Can't Sleep......

I can't sleep....
I am tired of bad dreams.
I am tired of bad days.
Tired of silent screams.
I am ready for peace
And a life full of love;
A heart full of joy
Is all I dream of.
Just what is happening
And where did it go;
The sense of contentment
That I used to know?
I must have done something
To send it away,
And send myself back to
A life that I hate.
Well I am determined
To not lose myself
To all of this darkness;
My own private hell.
The only one who can
Bring me back is You.
I pray you'll bring joy back;
Grant me gratitude.
Please, remove the fear
That stunts my heart's growth.
Please, pull me so near
And cause me to know
That all of my questions,
All my needs and dreams
Are already answered
Because You love me.
I'm sorry that I've strayed
And let go of You....
I know now that's why I
Have slipped away too.

But I am back.... please forgive me. I love you, Jesus.

"Hideaway"

The world is closing in on me.

I need to get away.

I need to find a place to rest,

A place where I can lay

Every worry and fear down;

Where solace, like the sun

Warms my cool and calloused heart,

And Peace heals tired bones.

I need to find a place to lay

All day beneath clear skies

With not a care to think about,

And no tears in my eyes.

I wish I had someone to be

There with me, who would go

And rest with me in my reprieve,

And hold me very close.

I want to be deeply in love,

And hideaway with him.

I want to be away from life

And start over again.

I want to find a tropical

Island somewhere untouched,

And take my lover there with me

To bask in love and sun.

I think if only dreams came true,

Life wouldn’t feel so tough,

And I could maybe come back to

This place I hate so much;

Because I’d know I’m not alone,

And I would feel refreshed.

But right now, I don’t feel these things.

I feel nothing but stress.

Yes, I know that these are dreams.

I know that I’m alone.

And I know I shouldn’t fear

The future; the unknown.

And Lord, I know I should be grateful

For this life I have

I truly am, but at this moment

I am feeling sad

For all the things that I’ve messed up

And all the things I can’t

Fix and make hurts go away.

I feel so bad for that.

I guess that I’m not strong enough

To make the broken new.

I guess that I’m not tough enough

To savor solitude.

And so I want to run away,

If only for a day

And be alive and be in love

In my dream hideaway.

"Enemy Mine"

Enemy mine,

You drive me crazy.

You cause me such deep agony.

Enemy mine,

You fuck it all up,

And make my heart’s dreams history.

You are my foe.

It’s you I loathe.

Much more than these words could express.

I wish you would leave

Me left here to bleed,

But you won’t stop until my death.

I want to run,

But you follow me.

These pictures and memories ache.

Leave me alone

In my agony.

Why is your goal my heart to break?

I’m good at fighting,

A master of walls,

And you can’t outsmart me this time.

I see past your lies.

I see in your eyes

That all of your fears do match mine.

You are going down.

I will take control,

And someday I will soon be free.

Enemy mine,

Your time now has come,

For I’ve seen your face... You are ME.

"Rejection"

I’ve fought so hard for love.

I’ve held on much too long.

I’ve sacrificed my pride,

Just to prove you wrong.

You said that you don’t feel it,

That I was seeing things;

Phantom fantasies of

Love only in my dreams.

My heart aches from rejection,

And after all this time

I look back on the reasons

I longed to make you mine.

I see that they were based on

A one-sided romance.

And now I am so weary,

And much to tired to dance.

I think that I will bow out.

Is it too late for grace?

Pride is not an option.

There’s no way to save face.

I cannot change the past now,

Nor all the ways I’ve failed.

All that I can do here

Is anchor-up and sail.

Away into the unknown

Where love does not exist,

For love has always failed me,

And apathy is bliss.

"Wings"

I’m standing on the edge of it;

This shaky precipice of change.

And if I get to close to it,

This wind just might carry me away.

But I have wings,

And the unknown

Is nowhere new to me.

Should I let go?

…Or will I fall?

I like the thought of soaring off

Into the realm of the unknown.

I like the thought of taking flight;

Seeking out a place to call home.

But I have chains.

They seem so strong,

But risking loss somehow

Does not feel wrong.

… I want to fly.

I’m scared to utter words like this,

But deep inside, I feel that peace

Welling up and filling me.

Falling will be such release.

Control is not

All that I thought,

And I am ready now

To finally fall.

… For I have wings.

I can’t predict the outcome of

The risk I think I want to take.

Letting go brings such relief.

Letting go brings such heartache.

But if I don’t,

I’ll stand here, chained

To all the love

I’ve felt in vain.

And so I’ll jump,

And trust these wings will carry me

… Beyond.

"Silence"

The quiet I yearned for

Has become

Deafening.

I don’t want to hear

What you have to say.

I don’t want to hear

My heartbeat.

I plug my ears

And close my eyes;

But the voices,

The images,

The memories,

Do not fade.

I don’t want to feel,

But I wish I were not

So numb.

I want care

Without hurting,

But my heart only knows

All or nothing.

And I cannot wonder

Anymore.

So it’s off.

Passion dissipates

And fades to gray.

I wish I could dream

In color, again.

I wish I could scream

Or cry

Or smile,

But this night’s silence

Speaks.