"Letting Go"

I will let go of it all;
Familiar needs that make me fall,
Broken dreams that make me hide,
Fear that makes me draw inside.
I will release all my will,
And let Your Spirit truly fill
Every dark part I have veiled.
You’re the One who has not failed
To be there all along the way;
To show me that You never change;
To teach me Love unconditional;
To grow my faith and show me hope.
I feel You with me, guiding me
Into unknown territory.
I’ve held on to things that can’t
Give the peace I know I want,
Things like love and loss and dreams.
I see I’m too wrapped up in me.
I will let go of this pride.
I refuse to run and hide.
The past is past. Let newness fall.
Today I’ll let go of it all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will be moving in 2 weeks to another place... new job, new home, no comfort of familiarity - just a fresh start and a new perspective. In letting go of my home and current workplace, I have come to some deeper conclusions. Location is not the only thing I need to let go of. And so I am releasing the things I stubbornly held onto in yearning for stability, and embracing the unknown. I feel afraid, unstable and insecure; but I know that God has led me here. He has made it clear, over the past few months, that this is the direction He wants me to take. So I will go, with nothing but my faith.

I will probably be offline for a long while, as of 2 weeks from today (or maybe a little sooner). So please do not think I have vanished when you see that I have not been online for a while. I am still here - just growing and learning as much as possible, offline.

I love you. God loves you. You have a purpose. Let go, and grow.

All That Means Anything

This evening, I was outside looking at the beautiful dusk sky. I felt the light, summer breeze touch my hair, and listened to it rustling the tall trees that kiss the sky. I noticed a few stars, and a crescent moon that were just beginning to decorate the early night. I inhaled deeply, and suddenly a feeling of peace washed over me. All of a sudden, I realized my brow had been creased, and my shoulders had been so tense before that moment. I realized I had been allowing myself to stress about things that were beyond my control. Little things, that don't REALLY matter. So I let them slip from my mind. And then a song I wrote a while back came into my mind, and I begin to sing it's words over and over (not out loud, or the neighbors would have thought I was nutso). It is my new mantra, as I embark on this new journey. I admit that I am scared about the future. But God is in control, because I let Him be. Besides, it's really not about me, anyway. It's all about Him. I am going to consciously choose to let go of everything else, and focus on all that means anything.
~~~~~~

"All That Means Anything"

When I stop to think about what really matters
I realize it’s all about You.
There are so many earthly things You’ve granted
But all that means anything is You.
I spend so much of my time wasted
On the things that mean nothing at all.
So I look to You right now for some Truth,
‘Cause all that means anything is You.

"Fork in the Road"

I have been on this dark path for a while now...
What a strengthening, insightful,
Agonizing journey it has been!
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But as I peer ahead through this dusk,
I see a fork in the road.
There are now two choices ahead of me.
One path continues on through heavy shadows.
And like the path I have known for sometime now,
There are walls crowding in on each side;
Looming, suffocating, and unfriendly.
But the new path has no walls...
No steady stillness of solitude,
No relentless chill of shame,
No nagging whisper of regret
No ominous feeling of entrapment;
Only fresh air, sunshine, newness
And an air of possibility.
This journey has taught me a lot.
The dark path has taken me
Places I needed to go, to grow.
But I think, as I look ahead at my options,
That it is time to change course.
I think I am going to go
In a different direction for a while.
I will step out in faith and boldness,
To explore unknown places and new possibilities.
I want to discover life in a new light,
Which until now, I have been unable to see
In my darkness.
I approach this fork in the road with intrepidation,
But I know what I must do.
I may be making the wrong choice,
But if I don't step forth and take this risk,
I will always wonder.
Here I go...

"Untrue"

I want that which I cannot have.
I crave that which I cannot touch.
I need that which I hate to feel.
I cannot feel, nor love this much,
And not be swimming in my guilt.
And not be drowning in my loss.
And not be aching from this flaw.
I cannot help but count the cost.
If I chose you I will fall.
If I chose you I will break.
If I chose you I will lose.
I cannot love you and not ache.
You only see from your small view.
You only love me in your way.
You only give if you see fit.
You cannot give, but you can take.
You do not mean to hurt me so.
You do not mean to break my heart.
You do not mean to take this soul.
And rip my resolve all apart.
You say someday we may be one.
You say for now it is just you.
You say I matter, but alas,
My dream is already untrue.

