, "Someday..."
You leave with, "Maybe..."
And yet you embrace me now.
Be honest with your heart.
The lies are ripping me apart.
Look into my adoring eyes,
And say you don't.
Say you won't.
You can't.
I'll say it, then,
Just like I do...
I do love you.
Maybe I can
Love just enough
For us both... maybe.
I do deserve much more.
I wait outside a door
That you may never open.
And if you finally do,
Will I be spent and through,
And ruined for love?
I try to run from this,
And all I do is
Dream of you.
I can't escape.
This love you hate so much,
This body that you touch,
It's mine.
Don't let this die.
Okay, I'll let you run.
You're right. The fight is done.
But when you awake alone,
No matter who is beside you,
Remember this:
The walls you build
To defend your soul
Blockade the love
You're aching for.
Your need for control
Sabbotages us.

Disarm Me

I am back to the old me... can't seem to stop writing and singing and playing lately. There is so much pent up passion in me, and I have no idea where it is coming from, nor why. So much emotion lately. So here's one of my latest... just thought I would share it.

"Disarm Me"

You charm Me
Intentionally;
Disarm me
Perpetually.
You awake in me
Desires to be free.
You take me
Into ecstacy.
I see you
At night as I sleep.
I call to you
In a vivid dream,
But in awake hours
Silence does steal
My resolve to
Let go and feel.
Sometimes I
Imagine us there.
Those times I
Pretend that you care
Enough to
Break down these walls
And teach me
To consciously fall.

Yes, it's a new post! No, I am not dead!

Hey, everyone! I moved the beginning of July to a new city - new job - new life altogether. Things have been awfully busy, so I haven't had the time, nor the $$ to get my computer hooked up yet. I probably won't for a while, mainly because RL is time consuming enough in itself right now. Anyhow, I miss all of you (all my online friends, and people who like to stay in touch mainly by computer). If you want to reach me, here's a thought... pick up the phone!!!! My cell number is still the same. And I would love to hear from you.

I am not involved in a band yet, a worship team, or anything musical in my new home. It sucks. I have no outlet. I haven't even been writing, and it is taking it's toll on me. I feel like I am going to explode inside. I think I may soon resort to doing the unthinkable... picking up an actual utensil for writing, and a piece of paper, and working things out the hard way. It will be painful, but a needed release, I think. It's funny how much you take something for granted until it is no longer a part of your every day reality. It is then that you realize what once was banal, time reveals to be cherished.

Talk to you soon! God bless.

"I Will Not Let You Down"

When you feel afraid,
When your dreams start to fade,
When your worries are on a roll.
When you feel alone,
When you can’t find your way home,
Just remember, I’m in control.

I will not let you down.
I will not let you down .
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

When times are a bit tough,
When your road is way too rough,
When heartache’s all you can feel;
Those are the times I’m there.
Those are the times I care the most.
I’ll protect you; I’ll be your shield!

I will not let you down.
I will not let you down.
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.

People will say
You can make it on your own,
But you know I’m the Way,
And my arms will carry you home!

I will not let you down.
I will not let you down .
Nothing can take away My love.
I’m watching you from above.
I’ll carry you,
And not let you down.