~~~~~
I may know the road I am on leads to righteousness and an eternal resting place in Love... but here on earth, I ache sometimes. Eventually, the ache will fade... I just need to get strong again and look up.

"Love"

I can’t get it out of my head;
This want and aching need.
I know you are all that will fill.
I know You are all that is real.
You are true. You are forever.
Love is You.
But I can’t get this out of my
Stubborn mind.
I can’t stop wondering,
Wishing,
Dreaming,
And asking, “Why?”.
Take the doubt,
And replace the gaping hole
With contentment.
Take the shame,
And replace the void that is
My whole life large
With Humility.
Remind my spirit in the
Gentle way You do,
That Love is all I need.
And I already have it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Behold the things I have for you", saith the Lord. "Plans to prosper you. Plans for hope and a future."

What a wonderful promise from my Heavenly Father. I think I will hold onto that one. Now THAT is love! The way He loves me so unconditionally... so always... so deeply - I feel it in the depths of my being, and I am filled with such peace. I loathe myself for ever wishing for anything more or different than this! He is so faithful to me! I will be faithful to Him, with everything in me. It is my passion to be perpertually falling in love with Jesus.

"Silent & Still"

I haven’t heard from You in a while.
I just realized why.
I haven’t stopped and listened, and really tried to hear.
I haven’t really been silent and still.

I can’t count the times I’ve felt sorry for myself
For the answers I didn’t hear.
I pray for solutions, I pray for Your will,
But I haven’t really listened,
I haven’t really been silent and still.

I will not hear Your sweet voice if I’m doing all the talking.
I will not see Your will unless I close my eyes to mine.
I will not know the peace that comes from the power one can feel,
Unless I close my eyes, open my heart and be…
Silent and still.

Reflections on Marriage

"Resigned"

I resign myself to it.
I design a new way to feel.
I resolve to never let this go.
I dissolve my fears with force.
Holy Matrimony;
Sanctimonious Vow.
Love is unconditional;
I'm resigned to learn how.
I cannot shed a tear these days.
I cannot gaze at you and shine.
Oh, for deep and genuine bliss.
Curse the eye that sees beneath.
You don't understand me.
You confound me so.
But love is unconditional,
And so I won't let go.
With resolve,
I'm resigned.

I get asked a lot, "Why are you single??" As if it is this really terrible condition, like leprosy. Some assume it is because I have children, and men don't like that. Some assume there must be something very wrong with me, and I can't keep a relationship. But the simple fact is, I am single because I choose to be. It is not easy, nor is it fun. But it is where I need to be right now. I wrote the song I posted above years back, during a time in which every day was heartache and tears. I can remember vividly how it hurt going to bed alone night after night, and yet waking up day after day under that black cloud, married to the enemy. I tried so hard and chose and pushed for us, and did all the things a person does to "make" things work (like giving, humility, sacrifice, counseling with various preachers and therapists, and many other things), but ultimately, without two people choosing to love (even when feelings don't follow) and without two people choosing commitment and showing true commitment through action, there is no glue. And without God as the foundation of it all, the house will surely crumble. And mine did. I look back on it and wish I could have somehow held it all together and lived that fairy tale life, where everyone was happy and mommy and daddy were both home and in love (as if that exists). But I don't have that power! And the humbling reality is, sometimes when we make choices outside of God's will to start off with, so many people wind up suffering for them later on. I don't want to make any more choices that He doesn't want me to make. I have been accused of being overly cautious, but I am praying for God's will and will settle for nothing less. I am praying He opens my eyes to knowing when the timing is right for love. Until then, I am content to be alone, growing in the Lord (I am so thankful for this time of pruning!), and learning from the past. Learning the things I need to learn in order to be the best wife I can be... forever... someday.